Son may be gay?

[Mumofmonkeys12]

Sorry this is a weird one….
I’ve always tried to make it clear that aslong as my kids are happy & healthy I honestly don’t care about anything else. They can have a boy friend, girlfriend, husband, wife, whatever it’s their choice & I’ll stick by it no matter what.
my oldest son is 10…. Today, him & his brother (8) were just joking about, winding eachother up…as brothers do & my youngest said something along the lines of ‘you’d fancy him though’ & my oldest replied with ‘so what if I do’ so this quickly spiralled into the ‘mum he’s gay’ bla bla bla…. So I asked my oldest if he was & he said yes while hiding behind a blanket. So I replied with ‘thank you for trusting me with this & aslong as your happy I’m happy’ but his brother kept going on & on ‘I can’t believe your gay’ & laughing etc, just being a bit of a twit about it to be honest. I told him to leave it alone but he wouldn’t. Then my oldest has came out with ‘actually I’m only joking’ & is now sticking to that. He’s also now decided he doesn’t want things on his Christmas list like a pink gaming chair etc anymore, not sure if it’s related or if he’s genuinely just changed his mind.

I honestly don’t care, I have no judgments & I’ll be happy no matter who he decides he loves…. I just don’t want him to have to hide it because of his brothers reaction.

I think your initial reaction to your older son was great but you shouldn’t have allowed your younger son to carry on like that.

I tried to shut it down, told him he wasn’t being fair. Changed the subject. Told him off but he just kept bringing it back up, it was just pure shock I think, which was a fair reaction for an 8year old (he has possible adhd & ASD also) but I’ve no idea what to do now…. So I just leave my older son to come to me again? Do I speak to him more about it? I don’t want him to feel any way pressured but I also don’t want him to feel alone.

I don’t have any experience so prob not the best to comment but if this were my kids (same ages) I would find some time alone with older and just tell them what you’ve said that you are happy if they are happy and can come to you with anything. Explain that your younger son was being an idiot. And just leave it at that.

He's probably not sure himself and a bit confused. At his age it would be likely he is exploring his feelings and feel a bit vulnerable by announcing he is definitely gay. I would just go with what he wants for now knowing your reaction was just what he needed to feel comfortable to talk to you in the future.

I would definitely wait for a natural situation when you are alone with eldest child and say something along the lines of “I know you said it was a joke but I do want you to know that even if you or your brother did ever tell me that you are gay nothing changes and I love you” and maybe add that his little brother acted in a very immature way (so he knows you aren’t supportive of his reaction).

I would wait for a situation when you child doesn’t have to look at you too have this convo (e.g. driving in the car) as children tend to open up more willingly when in reduced eye contact settings.

I think you just have to model a good example for both your boys from this point (eg not tolerating any homophobic speech, try not to assume anyone's sexuality, express that same sex and opposite sex relationships are equally valid).

It would also be good to have a quiet word with your older ds to reiterate that he can fancy boys or girls and it will be fine.

Also once things calm down a word with your younger boy about things we say that can badly hurt people (and get you into trouble quite frankly if he says these things at school).

10 is very young. If he is gay at least he knows he has a safe parent in you! If he’s not, he knows being gay is no big deal and will treat others accordingly.. Your younger son will have seen this too, and as long as you keep on making sure both of them know you don’t think people being gay is a bad thing then I think that’s all you can do. You could always just reinforce the idea of supporting each other as family, whether that’s to do with being gay or not. I guess brothers will be brothers though, and some piss-taking is probably inevitable!

I sort of knew I was gay when I was about 11ish, but didn’t verbalise anything or get to grips the fact until I was about 20. I know kids today(!) are ahead of the game by comparison, but don’t be surprised if there’s some internal conflict and confusion for him as he grows up! I wouldn’t ask him about it unless it’s prompted by him. I remember the feeling of total panic when you’re not ready for that conversation.

Good luck - I think he’s a lucky boy to have you!

Thank you!
he’s just a very sensitive soul & if he is going through something I want to be there for him.
he used to LOVE the colour pink! I mean to the point that it’s all he would wear or use (pink plate at dinner etc) Then his dad started the ‘pinks for girls’ nonsence & it’s taken him a good 5years to then put pink things back on his Christmas list.
I just don’t want him to bury this like he has before. But at the same time I don’t want him to be pressured into thinking he feels one way if he is a bit confused by it all.

we were in the car when the initial convo took place so I just sort of announced jokingly ‘I don’t care if you have a girlfriend boyfriend husband wife or anything in between, but I would like a grand baby at somepoint’ & he seemed to have a lot of questions about how he would give me a grand baby if he did have a boyfriend, I sort of explained there was many options & just said that babies were miles off anyways so we could come back to that another day.
i know it may seem like pressure, but it wasn’t meant that way it was meant to just get us out of an awkward convo with his brother & add a bit of fun, my 8yo is still very much at the stage we’re love is gross, kissing weird & all that other stuff so it put him off winding his brother up a bit

OP it looks like you have handled it really well! Can’t be an easy situation and also by making a joke you’ve managed to educate him about that fact he can still have children regardless of if he is gay or not.

A similar situation happened when my brother was little and although he came out as gay when he was late teens he’s still adamant he will have children as he’s always known it’s still an option for him.

It's probably a good idea to talk to both of your sons. They're both still young, and calling people gay in the playground is still commonplace and it won't change overnight, unfortunately. Maybe you could watch a movie with queer couples in, or introduce them to queer children's entertainers and show them that queer culture is something completely normal. Your eldest has likely not figured everything out yet- he's only ten.