Advice on DS Age 11

[Helplessmum3]

Hi, I hope you can help me with something please. My son is 11 and in the last year of primary school. He has always been feminine in his ways and only hangs around with girls at school. However he is also really into dinosaurs and rough plays with his brother which is not considered so ‘girly’.

Recently he has been asked by various children in his year group whether he is gay. The school have dealt with this now as it was confusing and bothering him.

He has now told me that he thinks he possibly is gay but doesn’t want to gay. It’s like he is so scared :-( I have told him that it’s perfectly fine if he is gay and me and his dad will support him whatever he chooses to be.

He then told me today that he would rather be a girl as he doesn’t like his body or his private parts and in his words boys like to tease each other about their private parts and it makes him feel really uncomfortable. He also said he wants to be a girl so that he doesn’t have to be gay.

I would really appreciate your advice please. Has anyone had experience of something similar and what was the outcome later on?

I'd just tell him that in 2023 boys can play with any toys and have friends of any sex, that's completely normal.

Not wanting to be teased is a separate thing not related to sexuality. If he was being teased for something else would you try to 'fix' him? If he was teased for being brown as my dd was would you tell him he didn't have to be brown he could change his skin. Maybe get him some skin lightening cream?

Hi, yes similar situation, he may be gay but he really doesn't need to think about it yet, it must be scary for him to be made to think about it all too early. I think my child has an aversion to his male body. It's good that you've noticed this now. You are starting all the adolescent years now and it might be a long haul! What's important is that your child is talking to you ❤️

How did you respond when he told you he wanted to be a girl to avoid teasing and so that he wouldn't be gay?

Children can be so unkind to each other. I would have another word with school about the teasing. And I would probably let him know he doesn’t need to work out if he is gay or not as an urgent thing. But also meanwhile try to to subtly bring in sone gay role models perhaps. Books or films, sports or film stars maybe.

Him wanting to be a girl so he doesn’t have to be gay is textbook internalised homophobia.

I’d encourage whatever body positivity you can including physical activities of any sort. Limit (to zero ideally) any unsupervised time online.

Do you know where he might have got the idea about being a girl from? Have school taught about gender identity?

You might find some of the advice here is helpful if the talk about wanting to be a girl continues https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips/

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful words 😌 I just want him to be happy and for other kids to let him be.

I think he thinks his life would be easier if he was a girl, most of his friends are girls and on his opinion if he was a girl then he wouldn’t get called gay at school. He has also said that he will never find girls attractive and so again I think the fear of being gay sets in. I have told him that there is nothing to worry about, to try and embrace and be proud of who he is.

He starts secondary school in September and I really hope he is ok.

Please be careful with his phone use and access to TikTok and other sites which will promote to him the idea that all his problems will be solved if he transitions to living as a girl as he is trans. It sounds like he might be watching this material already, although it is good he has been able to share with you. This material tells children their parents are transphobic and will not accept them, encourages them to keep it secret from their parents, while changing names and pronouns at school and with friends.

Thank you so much for this advice :-)

Poor lad.

In secondary he will be the envy of many boys when he's hanging out with all of his female friends.

I think I'd reassure him that many people don't know if they are gay or heterosexual until they are much older l(in my case going to university age) and that's fine. Maybe if you have an anecdote like that it might help.

Growing up is tough and I'd just want to give him a big hug and tell him that it will turn out ok but there's a few years of awkwardness etc that he has to go through first. He's brave and smart for being able to explain his feelings to you. I hope that continues into his teen years too 💐

Thank you for your kind words and advice :-)

I wonder where he's getting all this from?