Please help - problems with ex

[CurleeSue]

My son(17) has been no contact with his bio father for 4.5 years now, prior to this there was an eowe schedule set by court however son would sometimes refuse to go for a few months at a time.

Sons father is very domineering and verbally abusive and manipulative. He is married to someone cut from the same cloth.

My son is his own person, very quiet and introverted, funny, smart and a good heart, sons father cannot accept some fundamentals about son and harrassed him constantly when he had contact. To the point son could take no more and cut ties. He only cut ties with his father however rest of that side of the family haven't reached out at all so son knows his father has been bad mouthing him and they are all of the same stance on sexuakity etc.

The issue now is through the grapevine of life my son is aware his elderly great uncle is unwell. No direct contact for this man, he would be in his 80s and lives roughly 12hours away. This man was kind when my son saw him a handful of times over his life and he thinks he would like to see him before he passes away which seems imminent. He wishes no contact with any other family member.

Would you accommodate this? And how, is it possible with no contact with any others?
Thanks for any views on this

You son wants to travel 12 hours to see a restive he has seen a handful of times and the last time being many years ago?

Yes, and no, he's on the fence, I think this relative stood out because he was the only one on that side of the family who was supportive and non judgemental, so even though its been many years he's always held him to a higher standard than any of the rest of that family, and in a way now as a young man feels he could articulate how much that meant

12 hours away?!!

come on op. That’s a flight? And accommodation? On his own? For an elderly relative he last saw in his early teens and only a handful of times.

suggest he write a letter

I completely agree with you. However he just won't let this go, I don't know if he somehow is thinking it will give him peace for cutting out the toxic members if he goes above and beyond to see in person this man, I really don't know, he says he was so understanding etc of him which is lovely, however I wonder how much has been built up in his head around this because as you say it's been years with no other contact other than face to face. I don't want to dismiss it if it's important to him and want to be supportive.

Your correct it would be a flight, we're not far from an airport and could do a return in a day if it was literslly just a visit and away again

Come again?

He is 12 hours away
Involved a flight
and you think you can do it in a day?

so you would pick up tab for him and you to fly long haul? For the day

However he just won't let this go, I

well yes but presumably he is not buying two long haul flights

It’s quite possible that his uncle is suffering from age related dementia and won’t remember a boy he saw a handful of times, and not for many years

Just how long ago did your DS see this relative?

4.5 years, the last time he saw his father it was a family gathering for something, there was a huge blowout with alcohol involved and my son on the receiving end of some horrendous verbal abuse, this uncle was there and defended my child, called the police and told my son he understood If he never seen any of them again

12 hours would be by car x

I guess about 2 by flying

Absolutely. Or so frail/poorly he be beyond communication really. He is in the local hospital to where he lives

Your son has a notion that is really a flight of fancy.

A heartfelt letter would be a much better idea. Or even a phone call if the chap is well enough.

To go and see him is simply impractical.

So now you’d drive but you said it would be a flight upthread?

and you think you’ll do 12 hour drive for a visit and then drive back in one day?

No, the distance is a 12 hour drive away was just to explain just how far this is, there would be flights available from local ish to us and him at the other end.
I've been through all of this with him but there's just something he won't stop with and I wanted outside perspective. He works part time and is in college so he has some money but I don't know yet what a flight would cost etc.

I guess I just wanted others opinions on how to navigate this,

I think the uncle would be utterly baffled to learn your boy and his mother had travelled 24 hours to see him

I absolutely agree.

Your correct it would be a flight, we're not far from an airport and could do a return in a day if it was literslly just a visit and away again

so you’d drive instead. And return in a day? Or is he also planning for you to stump up for a hotel and dining too?

If he can get a flight why not go? The saying is you regret the things you don't do, not the one's you do. Support your son in this.

In contrast to almost everyone else on this thread - I think it would be a lovely thing to do. If I was the great uncle I would be made up to know that my actions were still thought of with great significance.

I guess just be mindful that if he is very ill, he may not be "with it" or conscious. I would also contact the hospital and make sure you'd be allowed to visit. Sometimes it's restricted.

As you know the hospital he's in I would suggest he contacts them first to see how the relative is... to help work out if a visit would even be possible/suitable for the relative..as you don't know enough... then decide
Hospital staff are often really good at navigating tricky family dynamics and terminal illnesses..

if he does decide to go maybe walking through scenarios of other members of the family or exDf being there/around...