Dd going out with sex change girl

[Pinkypong]

I’m sure I’m being over protective blah blah but dd (17) met a girl whose been taking testosterone since she was 15 ( now 17) and is now going out with her/him( I’ll call them x) and spending way to much time with x so that me and Dh are concerned about her schoolwork. She’s also saying stuff like she doesn’t need exams, there’s other ways to a job. Obviously there are, but she did want to apply to college.
x seems nice enough, but it’s very disconcerting to see a soft skinned obviously feminine person with a wispy beard! I’m laughing at my self because I want a good old look and to ask x stuff but I’m guessing that’s not cool. Dd has also mentioned that xs mum hits the bottle hard, and x sometimes does and she may have mentioned x can struggle with her mental health.
My concerns are that x is on a massive journey, dd is totally naive and I think has fallen for the perceived glamour of all of this. She seems totally besotted.I’m also wondering if dd is getting sucked into xs problems.
I did say that you need to get the balance right between friends and schoolwork, and she mentioned she has trouble saying no to people - she has had trouble with this in the past.
she came home early from school as she was Ill then arranges to see x in the afternoon.
last week she lied about going to Saturday job and had arranged to see x.
she said she thought we’d disapprove. We said the only thing we disapprove of is breaking trust by lying and not having a balance of school and mates.
she is still just wanting to be with x all the time.
she sees x most nights after school - gets in at 6 , Friday afternoon, Friday night, work Saturday, see x Saturday night sleepover, come back late Sunday. She tells me they study together, hmmm. I think that’s a lot of time to be out, or am I wrong?
tips please!

‘sex change girl’

It’s difficult, your Dd is 17 and I image at the age where she may look back in the future and realise you were right about the studying etc but right now I’m not sure there’s much you can do to get through to her, she’s very nearly an adult.

Would you allow sleepovers with a boyfriend? If you wouldn’t then I’m not sure why you should treat this relationship any differently. Relationships at that age can be so all consuming.

I would try and focus on her future and getting her to think about if she wants to go onto university or join and apprenticeship etc. these things are much easier to do at 18 than to go back for later in life.

Thanks pinkplant good advice. I’m not treating it any differently, I don’t think, but I am concerned at the amount of time she spends with x. And I’m as concerned as I would be if she was dating a boy with a difficult journey. My dd wears a binder and wanted to be a boy like a K-pop boy a few years back. I pointed out that very few real boys look like k pop idols. I’m concerned that she’s happy and not putting herself through unnecessary stress.
and yes, I’ll tell her that these things are easier at 18. Thank you, good advice.

fantail so what should I call them?

You're calling your daughter's lover "sex change girl" and you're "laughing at yourself because you want a good old look". Whatever your views on this person's journey, I think that the least you could do is to respect them as a human being, and to show respect towards your daughter too.
You say that your daughter wears a binder and seems to be on her own journey regarding her gender- she may well be looking closely at your reaction to her new lover to gauge your feelings about gender fluidity. Be open and kind to your child.

They haven't changed sex. That's impossible.

Well it seems there’s several issues and your DDs partner is only one of them.

if your dd says there’s more ways to get a good job than exams, sit her down and ask about it. Yes there are, but my advice would change if she’s year 12 or 13. If she’s year 12 and only done one term of college, then perhaps this course isn’t for her - so would she like to start looking for an apprenticeship? Until 18 she needs to be in training of some sort, so if school and college isn’t for her, then an apprenticeship might be best. Treat her as an adult picking their career and help her look.

if she’s year 13, and done all of year 12 on this course, I’d stress how she’s done the bill of the work, most courses will be done by spring, bar the final exams so she has done the hard bit already - just keep the concentration up for a short while - say yes of course there are other ways to get a good career other than exams, but as she’s already done the hard bit, might as well finish this and get those qualifications.

you said she lied about getting a Saturday job so she could see X, perhaps a proper Saturday/weekend job would be good. Get her spending time away from X and college, time with people of a variety of ages and get a real idea about working.

with X I’d be lovely, use the pronoun they prefer, be welcoming. It sounds like X has a lot on their plate.

Thanks octopus I do respect them as a human, and I do think they seem very pleasant, so I’ve no problem on that score. I think it’s natural to be curious, the same as I am about other peoples stories. It’s what makes them them.

For goodness sake, at minimum use the correct pronoun.

*As in their pronoun, not x or whatever you think is right.

I’m laughing at my self because I want a good old look and to ask x stuff but I’m guessing that’s not cool.

Nope, not cool.

Thanks everyone. They use both she and he to refer to themselves, it doesn’t seem fixed.
obviously I’m not that uncool, and I hope I’m welcoming.
Thanks lime cheesecake.you are right, it’s Actually it’s not the gender thing that bothers me, it’s the time dd needs to put into her future and how she now seems to think it doesn’t matter.

Perhaps you need to speak to Morehousework as you both seem to have exactly the same story down to the alcoholic parent and wanting to gawp at the girl. Thread is about 2 down from yours.

You say it's not the gender thing that bothers you, but you've titled your post "sex change girl" and said you want a "good old look". I'm not trying to be hostile, but I think you need to take an honest look at your own values and perspective here, and see if you can challenge any of your ways of thinking. People who genuinely don't have an issue with someone's gender identity don't title a post that's apparently about schoolwork problems "sex change girl" and mention being disconcerted about someone's facial hair.

Stick to the schoolwork stuff, have the conversations with your DD that have already been recommended, and do some honest self evaluation. I really don't mean to be hostile, as I said, but your language is at odds with your assertion that you're accepting and not bothered about this person's gender.

I honestly think they're trolling. Read the other thread seems to be posted to get screenshots.

Incredibly sad that the younger generation of lesbians has to play as a heterosexual couple in order to be accepted

Our acceptance as lesbians lasted all of about five years. I'm sad for the younger generation.

Pronouns are in the eye of the beholder. Use whichever are comfortable for you.

I'd agree to oversee this relationship with caution because social contagion is huge for teenaged girls.

Would you allow sleepovers with a boyfriend? If you wouldn’t then I’m not sure why you should treat this relationship any differently. Relationships at that age can be so all consuming.

Would you allow this all consuming relationship with a boyfriend with mental health problems and an alcoholic mother sucking her into his life to the exclusion of all else?

I agree.

And it seems like OPs daughter is also unhappy with her female body and using breast binders.

How awful that girls are rejecting womanhood this way.

OP I wouldn't be comfortable with this either, not because your daughter is in a lesbian relationship but the mental health issues alone would worry me whether this was a boy or a girl. I would also worried that your daughter will be influenced to further damage her body.