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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Struggling big time - please help...

5 replies

flogic82 · 29/12/2022 20:25

Hi there - hoping someone can help.

My son came out as gay 2 and a half years ago and, despite our complete acceptance and assurances, he changed towards us overnight.

Before, he was the sweetest, kindest, most eager to please child and teenager.

My husband and I are struggling to cope with this now very selfish, self centred, rude, aggressive young man (20 next birthday) and honestly we are on the brink of either a break down or throwing him out.

We have had the worst Christmas ever.

I have read that this is 'normal'. That the pushing of the buttons might be his attempt to provoke us into an act which fulfils his expectation that, despite all our assurances, we don't accept him for who he is. We do absolutely. But does this mean we also have to accept his total lack of respect and destruction of our family life in an effort to keep the peace? We can't bear it any longer.

He picks fights verbally. then gets aggressive with us. He constantly tries to shock us by talking about his sexual conquests. He is at Uni in London most of the time but when he comes home he continually disrespects our house, our boundaries and our belongings. We support him financially as well as pastorally and have, for the last 2 and a half years, tried to ride this all out as best we can. It's only getting worse though.

I'm hoping someone can either tell us that we need to continue to ride it out or that it isn't in fact normal and we need to put our metaphorical feet down!

Any support anyone can offer would be gratefully appreciated. We love him totally unconditionally but we don't actually like him very much at the moment. Nothing whatsoever with him being gay, all totally to do with him acting like a knob most of the time!

OP posts:
AnnaBanana8 · 29/12/2022 21:18

Interesting he her was "eager to please" before. That tells me that he kept a lot of his emotional struggled inwards. Perhaps him behaving this way was linked to "coming out" sexually, as he also allowed his emotions to surface.
He sounded like a people pleaser before and although it's easy to live with a people pleaser, the pain they experience gets turned inwards.
He may be now externalising it and unfortunately you are getting the brunt of it all. You sound very clued up and accepting of him so you might also be his "safe" people.
it's hard not to take his behaviour personally right now and very tempting to up the discipline, but I'm wondering if his actions are a cry for help through an extremely confusing time for him.
Good luck x

AnnaBanana8 · 29/12/2022 21:19

Sorry the first line should read "interesting that he was eager to please"

RIPDotCotton · 30/12/2022 16:16

Following this with interest. We are experiencing something similar (with DD18) although she hasn’t ‘officially’ come out to us. It’s a long story but my husband broke her trust by snooping on her computer 2 years ago because we were concerned about her behavior in general and as part of a discussion I had with her she told me she was bi. Should say I didn’t approve of what he did but once it was done it was done. Since then she has basically started presenting as a male (clothing, binding) and is acting out and avoiding us as a family at all costs. She’s moody, nasty sometimes.
a couple of times she has told me she doesn’t believe her Dad is supportive (he’s made comments about her cutting her hair short a few times (not in front of me though?)
I suspect she is pushing us because deep down she doesn’t believe we would support her coming out as gay. For myself it is a non-issue- I adore her and don’t care who she loves as long as they treat her right! The husband is another matter and I suspect my daughter may be right that deep down he isn’t okay with it - just call it an instinct but he seems to just be ‘saying’ the right thing…
I guess what I’m saying it maybe it’s something they have to go through? And I agree with the first poster that you are his safe people. It doesn’t help on a day to day basis (as I’m learning!) so I’m looking to see if anyone has been through it and come out the other side with a great relationship!
Sending ((hugs))

RambamThankyouMam · 31/12/2022 21:44

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Runningintolife · 31/12/2022 22:12

What are the consequences of him disrespecting your boundaries each time? Are you united and authoritative (as well as loving) as parents?

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