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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Non-binary/Pan Teen - advice please

24 replies

Wavingtheflag · 06/10/2022 11:57

Hi there

My almost 18 year old DS told me yesterday he/they are non-binary/pan.

There have been plenty of indicators along the way so this isn't so much of a big surprise as such - attended pride, changed pronouns on social media, and a few other things that have been huge hints that made me think maybe he is bi or gay perhaps.

I'm pleased he felt finally able to tell me and I'm cool with this. I told him i love him unconditionally - he has a lovely, caring personality, is bright, intelligent, funny, talented.

I just want him to be free and comfortable to be himself but he's not ready to tell the wider family yet. Of course I'll respect this.

How else can I support him.

OP posts:
Emanresu9 · 06/10/2022 12:04

We are all non-binary. It's a sliding scale. I doubt there is a person alive who follows every single absolute stereotype about their sex.

For example I'm female but yesterday had a kick around with the football with my son. So there you go, non binary.

I don't think your son needs much more support than you've already given him. He's hardly a persecuted minority. And if you say he attended pride, has changed his social media pronouns and dropped other hints I don't think it will stay secret from the wider family for much longer.

TheFamilyDog · 07/10/2022 23:06

But seriously, to tell them what? You could totally tell anyone, and there would be a slight pause, and then they would go back to usual conversation.

PrincessButtercupToo · 07/10/2022 23:08

You can tell him that everyone is non-binary, so he shouldn’t worry about being just like everyone else.

N4ish · 07/10/2022 23:09

Why do you need to do anything more than what you’ve already done? Every second teen I know claims to be non binary at the moment, most people won’t blink an eye if you tell them.

TheArtfulStodger · 07/10/2022 23:13

I'm a non binary, pansexual 40 year old. Honestly, I'm good with people knowing, then going about things as usual. Best thing you can do for your teen is to ask of there's anything specific which would help, but otherwise just carry on. It doesn't change anything, just as you knowing your sexuality or identity doesn't change your day to day.

Inamuddle36 · 13/10/2022 10:42

Could someone please explain what it means to be non-binary and/or pan sexual? Does it mean one doesn’t “identify” as male or female and one is potentially attracted to all people, regardless of gender? How is “pan sexual” different from “bisexual”? Does the former imply an awareness of more than two genders and the latter refers specifically to male/female?

Hilarymantelspencilsharpener · 13/10/2022 10:48

I think pan sexual means you will be open to sex with any gender. So yup, exactly the same as bi-sexual Grin. Only specialler.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/10/2022 10:49

He doesn't need to tell anyone he's bisexual if he doesn't want to. Unless he starts dating a man, it's not something that needs to come up unless he feels the need to say it.
regarding the gender stuff, treat that like the teenage fad that it is and don't make a big deal of it. No need to 'come out' with new pronouns! he'll grow out of that soon enough

Numbat2022 · 13/10/2022 10:55

I'm not sure this is as big a deal as you think it is. A lot of teenagers experiment with their sexuality, and it's even more common now as their generation are so much more open about it. If it turns out that this is part of his journey to being gay, then that's fine too - again, no big deal nowadays.

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 10:57

Hilarymantelspencilsharpener · 13/10/2022 10:48

I think pan sexual means you will be open to sex with any gender. So yup, exactly the same as bi-sexual Grin. Only specialler.

I’ve a friend who describes herself as pan-gender. She’s an absolutely stunning lady in her twenties, and from what I can tell she just means that she’ll happily have sex with anyone of either sex who shows an interest in her. She seems very happy, and all the exercise is keeping her in great shape.

PorkPieAndAPickledOnion · 13/10/2022 11:10

I’m always confused by people who conflate gender identity with sexuality. They are two quite different things. It’s quite possible - and all my gay and lesbian friends have managed this perfectly well for 50+ years - to know you’re male or female but also be same-sex attracted or bisexual. The way that the T has been casually added to the LGB grouping worries me, because it ties sexuality to gender identity in a way which doesn’t reflect real life, and means that lesbians and gay men who don’t subscribe to gender theory are being marginalised among a group which should be there to provide them with support.

