Neurodiverse DS (15) told me he is trans (via text)!

[Ddays]

My neurodiverse DS (15) text me tonight to tell me he believes he is trans. It has come as a huge shock and I need advice...

My DS has ADHD/ASD (unmedicated) and sever anxiety (medicated). He has no friends and doesn't leave the house other than for school. His mental health was a great concern for 2 years post covid as he wouldn't leave his bedroom other than to go to school or visit with grandparents. However after starting sertaline 4 months ago we have had some improvements. He will now hang out in the living room with ua again, can manage to come to the supermarkets some times and will talk with other people such as extended family when they visit.

He has never shown indication to girly things or any feminine traits however I wouldn't class him as a typical boy either, as he has no interest in sport and no friend groups. He is very academic and a complete computer wizz.

He text me tonight telling me about this and told me not to reply and he would speak to me when he got home after the weekend.

I will support him in what ever he decides. But..i am worried for him! Because of his social and emotional difficulties life in general is hard and we have spoke about assisted living or support for when he is older because he can't leave the house due to anxiety. I'm worried this is have a greater impact and make his life harder than it would already have been.

My nephew come out as transgender recently and there has been a lot of talk about that within the family recently which he has been involved in.

I don't know what I need from this post but I guess I need to hear from some one going through the same.

What should I speak to him about? He has no experience of life out of our home and school. I feel like he hasn't even began to live any life yet without it being made harder by this. Am I over reacting?

I want to ask him is he understands all the sexualities out there and if he thinks he might be gay rather than TG. Is that OK to ask?

Anyway. Hoping some one can relate and support me.

Does he spend a lot of time online? Forums / video games?

Bumping for you.

The only thing I would say is that at least he is describing something that he thinks is positive and a way of living a life that works better for him.

My reaction personally and politically is one thing. And I would agree with you that your nephew'sannouncementis a big part of this. But tbh I would just listen to what he thinks it means for him. If he finds a way to manage his anxiety and 'being trans' is part of that, well, good.

Well, if you can’t ask it, then no-one can! If he speaks to the school, they might start supporting it very quickly and that would really get the juggernaut going.

My personal advice would be to find a therapist quickly who might be able to help him understand what is underlying the idea that he might be trans. It is not - I repeat not - an easy road to go down. The numbers of potential partners is very small. Personally I’d be working to see if there are other routes forward. As PPs mention - is he gay?

Also, how well does he understand that his ASD will cause him to feel different? And can you explore the different ways of feeling different that aren’t limited to being trans? Can you discuss role models? I ask because my asd kids find NT youth subcultures intimidating as they can’t read the cues and feel different to the kids populating those subcultures/ identities. The trans one is very straightforward in terms of cues and the look, and can therefore feel quite appealing. Also make sure you’re not homophobic in any way as feeling trans can be a way to avoid feeling gay.

I would have an honest, supportive chat with him about it all. Totally non-judgemental. Above all, remember that adolescence is when identities are formed but they’re not formed until they reach adulthood so I explain to mine that anything they do is just part of their journey, this is to give them a route back.

it is tricky though - I’d recommend finding a therapist and speaking with them first about how they view kids with gender dysphoria. We found one who was pretty clear that most of the kids she saw presenting with trans identity issues had other underlying issues which she sought to address.

And in the end - if he thinks it all through, and is happy with it, then I’d say you just need to be happy that he’s found a version of himself that helps him be happy.

They are your child and loved. Make sure that they are supported to explore any thoughts and feelings. Preferably with someone with no agenda. Love them whatever the outcome is.

Yes, @Mamoun all of his time. He really doesn't do much else. He watches YouTube and is on reddit and other things.

@Legolegends thank you, you have gave some excellent points here. We have suspected he might have been gay or Asexual for a short time and it's something I want to explore with him. Your point about ASD making him feel different is extremely important I think. I have tried for years to get him into support groups/youth groups with others, such as ADHD youth groups and ASD groups to meet and socialise with others who he might be able to relate to better than NT peers.

It defeninitly doesn't help that he has no one his own age to talk about these things with or see how others experience life. It's somwthing that has worried me for years.

Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts.

I've been in your situation op. My dd is ND. She's suffered with her mental health and really struggled to get out. She relied heavily on the internet for interaction etc. she told me she was trans and I won't lie I was very worried. But I supported her by listening and I allowed her to dress how she liked, cut her hair and she used the male version of her name. As a family we didn't make a big deal of it. Just accepted her.

She had some therapy for her anxiety and slowly started to get braver. Firstly coming downstairs to interact more with us, then short shopping trips, visits to family then as her confidence grew she joined the gym and went at quiet times. She made a friend at the gym, this spurned her on to join a hobby they had in common.
She started to feel more comfortable in herself and dropped the men's clothes and went back to her original name.

She's quite open that she was confused and just didn't feel comfortable in her own skin, was looking for her identity and the internet wasn't the best place to find that. And that our acceptance of her in whatever way she wanted to be really helped her to have the time and space to figure it all out.

Therapy helped immensely too and steering her away from internet as much as possible (hard these days I know).

Best of luck x

Was there lots sympathy for your nephew coming out as trans? seems like it could have been a bit of a case of social contagion plus serious research is showing a clear link between ND and gender ID issues so his conditions mean a possible leaning.

Reddit is an absolute cess pool as well as being useful, I have been on it for years.

Do you think he’d accept you treating it as trying out an identity but insisting he has the space to retreat if he changes his mind?
I mean you could tell him explicitly that teenager years are a time for trying out different versions of yourself and seeing if they fit, and could he explain a bit what he´s thinking he’d like to try out with being trans? Clothes? Make-up? Name? All ok. But no medical route (yes to counseling through something sensible). Same way if he goth you might be ok with a nose ring but you’d say no to a chest tattoo.

Please keep close tabs on your son's internet activity.
It is very likely he is being groomed