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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

What age did your child know they were gay/bi-sexual/queer?

35 replies

Pinkfranny · 10/02/2023 13:05

Without necessarily understanding the words to use, at what age did you child understand or show signs that they were gay? Do you think it’s possible for them to feel this early in primary school?

OP posts:
Fenella123 · 10/02/2023 13:22

In the grand tradition of annoyingly answering a different question - so please feel to tut and ignore - here is a potted history of various friends..
X(f) - started off as nominally a lesbian and certainly has kept the fashion style but happily married to a man now
Y(m) - always gay or gay-ish but did date X for some months! Now in long-term relationship with another man
Z(m) - always gay, now married to another man
A(m) - dated Z in college, but last heard of seeing a woman
B(f) - had a long-term bf in college but now married to another woman
And let's not forget the writer of Sing If You're Glad To Be Gay himself, Tom Robinson - married to a woman.

My point being that life is a long and winding trip and you can never be 100% sure how it will go.

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 10/02/2023 22:36

Ds1 came out to me at 12/13 but i don’t know how long he’d had these feelings for

he was quite a lonely little boy with high anxiety since about 8 so i don’t know whether he felt different at that age and it had any bearing or whether it was just his personality

id ask him but he wont remember 😀

AnotherCoolName · 18/02/2023 17:53

My boy is 7 and he knows. He has a huge crush on another boy and he tells me he's gay. I am totally cool about it however I worry how his life at school is going to be as there is a lot of homophobic parents, sadly.

Acunningruse · 20/04/2023 11:59

DS is 10 and has always known. I can't really remember when it became apparent. But now he's 10 he's very open about having crushes- current one is on our optician Grin

JuneShitfield · 20/04/2023 12:05

Two of my brothers are gay. They both knew from an early age — under 10 in both cases.

Obviously it isn’t sexual at that age — older bro describes it as a kind of slow realisation of difference, like mists clearing.

And things like — when grannies etc would make those cliche remarks about ‘marrying a nice girl someday’ he’d get all looped because he wanted to marry a nice boy.

Straight people tend to underestimate how all-pervasive the signals of heterosexuality are, and how gay/lesbian/bisexual people usually react against tiny social and cultural codes that straight people don’t even notice.

paulinesmithson · 22/04/2023 15:04

Not my child, but myself. I knew at the age of 11ish I think, and it was nothing to do with sex, just romantic like primary school crushes etc

Movinghouseatlast · 22/04/2023 15:10

My niece was about 8 when she started insisting she was a boy. She refused to wear anything other than football strip. Her very uniform strict school allowed it. She insisted on being referred to as a boy.

About 18 months in she suddenly dropped it all and asked to dress as a girl again. However at 17 she came out as gay so in my opinion ( based on nothing I admit) she knew at 8 but didn't understand her feelings at that point.

whatisforteamum · 22/04/2023 15:11

My ds told me at 16/17.i wasnt surprised and through later conversations i think it was when puberty hit.
My husband thought it was a phase.
Ds lives with a man now .

dementedpixie · 22/04/2023 15:14

My brother told me he was gay when I was 16 so he must have been age 20. Not queer as that was a slur against gay people and I cringe a bit when I see it in use these days.

slamfightbrightlight · 22/04/2023 15:20

DC is 12 and has a same sex partner. Could be a phase, they’ve fallen in with a friendship group that’s very focused on their identities, but it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if they were gay. They have been super blasé when mentioning the same-sex partner which I’m glad about, it hasn’t been a big “thing”.

heathspeedwell · 22/04/2023 15:23

One of my friends (who is in his 40s now) says he knew he was gay when he was five. But another was convinced he was gay as a teen and has been happily married to a woman for years. Until my twenties I didn't know if I was gay, straight or asexual - turns out I'm bi.

I do think it's important to give young people space and support to explore their feelings.

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 22/04/2023 15:41

Very similar to moving house - DD totally turned against anything she perceived to be 'girl stuff' around 8. I had said to my friends for years that I would be amazed if she was straight - she came out to me at 14.

Fireyflies · 22/04/2023 16:05

DD said she was bi at about 11 and had a "date" or two at that age with both sexes, then settled into a longer term relationship with a boy from 14. She's had only bfs for the last 5 years (now 19) and has recently decided that she's not really bi, she's straight.

Gay adults often look back and think they've always known they were gay. But straight adults also often look back on their teens and childhood and can remember same sex crushes too. Same sex friendships can be intense when you're young.

Puffalicious · 22/04/2023 16:15

DS2 came out at 16 as 'not straight'. He says he's not gay, feels bi at the moment. This was just at Xmas, so we're not long into the process yet. He's had a girlfriend in the past, but no boyfriend/ partner of any sex/ identity at the minute. It's a process for some, and seems to be for him.

DS1 is straight - adores the ladies 😂- DS2 told him recently and he's is a bit puzzled by it all. I think if his brother had said he was gay he would have grasped that easily, I think it's the 'I like lots of things' that he's not understanding. But, like I keep saying, why not like lots of things?

Hubblebubble · 22/04/2023 16:17

I found girls pretty at primary school. I continued to find girls attractive as I grew up. Because I also liked boys I tried to tell myself that I just wanted to look like the girls I was attracted to. I admitted to myself I fancied both when I was in my first year of uni.

Leafstamp · 25/04/2023 17:14

dementedpixie · 22/04/2023 15:14

My brother told me he was gay when I was 16 so he must have been age 20. Not queer as that was a slur against gay people and I cringe a bit when I see it in use these days.

Agreed about slightly wincing at 'queer'. As well as being/having been a slur, it seems to be a word used by straight people who want to appear more interesting.

Iamdobby63 · 03/05/2023 22:54

My son came out to me at 11, last day of primary school. I think he had it figured out for a few years before.

Inamuddle36 · 04/05/2023 11:36

“Came out” as what?

AnorLondo · 04/05/2023 11:57

Inamuddle36 · 04/05/2023 11:36

“Came out” as what?

Can't you read the title?

dementedpixie · 04/05/2023 12:27

But gay/bi/queer are not all the same so maybe they want to know which one they came out as

Inamuddle36 · 04/05/2023 22:48

exactly. Gay/bi/queer are not the same — hence my curiosity as to what Iamdobby63’s son “came out” as.
My DC have a friend who “came out” as a trans female lesbian.
I have a gay friend whose son “came out” as “straight”.
So the possibilities are varied.

YouJustDoYou · 04/05/2023 22:51

My little sister was 10, but knew earlier. I've never had attracted for either sex, and it's always been that way, first realised that wasn't normal at about 11 or 12.

Iamdobby63 · 19/05/2023 00:44

Inamuddle36 · 04/05/2023 11:36

“Came out” as what?

Sorry didn’t check back in.

My son came out as gay.

PriOn1 · 09/07/2023 08:29

My daughter didn’t tell me she was a lesbian until she was 19, because she’d finally met someone she was really interested in.

There were hints earlier, when she hit puberty, but I’m not sure she understood herself what it meant.

She refused to wear clothes she saw as feminine from about 18 months old though, and all her friends were male.

So in conclusion, she probably felt “different” from quite early on, though I’m not sure what age she properly twigged. I made it clear in age appropriate ways that it didn’t matter to me what sex any future girlfriend/boyfriend they brought home and left them to it.

caramacyears · 22/08/2023 20:20

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