Anyone with a young adult (19) who says they are trans?

[RIPDotCotton]

I’ve posted on here a few times (you can always search my previous posts) but I’m look for specific advice/support from parents of young adults (over 18) who are saying they are trans and wanting medicalization - particular surgery.
DD has been presenting as male for 2 years, says she has felt this way for way longer and is now living away at college. A couple of months ago she told me that she was questioning her gender and felt male and wanted to take the next steps. At the time she wanted me to tell her Dad (she was too nervous as she doesn’t know at all how he’ll respond) but for many reasons I couldn’t. Then she decided she wanted to leave for college without a huge blow up so off she went. I had asked her to at least start therapy to start delving into these issues- of course she’s gone ahead and found a transgender supporting therapist who, it seems from snippets she has told me, is just affirming all her feelings and pushing for moving forward:(
Because she’s an adult now legally I can’t have any involvement in medical stuff.
However, for her to move forward, she would need our support financially at least because we now live in the US and even with insurance there would be a big co-pay.
How do parents of young adults navigate this? So many posts about under 18s say make them wait until they are 18 but a magic wand doesn’t just get waved and turn them into fully functioning adults when they have their 18th birthday!!
I adore my child- I don’t care if she presents as male but I don’t want her having top surgery (a double mastectomy- let’s not make it seem anything less than it is) and taking testosterone (which could ruin her chance to have a child if she later decides that’s something she wants)
I’m trying to say these things to her (dealing with it on my own until I have that conversation with my husband) but she’s seeing it as me stonewalling her and she feels she banging her head on a brick wall trying to get me to understand!
I want to say that I want her to have therapy for at least a year. Then we can review.
The last two years have been supporting her presentation and ‘watchful waiting’.
Now she’s coming at me and I don’t want to lose her or push her away even more (and into the arms of the supportive community who are validating her on the internet or the therapist!)
How do parents of young adults navigate this?

You could try explaining that despite being an ‘adult’ legally, biologically she is an adolescent and her brain is still developing and it is too soon to make life changing. Most of the kids caught up in this tend to be the ones who are immature for their age. As I first step I would encourage her to tell her father. Do NOT tell him for her. At least then you can hopefully present a united front on this.

I have explained my thoughts on the adolescent brain but I’m getting push back in terms of how long she’s been feeling like this (presentation as a male for 2 years at least but apparently feeling like this since before puberty?) and in particular how long she’s been binding (at least 3 years- I didn’t know for at least a year…)
I’m curious why you say she needs to tell her Dad? I do feel if she’s adult enough to consider all this she ought to be able to talk about it in an adult way but at the same time it took a lot of guts to bring up the conversation with me and I know she feels safer talking to me than him (she feels he may be homo/trans phobic despite him saying otherwise- a few comments over the years I guess)
Genuinely asking.

I suggested she tells her Dad herself as it is her choice not yours so she should explain it to him. If she doesn’t want to tell him that’s fine but it’s not ok to expect you to do it as this is about her and her choices. It seems to me she is trying to push you into the role of affirming parent but that is not the position you are taking, and at this stage you need to be clear to her about that. Maybe I have misunderstood your situation.

I agree- she is trying to push me to affirm. And I also agree that she should be the one to tell him.
I do feel that she has trusted me - eg come to me first- so I don’t want to damage that either. Very hard.
At the same time I have read extensively and seen the ‘script’ from trans internet warriors and I do feel there is a certain amount of manipulation involved in trying to force parents to hop on the bandwagon in order to not be vilified as transphobic. Very very hard because I adore my child with all my heart.

Might your daughter be open to reading the accounts from detransitioners?

Sinead Watson has a blog here and is active on Twitter Sinéad Watson | Substack

I've also just seen this thread on Twitter, not sure if any use. I've pasted the text below:

There seems to have been this silent bargain struck to say: well, the "original cohort," those kids who are highly gender-nonconforming from the cradle on are fair game for transition.

Because otherwise we'd have to say: it was always wrong, the whole time, every kid. Not a single one was born in the wrong body and if any child felt that way, it was for other reasons that should have been addressed first. And that becomes very uncomfortable.

A lot of the people expressing concern now did not express it then. In fact, they created these children. They shaped the entire lives of these children by their theories and interventions. And it was just wrong the whole time, it was a scandal from the very beginning.

