13 yr old DS came out to 18 yr old DS

[feedtheworld]

As the title. Eldest DS recently told me my youngest DS came out to him a while back. They are very close although eldest is at Uni now, this was when he was home for reading week in October.
Apparently youngest was upset but eldest gave him a big hug and said it was fine and that we (Mum and Dad) would be fine about it. But he isn't ready to tell us.
I am actually completely OK about it but I don't know whether it's just best to keep quiet or try and engineer a conversation. I just want him to know he is loved and his happiness is the most important thing. I mean hopefully he knows that anyway but I wish I could just tell him we are here for him.
Any advice gratefully received. Thanks.

I don't really have advice, but we had a similar situation just yesterday where we became aware that DDs friends were calling her a different name. We asked her about it when her friends had left and now i really wish we had waited until she was really ready to talk to us.

In my situation, i wish we waited but maybe used the time to have conversations that would make her feel safe to have the convo when ready

@feedtheworld give them the time to be comfortable with how they are feeling and they will talk to you in their own time.

Personally I feel “coming out” is old fashioned as no one declares “I’m straight”. Just this is x they are my boyfriend/girlfriend.

Thank you for the advice.
I understand coming out may be old fashioned but he definitely told his brother that he is gay and it definitely felt like a big deal for him.

@flagpole thanks for sharing that, I want to do this but I'm not really sure what those conversations would entail.

It’s precisely because no one announces ‘I’m straight’ that coming out is not old fashioned. We aren’t past those assumptions that everyone is straight, not by a long shot.

OP, maybe if you can think of a way to talk supportively of other gay couples that would be good, or just discussing love life in general in a way that’s natural, but you don’t want to make your son feel he’s confided in the wrong person and his brother has broken his trust. It’s easier to come out to peers than parents. Let him get to it in his own time, which he will, when he’s ready.

My best friends daughter came out to my son when they were 12. He asked my advice on what to say to the DD. I recommended something. I didn't say a word to her mum until her mum told me. Nothing worse than being outed!

I do t speak from experience but I wonder if some positive language around homosexuality dropped in occasionally? For example joke about how you look forward/dread the day when they bring their first girl or boyfriend home for Christmas dinner or you wonder if your eldest will meet a partner at uni?

Yes my eldest DS definitely doesn't want me to say anything, he knows that it was a good thing that he trusted him enough to tell him. My DH is a bit rubbish with talking about feelings but loves both our boys very very much. He works very closely with a gay colleague and talks very positively about him (colleague is pretty awesome at his job and an all round decent guy)
I'm going to wait it out and hope DS can confide in me when he feels ready. He's still young, we have plenty of time. We are very close so I hope he can trust me one day.