Anyone with a young adult (19) who says they are trans?

[RIPDotCotton]

I’ve posted on here a few times (you can always search my previous posts) but I’m look for specific advice/support from parents of young adults (over 18) who are saying they are trans and wanting medicalization - particular surgery.
DD has been presenting as male for 2 years, says she has felt this way for way longer and is now living away at college. A couple of months ago she told me that she was questioning her gender and felt male and wanted to take the next steps. At the time she wanted me to tell her Dad (she was too nervous as she doesn’t know at all how he’ll respond) but for many reasons I couldn’t. Then she decided she wanted to leave for college without a huge blow up so off she went. I had asked her to at least start therapy to start delving into these issues- of course she’s gone ahead and found a transgender supporting therapist who, it seems from snippets she has told me, is just affirming all her feelings and pushing for moving forward:(
Because she’s an adult now legally I can’t have any involvement in medical stuff.
However, for her to move forward, she would need our support financially at least because we now live in the US and even with insurance there would be a big co-pay.
How do parents of young adults navigate this? So many posts about under 18s say make them wait until they are 18 but a magic wand doesn’t just get waved and turn them into fully functioning adults when they have their 18th birthday!!
I adore my child- I don’t care if she presents as male but I don’t want her having top surgery (a double mastectomy- let’s not make it seem anything less than it is) and taking testosterone (which could ruin her chance to have a child if she later decides that’s something she wants)
I’m trying to say these things to her (dealing with it on my own until I have that conversation with my husband) but she’s seeing it as me stonewalling her and she feels she banging her head on a brick wall trying to get me to understand!
I want to say that I want her to have therapy for at least a year. Then we can review.
The last two years have been supporting her presentation and ‘watchful waiting’.
Now she’s coming at me and I don’t want to lose her or push her away even more (and into the arms of the supportive community who are validating her on the internet or the therapist!)
How do parents of young adults navigate this?

That is absolutely false. There are plenty of peer reviewed studies into the effects of hormones as a supplement or replacement. Wherever you got that information from is either misinformed you or is just incorrect. You can find these studies published on the NIH. I have published some myself. Don't spread lies just because the truth doesn't align with your beliefs. That's not OK.

My cousin had a mastectomy last year. I think they just put it on a credit card as their parents weren't prepared to pay for it. I still feel angry with surgeons who are happy to do this kind of cosmetic surgery on such young people (and yes, I have had the same conversation with a woman the same age who wanted a breast enlargement.) What I would say is that although their health is not great, they have kept a good, close relationship with their parents and they are working. Essentially that life goes on post mastectomy.

In the end, I think you must leave medical transition to them. It is true that mastectomy as part of transition has very low regret rates, which indicates the kinds of pressures that young women are under. Tbh I would be inclined to do exactly what you are doing - the slower the path to mastectomy, the further off she is from genital surgery. I hope genital surgery on women is going to get less common as the complication rate is so high. Maybe she will be happy with breast removal.

There are no peer reviewed studies on the life outcomes and quality of life and psychological effects of drug, hormone, or surgical treatments to people who believe they are transgender and have taken those options. Either short, medium, or long term. If you believe there are, then please link. There are zero formal studies on what becomes of people when they have chosen to mutilate themselves and how they feel about that in x, y, or z years.

I am sure there are plenty of big pharma funded studies on what hormones or blockers do to a person in terms of their biological effect. We know what they do anyhow. They make young women spotty, fat and bald.

You have deliberately misunderstood my point and you are in fact lying.

I believe there are many cases of studies and research being shut down for being transphobic (looking into detransitioning, suicide spike post GRS, looking into ROGD etc) so in terms of “science” there’s a real bias, and a huge financial benefit to affirming therapists, drs, and surgeons, who can back each other up in peer reviews. It’s certainly not as simple as there being honest straight up facts going on.

There’s also a massive amount of ignoring the high numbers of transitioning girls with a background of autism, abuse, neglect (I believe this was highlighted in the Cass review, and another study in the Netherlands?) and the large number who end up being gender non conforming lesbians. All of this should point towards transitioning being a symptom of an unhappy child with stuff to work through, not a signal to push a child through irreversible treatment that’s likely to leave them sterilised and with a shortened life span (Scott Newgent talks well on this subject).

OP you have my sympathies, it’s a very tricky time. Your dd is an adult, but as we know brains aren’t fully developed until mid twenties, so an irreversible decision now could not be what is best for her in the long run.
I would be as supportive as you can be, but would draw the line at funding any affirmative care, as I believe there would be a huge risk of her believing you to be complicit in this poor decision one day.

I know so many women like me - autistic, now middle aged - who were confused teenagers, didn’t fit in, didn’t know why, who would have been the exact same demographic as the young women now transitioning.
I had what would probably now be diagnosed as gender dysphoria from age 6 up until early/mid twenties. I was allowed to have short hair and wear clothes of my choice without having to adhere to the the strict stereotypes that we now have. In the 80s we had the freedom to go through this period of time without being encouraged to damage our bodies and health, and every single woman I know who also went through this is hugely grateful for that. We look in horror at what’s happening now, and how greedy drs are raking in money for something so obviously a normal, if difficult, phase of so many young people’s lives.

