Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Flip

Original poster

Can I tell you that DD is dating someone of the same sex?

19 replies

Birdie8989 · 16/09/2023 14:45

I have an agreement with my kids that I can occasionally check their phones - ensuring they are being safe online / using apps appropriately etc. I check very rarely.

Today is one of those days and I found messages between Dd (12yo) and her female friend that say they have been dating for a few weeks.

I'm a bit floored if I'm honest - didn't expect it. But happy if she's happy. I KNOW I have to keep my mouth shut and let her tell me in my own time. I'm guessing I shouldn't even tell my husband? So I'm telling a bunch of strangers on the internet just so someone is sharing this with me. Any advice from those who have been in the same position?

OP posts:

Mummy08m · 16/09/2023 14:47

I'm guessing I shouldn't even tell my husband

My goodness, why? Keeping secrets from parents goes against every safeguarding rule. Unless your husband is abusive or has relinquished parental responsibility or something.

TheFireflies · 16/09/2023 14:50

Mummy08m · 16/09/2023 14:47

I'm guessing I shouldn't even tell my husband

My goodness, why? Keeping secrets from parents goes against every safeguarding rule. Unless your husband is abusive or has relinquished parental responsibility or something.

It’s nothing to do with safeguarding, but unless there’s a good reason not to tell your husband (that you think he’d confront your daughter or is a bigot) then I’d tell him what you’ve seen.

But I don’t really see this as a big deal, she’s at the age when they first start talking about boyfriends and girlfriends, that this one happens to be the same sex I don’t think should be an issue.

Mummy08m · 16/09/2023 14:55

I think dating at such a young age is something to be alert about from a safeguarding point of view. If your dd's relationship progresses to being sexual (which is unlikely but possible), well she's way under the age of consent. So both caregivers should be aware and look out for signs (changes in behaviour etc). It's a low chance but a chance.

I'd be beyond furious if my dh hid something like this from me and then my dd came to harm.

Original poster

Birdie8989 · 16/09/2023 15:07

I was thinking that this is DD's news to share when she's ready - I would understand if DH kept it from me. No safeguarding issues re dh.....maybe I should tell him then? Is that what everyone would do?

What do I do if she asks for a sleepover?

OP posts:

DontBeAPrickDarren · 16/09/2023 15:21

Not a big deal. DD had a gf throughout year 7 (she told us about it herself). By end of summer it was amicably over. Totally normal to “date” amongst their age group.

Mummy08m · 16/09/2023 15:25

DontBeAPrickDarren · 16/09/2023 15:21

Not a big deal. DD had a gf throughout year 7 (she told us about it herself). By end of summer it was amicably over. Totally normal to “date” amongst their age group.

The key difference here imo is that she told you about it herself.

That means if your dd's gf had started to pressure her into stuff she wasn't ready for (hypothetically) she might have felt more able to tell you or ask you for advice.

Obviously it's quite unlikely and thankfully didn't happen to your dd. But safeguarding is about possibilities rather than probabilities

FallingAutumnLeaf · 16/09/2023 15:53

No advice, but solidarity.
I found similar about a week ago - although DS is 14. I haven't told DH yet. Partially because he's been floored with a cold, and sleeping 12 hours a day. Partly because I'm not sure it's my news to share.
I have been keeping a closer eye on DS's phone tho.

continentallentil · 16/09/2023 16:05

Mummy08m · 16/09/2023 14:47

I'm guessing I shouldn't even tell my husband

My goodness, why? Keeping secrets from parents goes against every safeguarding rule. Unless your husband is abusive or has relinquished parental responsibility or something.

Because her DD hasn’t told either of them.

It’s not a safeguarding issue, it’s 2 12 year olds ‘going out’.

I would just forget about it for now OP. She’s very young and could move on to something else. It doesn’t need any action.

Geneticsbunny · 16/09/2023 16:06

Could you watch something like heartstopper on netflix together? It is very sweet and would be a great starting point for her to know you are supportive of mixed sex relationships.

WetBandits · 16/09/2023 16:07

Which part are you ‘floored’ by? The fact that she is dating, or that she is dating a girl? Would you be worrying if/how to tell her Dad if she happened to be dating a boy?

comedownwithme · 16/09/2023 16:07

I KNOW I have to keep my mouth shut and let her tell me in my own time.

This makes no sense as she knows you checked her phone

WetBandits · 16/09/2023 16:09

Geneticsbunny · 16/09/2023 16:06

Could you watch something like heartstopper on netflix together? It is very sweet and would be a great starting point for her to know you are supportive of mixed sex relationships.

YY to Heartstopper!

I wish it had been around when I was 12 and just realising I liked girls as well as boys. I felt really isolated and had nothing to show me that the feelings I had were normal! Heartstopper has given me a lot of comfort for my inner teenager and also hope for teens who might be struggling like I was.

WallaceinAnderland · 16/09/2023 16:19

Be honest, were you snooping?

If not, then you you can say to your DD, I was checking your private messages as we agreed and see that you are dating X. How's that going?

Then you can all talk about it.

Lindy2 · 16/09/2023 16:25

12 year olds "dating" is not at all like 18 year olds dating.

I really wouldn't make anything of it nor assume any sort of confirmed sexual orientation at this age.

Kids these days have so many labels thrown at them in terms of gay, bi, straight, trans etc. Most of the young teens I know change their partner preferences as often as they change their favourite celebs.

Echobelly · 16/09/2023 16:31

My oldest also had a girlfriend at that age - it was all very innocent, albeit a lot was during COVID so no close contact, but they did get the snogs in apparently before splitting amicably after a few months. The GF was actually in year below and had things gone on longer I would have had a word, given my child was the older, about responsibility and that just because both female doesn't mean things can't go too far and lead to interactions one or other regrets. I think that's a conversation worth having as although things will likely stay fairly 'light' on the physical side, there's still a chance of something happening one or other isn't ready for.

Oldest is now 15, recently started another relationship but this time GF is living totally the opposite side of London so they only actually see each other every few weeks. They're the same age and obviously older this time so I'm a bit less concerned about understanding consequences of actions, but will have that conversation if they start staying with one another more often.

AutumnSalad · 16/09/2023 16:31

Tell your husband and just let her live her life, she’s happy. If she wants a sleepover let her, totally fine for her to experiment and if they have a bit of a kiss in private, so what? At 12 she is not going to be going full into anything.

I honestly wouldn’t be asking her about it, she deserves a bit of space to discover herself away from you. I’m fine with looking at phones at age 12 as there is the safeguarding - but you’ve found nothing that would suggest a safeguarding risk and that would be my line - nothing which is unsafe = none of my business. I’ll look but won’t bring it up with a child.

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 16/09/2023 16:33

Dating at 12 . ? Really ?

VocalFryUp · 16/09/2023 17:20

Dating at age 12? I'd be having a chat with her. It doesn't matter whether is a boy or girl.

itsmyp4rty · 26/09/2023 18:51

Why don't you just tell her that as per your agreement you have checked her phone. You don't need to say anything else, let her bring it up if she wants.

Flip