New to this

[Kayjay2018]

Hi, im new to this board and after some advice so I can support my DS as best I can. My DS18 has gone to uni this September and is loving life there, seems to have completely blossomed and is doing amazingly well.

A little while ago he told me he is bisexual and is attracted to men and women, i was a little surprised as to date he had only talked about women. We had a good chat and I reassured him I had zero issues with it (he has felt this way a while and not said) and that all I care about is that whoever he dates treats him well and he is happy.

Yesterday during a chat he mentioned wearing a skirt as part of a society activity, and as we talked he admitted it's not for an activity he just feels like wearing one. I feel a little out of my depth and hope I handled things ok. We talked about what sort of length, how to deal with his leg hair (he's not ready to take it all off) and benefits of leggings/tights and skirts especially as it's winter. I gave him some pointers on getting something fairly cheap so he can try it out and see if he likes it (his idea) and also where to find tall clothes as he is 6ft. We then chatted about other stuff.

Afterwards I sent him a link to a few places, explained about female clothes sizing compared to male and found him some male leggings (base layer type) as they will probably cope with his long legs.

I then asked if this was just a desire to try other clothes or his way of saying he wants to be female. He responded with the latter and that he is worried about telling his dad as he expects that side of the family to have issues (we are not together) he was also surprised I asked the question as he was going to tell me at Christmas when back home. We have agreed we will chat and come up with a plan when he is back in a few weeks and I have said we will have a phone catch up to talk me though what he needs and how I can support him.

I'm so worried about saying the wrong thing and him not feeling he can talk to me. He hasn't spoken to me about pronouns etc so I'll refer to his as DS till he does. I want to be supportive without pushing him in any direction as I am aware everything is new to him and anything he decides now he is at complete liberty to change whenever he feels like it if this is an exploratory phase or he decides this is the new him. Any pointers for me from anyone who has been in this situation on either side as the young person or parent? Any thoughts on how to support him talking to his dad?

And if I have said anything offensive please let me know, I had about 3 seconds between him telling me these things and responding to him and I could well have said the wrong thing

Sounds like you've done great being supportive so far.

It sounds like you’ve handled this amazingly and you should be proud DS has the sort of relationship and bond with you where he felt he could tell you and get support.

His dad is a whole other kettle of fish entirely but I think it’s worthwhile to have a talk with how he wants to approach things with his Dad and also to make sure DS knows everything goes at HIS speed and that he doesn’t have to tell his Dad immediately because he’s obviously going to find out one way or another anyway. For the actual conversation with his Dad, just t by the sounds of things, I would recommend you talk to your son about being very direct and firm.

I don’t mean cold or nasty, obviously. But it sounds like you’re both feeling like his Dad might have an issue with this and IMO the best approach is to give statements instead of wording things as questions or where there’s room for objection. Perhaps a letter would be better so there’s time for everything to be digested. But statements like “I feel like , I have decided , I know this might cause issues but I hope you’ll support me” somewhat take the element of this being a “choice” out of a conversation or that this is something that can be objected.

As for everything else, you’re doing amazing and should be proud of how you’ve handled it. Let DS come to you with suggestions and most conversation topics around it, it sounds like he’s getting comfortable being able to confide in you about this sort of thing. Well done for being the support network DS needs. X

@kiwiiem thank you for your reply. I like to think we have a hood bond and we do talk. His dad will actually be fine (so will his wife and sister) it's actually the grandfather that will be the issue sadly, he is not a pleasant man and sadly Nan who would have been awesome passed away two years ago - she would have been supportive. I haven't said anything to anyone other than my husband as this isn't my news to share, although DS knows I'm happy to play whatever part he wants me to.

Oh, that’s so hard. Especially when I’m assuming the grandad is of an older generation. Maybe it’s something he can be left out of until it’s an unavoidable topic. It’s best for DS to be able to explore freely without judgement before I would think of telling his grandfather, but obviously that’s just my opinion.

Happy to hear DS will have the support of his Dad and wife though - he sounds like he’ll have quite the support network.

I’m wishing you all the best. X

The kindest thing to do is to remind him that he will never be female. He can wear the clothes associated with stereotypes of femaleness, but he needs to accept that he's male.

Omg if you were my mum I'd be buzzing! How incredibly supportive. Keep doing what you are doing. Ask questions, support them. You are doing amazing xxx

@Tabitha888 thank you. I have told him to bear in mind he has had these thoughts for a while and I have literally the time it takes for him to say a sentence to process and respond. I am just putting him at the heart of it all, this is about him, no one else. I have offered to go shopping with him when back at Christmas and when we catch up I'll recommend looking at what other people wear. Most people I see around are in jeans and jumper or hoodie which are fairly gender neutral, so maybe he could just go for some different colours than those he has! I cannot remember the last time I wore a skirt! Might be a more gentle way of wearing more feminine items when home and around people he hasn't told

This.

Whatever clothes he wishes to wear really doesn’t matter, they’re just clothes. But he can’t be female and needs to respect women’s safe spaces. This thing of changing gender and potentially your body instead of finding a way to accept your body and your sex is really harmful. Being supportive doesn’t mean just accepting. Reality has to be part of the conversation if you really want to be supportive.

I think I’d be concerned that this has all come about because of a new social group at university. Is he autistic? We can be incredibly vulnerable to social contagion.