Hi, where are you getting your information that that breast mutilation surgery has 'very low regret rates' as there are currently no approved studies on this subject and if you're referring to something published, please could you link it so that I can update my own personal information. Thank you

Slightly separate topic but in the old days (of my youth in the 80s / 90s) the biggest reason for a small bank loan by any young woman was in order to buy a car. That was quickly superseded by the reason to have breast enlargement surgery and other cosmetic surgeries. There was a study many years ago that showed any woman who had any form of 'plastic surgery' as it used to be called was three times more likely to take her own life than average.

That was before all the trans stuff and relates to the psychological phenomena that people who are unhappy with a physical attribute of their body and believe changing it will bring happiness are more likely to feel even worse later. As well as the fact that surgery often goes wrong or has complications. It is a tragedy that women are dying because they want to be different than they really are.

I think I would just tell her you are happy to support her but that does not mean that you are willing to pay for surgery. Decide on a line and stick to it. Tell her you think it is too permanent when she is so young. Tell her she can save up for it as an adult when she has her own job and her own insurance.

Eldest is m2f apparently and it's hard to navigate. They are 19 and I feel like any questions get met with me not being supportive :/

Hi, I'm having some similar issues with my 18 year old student daughter. See my post!

How are things going with your daughter a few months on? :-)

Sad to hear you’re in the same situation.
Still the same here- basically we’ve got to the point where she’s presenting as a male but hasn’t talked to her Dad about it at all and hasn’t to me for a while. I’m insisting she speaks to him herself (as an adult) but she won’t. As far as I know she’s using a male name (and I’m assuming pronouns) at college but hasn’t asked us to at all. We try and be neutral and not use any name or pronouns if we can avoid it. I’m dreading the next ‘bombshell’ being an official name change or even worse, hormones.
She is a flight away so we won’t see her for a few months unless we fly for a quick visit. She is keeping in touch and being friendly to us (albeit from a distance) so for now I’ll just take that and pray we can avoid anything permanent for as long as possible.

Thank you for your message. It is such a relief to find someone who relates to my situation. I nearly didn't post on Mumsnet because I thought I'd get hatred from trans activists. I am not anti trans...I work in a school and know several young trans people. I know my own daughter though and she hasn't been mentally well for a while but very resistant to support from anyone. This is the latest expression of it, in my opinion

You are very much not the only one in the situation. I think there are more and more parents trying to negotiate the same, extremely tricky situation.
If it helps, we are one of them. Hugs 💐

Having a tough time right now and rereading my original post and this article you shared. It just hits on every point.
I didn’t expect my parenting journey to take this path. 6 months on and it’s a cycle of pretending it isn’t all happening when she’s away at college to pushback from her (generally after she’s had a therapy appointment with her trans affirming counselor) via text. She still hasn’t told her Dad (although he knows she’s seeing a counselor for ‘gender issues’) and I’m wrong for ‘not trusting her that she knows she’s trans…’
Just sad there are so many of us in this situation:(

Hi op

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. My honest take would be that if she wants to ‘transition’ and is apparently an adult that can make that decision, then she needs to pay for it herself.

You don’t have to spend your money on anything you don’t want to, and should certainly not because it may result in emotional blackmail.

If i had some spare money, it would not go towards my kids’ desire to change their body in this way or similar. It would be saved for housing, education or for actual medical emergencies. I would quite simply, put it like that when the time comes for the conversation.

I’m really sorry to hear things are still tough. Anecdotally the number of parents facing this doesn’t seem to be decreasing. So your last sentence resonated.

I’m convinced it’s part of the bigger picture of poor mental health, unhealthy online habits and porn culture.

So very very hard when it’s adult children.

Have you been able to link up with any other parents in a similar situation OP either IRL or online?

Thank you. I’ve made a good friend from here on Mumsnet who has been a great support for me offline (I’m in the US)
It’s been harder to find more local support just because the US is so big and even something in the state I live in could be hundreds of miles from me.
I read a lot and it seems there is more momentum from parents/doctors in the UK right now which I am following closely.
The saddest part is that while she is away at college (900 miles and a flight away) I don’t have it in my face 24/7 and I’m so sad that I feel a small sense of relief about that, when all my friends are living for their kids to come home from college:(
All the pushback I get is via text, especially after she’s had a therapy session, because she’s chosen the most trans affirming therapist she could in the college city she lives in😔

I wouldn’t be hard on yourself about feeling relieved to have some distance from things. That sounds a very reasonable way to feel.

I’m glad you’ve got someone for support.

The situation you find yourself reminds me of other scenarios where parents feel powerless to help their young adult children - drug or alcohol abuse or unhealthy relationships etc. I don’t have personal experience but it seems the emotions involved may be similar. My heart goes out to you.