Problem with DS and ex's wife

[Cheesnonion]

N/C for this one

I am divorced with a DD and a Ds who both live with me, still have a pretty good relationship with my ex who is remarried and has both kids to stay on a regular basis.

Ever since ds was very young he has expressed a preference for typically girls clothing, it's never been an issue. When he was very young it was just the usual sparkly princess dresses, over the years he would get the odd hand me down dress, skirt or top from his sister but again it was just dressing up/playing at home.

In the back of my mind I had always wondered if there was more to it, but my ex and I both agreed that we should let him be and not make a thing of it. He would either grow out of it or he wouldn't .

From around nine years old it seemed to have stopped but when he was eleven about a year after his dad had left he began "borrowing" without permission his sisters clothes.
We had a heart to heart about what was gojng on it became quite emotional and for the first time he told me that he wished he was a girl.
As I said before this wasn't completely unexpected to me.

My ex and I agreed that it would be best to carry on as before so in effect offer support but no real encouragement or leading. I know not everyone agrees with that approach but we felt it was right.

Basically this boiled down to longer hair and some new clothes to wear at home.

Everyone seemed very happy with this arrangement , giving ds space to explore with no drama from extended family etc.

The problem in all this is my ex's new wife She seems to have made my ds her personal project.
He is thirteen now and I know through my dd that when they stay there she will often take them out shopping. I don't mind this I'm glad that they both get treats as I can't really afford to spoil them.

Two weeks ago they all went to the movies but it came out that ds went presenting as a girl!
I was livid as I have always discussed with and included my ex in anything to do with the kids.

When I asked my ex what was going on he said I was over reacting, that it had been a last minute decision to go out and ds was excited when it was suggested that he went as he was.

Today they have just been dropped off and it obvious my ds is wearing a bra!!

I asked dd if she had handed one of hers down and that I would have liked to have been consulted first.
But no it turns out that my ex's wife had decided to make this what I consider to be a huge step off her own back!

Have sent a ranting message to my ex, he says that once again I'm over reacting, that it was going to happen sooner or later.

Am I in wrong feeling like this? Feelng like i am being shut out and ignored?
Is she acting out of kindness, msybe I'm just jealous?

Sorry not sure anyone can advice, just needed a rant really.

I am sorry your ex has been so thoughtless and is not taking his parenting duties seriously. I agree with you that he is minimising here and should have consulted you. Please read the Cass review which states that social transition is not a neutral step. Have you checked what name and pronouns are being used when your ds is with his dad and family? This may already have gone further than clothes.

Maybe try to have a calm conversation with your ex and agree the next steps and boundaries as you previously did which seemed a sensible wait and see approach. You ds is still very young.

Does she have daughters of her own? I wonder if she is grasping at this chance to take on that particular mum/daughter role?
Of course it's always going to be easier for your ex and his wife to play the cool fun parents.
I agree it was wrong to let your ds leave the house presenting as a girl without discussing it with you, I would be cross as well.
My ds is trans although much older than yours. We raised him with a watch and wait attitude although looking back I can see that I was very much an enabler.
I can remember that there were times that were difficult and embarrassing for him. Not least asking for thst first bra, we danced around the subject for ages, talking mainly through texts before he finally asked me to help him buy a couple, so msybe your ds is feeling the same way and it was just easier to turn to your exs wife.

I hadn't thought about them using a different name or Pro nouns! It just brings it home to me that i really don't know what is going on.
It's not fair to keep quizzing my dd. I will get my thoughts together and call my ex to see if we can have some kind of reset and come up with some ground rules going forward.
It just feels like some huge decisions have been made without any input from me.
It's harder to take a step backwards and really not fair on my ds as he hasn't done anything wrong.

She doesn't have any children of her own so perhaps that plays a part in her thinking.
You could be right about my ds being embarrassed but how do I move forward now unless I offer to take him shopping as well as a way to break the ice.
I have never allowed him to wear anything outside of the house before but already today I felt I had to ignore something or end up being the bad guy which I fear would not be helpful right now.

social transition is not a neutral or minor thing it is shocking that she would feel happy to take this parenting decision on herself.

just be yourself and you're fine just as you are seem like healthy and sensible messages kids should hear from parents - letting him choose any t-shirt he likes when she takes him shopping probably ok in my book, buying him a feather boa, or velvet flares even, you might not like her doing it without discussion but I can see an argument why she'd think it was fine. Buying him a bra isn't something I can agree with, she's overstepped massively.

transgender trend on social transition