There's also a temptation to put adults on an ice floe and say: of course adults are free to choose blah blah blah. But these interventions don't magically become medicine when a patient turns 18 or 25. The impossible promises transition makes don't suddenly become true.

The patients who seem to me to cope the best with transition are the ones who accept the limits: that these are cosmetic interventions. That they will not change your sex or who you are deep down.

That you will have to live with yourself. That you will not be able to control or even reliably influence how other people see you. That has to be OK.

This is not the way transition is sold to patients these days, whether those patients are children or grownups.

Transition is not medicine. Changing the body to ease the mind does not have a great track record. It is neither treatment nor cure, just alteration. And we can't sell off GNC kids or 'autonomous' adults to shore up a broken paradigm.

Eliza Mondegreen on X: "There seems to have been this silent bargain struck to say: well, the "original cohort," those kids who are highly gender-nonconforming from the cradle on are fair game for transition." / X (twitter.com)

I'm not in your situation but if I were I would refuse to pay for it. I'd be loving but clearly state I'm not comfortable with it so can't pay. Even if they then cut me off I'd stand my ground and always be ready to support them again. If your DD can't even tell her dad I expect she won't cut you off over it?

I'd also try get her to look into detransitioner stories.

Anecdotally it looks like lots of the motivation for some girls to transition is because of how they are treated as women or sexual assault history. If that applies to your child I'd pay for the therapy for that. Or therapy for other mental health struggles or an autism assessment. As these things are documented as correlating and many detransitioners are saying this was the problem and had they got help for that they would have taken a different path. Lots of criticism for gender affirming therapy so id do my research on the therapist I funded

Thank you @Leafstamp for highlighting Eliza Mondegreen. I had not heard of her before but this article by her nails the experience of being parent of a trans-identifying child or young adult. Link to article here …

@RIPDotCotton I don’t recommend trying to push detransitioner stories on your child. I tried this and it just doesn’t work. According to the trans script these are people who found living as their authentic selves too difficult due to the levels of transphobia in our society.

@RIPDotCotton It's so hard when you want the best for your child, but their best is different to your best. It sounds to me like you've being doing a great job of supporting them as you process it yourself.

I guess my question to you would be, if they had the year of therapy that you want them to have, how would you feel if at the end of that year, they didn't feel any different? Are you prepared for that? Would it change anything for you?

With regards to the mastectomy - from the people I know who've had top surgery, it's been quite something to watch them afterwards. It's obvious how much more comfortable they feel in their body. They have been older than 18 though. I'm not saying that's everyone's experience. It's just an observation. As a parent, that's hard though, because there's also grief in that.

Have you considered therapy for yourself? This could be a great way to process everything with another person, given that you can't yet talk to your kid's dad.

You mentioned that you didn't want your child to have testosterone as it would stop their chance of having children. Is there a possibility that your child could have their eggs saved so that they still have the choice later?

We live in the US so egg retrieval would run around $15k even with insurance…
I have considered therapy but honestly I’ve had it before and face to face isn’t me at all- maybe online in the future.
Right now I just want her to slow it all down and really explore the dysphoria because I do believe that permanent physical changes shouldn’t be entertained until her brain is fully developed. At this point the therapist she has chosen is 100% pushing her to push us to affirm- each time she has a session I get a lot of texts/links to videos about how parents need to be on board straight away.

If she is 18 I don't understand why the therapist is emphasising her parents approve of her decision? If she needs your approval she is too young for her age to be considering this? I think many 18 year olds do still crave their parents approval and fear displeasing them which is why I think 18 is too young still for most.

how long has she felt this way? So many with gender dysphoria grow out of it eventually.

I don't know what I would do in this situation, it must be very hard. I don't think you should tell her dad, she needs to start owning this if she really wants to push ahead with a decision to transition.

If the therapist is driving the behavior, are they really worth your money?