I’ve known young people suddenly announce things like this after 18/20 years of no indication/signs at all that they believed they were the opposite sex.

To be honest the two that have done better were the ones whose parents were loving but not validating at all. One set of friends told me that they’d just told them it was physically impossible and went into the real damage to health caused (refused to get binders etc.), but that they could wear/do what they want. One child tried to black her mum with suicide stats but friend unciveeed that ‘transition’ didn’t actually have any effect in suicide rate. They came out of it relatively unscathed.

The one boy who was completely affirmed (they immediately set about getting him illegal hormones as the wait was too long apparently) has ended up a complete mess. He ‘detransitioned’, as the majority do when they suddenly start experiencing dysphoria at that age, but has been left with a plague of health problems and is mentally scarred from his ‘friends turning in him the moment he decided he wasn’t trans.

I agree with this. Kindness in this case isn’t to go along with this. The best thing you can do is to gently question what has made him think this, what he thinks being a woman is, what does being a woman feel like, ask about these new friends. I’m very gender critical but very much feel for young people that are being so strongly influenced by this ideology. I would want to protect my son from it, it’s frightening where this can lead.

Thank you everyone, really interesting to hear everyone's thoughts. It has, for me come out of the blue, I am aware he advised he was bisexual and part of an lgbtq+ group at uni and then a few weeks on this latest news. He tells me his close friends have known he is bi for a few years so I don't think that part is new. He may just be exploring, experimenting and trying to discover who he is and decide that this isn't for him, equally this may be his future.

We haven't had a long chat since the news, just a few text messages, I think it will be easier to talk face to face in a few weeks. I suppose I just want to keep the avenues of communication open. I want him to feel he can talk to me without judgement and with him knowing I will support him whichever choice he makes.

I suppose I just want to keep the avenues of communication open. I want him to feel he can talk to me without judgement and with him knowing I will support him whichever choice he makes.

Exactly right, hopefully you'll get some good advice. 🌺

I thought I'd give a bit of an update on how things went nearly a year and a half on. Might be useful for some parents.

Mindful of keeping communication open with my son, we had a number of chats when he was back from Uni that Christmas. I told him I would support him whatever, although my preference (he was an adult so all I could do was advise), was that he address some of his mental health issues (I suspected anxiety and depression which was confirmed late last summer and he is on medication) and have some counselling and if after addressing those issues he still wanted to properly transition then I would support him. He was adamant he didn't want us ti call him a new name, by new pronouns or tell any of the other family (he did tell family last summer).

Roll on new uni year and he didn't pick back up with the LGBTQ+ group at uni (there had been in fighting in the previous semester). He saw a doctor and got prescribed some medication and he is like a different son (took a few months for the meds to work and he still has some wobbly days - especially if he forgets his medicine). He has now discovered the drag society and made new friends, he is no longer convinced he is trans, although he doesn't like his genital area. He has bought a few feminine outfits for drag events and had a blast at his first one, even getting up on the stage (if you knew him this is so out of character) and he says that the dressing up and not being himself gave him confidence to relax and enjoy himself. No more talk of clinics, surgery or hormones, just what outfit he is planning for the next society. He always understood he would never become a woman, never wanted to be in women's spaces and is quite outspoken against some of that ideology when we have talked about it. He hasn't felt strong enough for therapy although he knows he needs to do it to work through some issues (it's on his to do list!)

No idea what the future holds for him, we still have a fabulous relationship (it takes some getting used to giving shoe and outfit advice (I think I'm dumped in favour of new drag friends for the next event). My advice would be to anyone worrying, be supportive without affirming, if your child has or you suspect has mental health issues help them to address them and keep communication open even if it's tough.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Your son is lucky to have such a supportive parent and also to have been able to access appropriate medical advice.

If you're not going to read the whole thread, @CoralPanda, you could at least read the OP's posts.

You got any stats about the massively high rates of peadophiles?

@TheSmallAssassin as you can see if you read my last post, he has always understood he will never be a woman and is actually, a year on, less believing he is trans. He still needs to begin talking therapy to talk about what I believe are some underlying issues about how he feels about himself

@Kayjay2018 what a great outcome! My eldest came out as non-binary 3 years ago now and we are still going down that road. I also support but don’t affirm. They act v much like their birth sex to me still.

That's great Kayjay, so glad he is happy in himself, having fun and with a grip on the realities of sex. Good for him and well done you.

This. Stop pandering to this nonsense

@XelaM Thanks for that most helpful comment. If you looked at my updates then you can see how things are going. I felt like you till my son who I loved got caught up in all this. You don't stop loving them because they suddenly hit you with these things and need to make sure communication lines are fully open to help them address the true underlying issues. Being completely outspoken and if I'm honest telling him how I really feel would have pushed him away from me and towards those "helping" him. Let's hope you don't have to face this

I for one appreciate your update @Kayjay2018 it's so very hard to know what to do and say, my DS is 2 years into believing he is trans and we are just trying to slow the whole thing down and hold it very lightly. I’m interested though about your son discovering drag and enjoying the “dressing up” and wonder if that’s something to talk to mine about.

we have a lovely relationship but he struggles to talk about anything intimate or vulnerable so he’s in therapy for that more than the dysphoria. I’m so glad your son is finding a way to comfortable with his physicality and having fun with experimenting how he presents in the world