The therapist isn’t driving the behavior, more affirming right now. She deliberately chose this particular one because she advertises as LGBTQ friendly (apparently part of some Trans supporting therapy also)
Sadly we have no say as the therapy, at least now, is covered by health insurance and she is a separate adult. The only way to prevent it would be to take her off the family plan which just wouldn’t be possible (it covers everything!) Remember, out here people die through lack of health insurance when illness/accidents strike:(

My guess is it’s mostly financial- for any major surgery there is always some from of co-pay (like an insurance excess in the UK) and it can be thousands. Plus I genuinely believe in part she also wants our support. She has felt this way (so she says) for many years but the male presentation has been just over 2 years seriously. She’s mentioned a couple of small incidents from her childhood that apparently support her theory that she’s felt this way since she was little- one time aged around 10 when she wanted to play American football (but it was boys only), another time when she got very upset at having to wear a dress for a piano recital and apparently another time when she was crying in a changing room when trying on dresses for a school dance (this last one I have no recall of but the other two did happen!)
She never wanted to wear dresses growing up (and aside from the recital when she had to I never made her!) but always dressed fashionably for a girl. I’ve read this kind of re-writing history is very common when they are justifying their feelings? At this point I’m just exhausted with worry.
I don’t want my child to face judgement, discrimination or worse, violence in the future. If you ever read about USA politics right now the country is almost divided in two and the republican/conservative rhetoric is so anti-trans right now it scares me silly. Depending on the next election, many parts of the country would actually be dangerous for her to be in:(((

It all sounds so hard for you all right now.

bookmarking, to read later properly.

My son is 18 and trans. I don't 100% agree with the choices he is about to make (why mess with his currently healthy body, and possibly make it less healthy through hormone treatment and surgery). However I do support him, accept him and intend to be there for him throughout his journey.
You need to accept that your child's body is their own, and they are entitled to make choices about their body and their care, with or without your support. Your non acceptance now will have long lasting consequences on your relationship with your child, and their own self acceptance now and going forward. They deserve your love respect and support. You don't have to agree with their treatment plan, but making a choice to be there for them anyway will mean the world to them. You could start by using their preferred pronouns.

I agree to a point. And to this point she hasn’t changed her pronouns or name. However, because we live in the US supporting this means spending 1000s of dollars (just in co-pays!) when we are already supporting college to the time of $30k a year!!
Plus she isn’t even mature enough to have this conversation with her Dad, and is expecting me to essentially be a go-between. Maturity to talk about it whilst expecting it to be financed should be a minimum surely?
I adore my child. I support her presenting as male (have done for 2 years!) but I just want to prevent medicalization until she is old enough to live with her decision.

Interesting that she’s now texting me pushing for me to talk to her Dad about all this. I actually told her it’s not my place but she’s accused me of not doing it because I know she doesn’t have that kind of relationship with him (lack of trust) and I think it will stop her! Ultimately she can go out and get hormones whenever she wants- I know that. Surgery- now that would require our support financially as even with insurance there is a big cost.
I do feel if she’s adult enough to want this then she’s adult enough to have a hard conversation surely? I’m feeling guilty though:(

My son is also 19, and has not long started on testosterone and will likely have top surgery in a year or two’s time.
He has been consistent in his gender identity for many years, and is now thriving at university, with a great group of longstanding and newly found friends.
It’s wonderful to see him living life to the full.
Being trans is actually the least interesting thing about him.

How did you find the thought of him being so young and starting T? Especially with the possibility of changes that are irreversible?

Good question dot. In a similar situation to you. Hugs

Thanks. I’m sad others are also going through this but it helps that I’m not alone.
I genuinely want to know how other parents deal with the finality of medicalization (and yes I know T can be stopped but after 3+ months the effects are fairly permanent in lots of respects- as for a double mastectomy…)

Parents who believe they should affirm their child really confuse me. I mean, when my children were born I know what sex they were because their bodies ARE their sex. No amount of surgery or drugs will ever change that for my one. So why collude in a lie? If a female has her breasts removed, she is still a female just without breasts. If a male takes artificial female hormones he’s is still a male. Girls who wanted to play football and were told it was a boy’s game are just girls who were subjected to sexist stereotypes, the same boys who liked to play with dolls.
How precisely does a female know how a male feels? It’s literally impossible!

For me it is the fear of ‘losing’ my child, or any kind of relationship with them. The force of the trans affirming community online (and here in the US with trans affirming therapists!) is not to be taken lightly. And once they’re over 18 all bets are off. Someone on here once quoted that they just want their child to be who they are now but not in a way that can’t be changed if their life changes course or moves into a different phase. My child is deep in the trans mantra right now and all I am trying to do is keep a dialogue going and gently arguing that I don’t want anything permanent to happen.