As a parent, OP, you could separate these things out. It’s fine to be bisexual, or pansexual if you like, without having to also enter into the world of gender theory. I think more parents could be supportive of their gay, lesbian and bisexual children’s innate sexuality, which might in turn help those children to see that they don’t need to see their sexuality as somehow a function of their gender identity.

InfiniteMonkies · 13/10/2022 21:55

Yes it's bisexual in old money

ChaseDreams · 13/10/2022 22:01

Surely a seventeen year old in 2022 would need to tell their parents and wider family that they are heterosexual and identify with their biological sex.

That would be the more unusual situation.

"I am male and it's women that I find attractive. Please call me he/him."

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 06/11/2022 12:04

Hilarymantelspencilsharpener · 13/10/2022 10:48

I think pan sexual means you will be open to sex with any gender. So yup, exactly the same as bi-sexual Grin. Only specialler.

which may or may not mean people of both sexes, tell him having boundaries is ok. Perhaps very gently try to figure out what he actually means by this
n.b. pansexual can mean - I am an amab nb who is attracted to: afab girls, afab nbs & afab transmen. Worth mentioning that what sex someone is is important knowledge in regards to conversations about safe sex and contraception.

Obs. it's also totally cool if means that he's attracted to amab people of various of gender (or as dinosaurs might think men of various of dress and personality)

It just might be good to find out

Inamuddle36 · 17/11/2022 10:33

what do “amab” and “afab” mean?

Jingerlo · 21/11/2022 09:10

Sounds like you listened and now you know and that's enough I'd have thought. I'd just be prepared to talk if I thought they were having relationship troubles and try not to be 'on their case' about it. They're navigating their world and unless it causes them any heartache or confusion or they start 'hating' on their bodies, I'd just leave them be.

I planned to tell my DC that I was also non-binary if either of them told me this. I could totally think of myself in that way.

I'd tell them that they could still call me Mum and use she/her pronouns because I appreciate it would be difficult for them to use different ones after knowing me as she/her all their lives. I would also say that I honestly don't mind if other people use she/her too as pronouns aren't a big issue for me personally. I'd explain that my sense of being non-binary is an intellectual and personally-held concept that requires no external validation but just gives me a framework within which I can explain my own gender non-conformity.

As far as their sexuality is concerned, if they had said they were pansexual, I could also admit that I believe I might be too. My own 'settled' life means I have no opportunity to 'prove' my sexuality to anyone these days. There absolutely should be no pressure to practise or demonstrate what you 'are' to everyone else. I would discuss how I actually might describe myself as pansexual even though I've only had 3 serious relationships, all with men and am happily ensconced with their father and have been for over 20 years with no plans to express my sexuality with anyone else, whatever their gender/sex - but that doesn't make me any less pansexual.

If they queried any of this, or said 'why don't you 'declare' your non-binary-ness' or dress/present any differently, I'd just say 'I don't owe you androgyny' and that my mere existence is a living example of non-binary-ness because that's what I am. I'd say that I also fully accept that my sex is 'female' and that I don't need to deny that in order to believe I am non-binary.

Obviously if they came out as 'gay' or 'lesbian' or 'bisexual' we'd just bump along as normal and I'd just be my usual nosey self whenever they demonstrated any 'mentionitis'. And I'd give them the same boring lectures on respect, not putting up with any bullshit and safe sex.

But both my teens seem to be carving quite heteronormative lives (at the moment, although I'm not grilling them on their love lives!) even though both of them don't conform to rigid gender stereotypes.

My hope is that this would help them understand that your sense of who you are is an intensely personal thing that doesn't collapse if other people don't 'buy into it'. I think good mental health is potentially put at risk if you constantly seek external validation for your personally held beliefs.

Best of luck. All we want is for our kids to be happy. I think it's complicated out there at the moment. The biggest gift I'd like to give my kids is a sense that life is one long voyage of discovery. Don't fixate on 'being' one thing or 'identity'. Concentrate on developing your talents, skills and understanding - constantly.

Inamuddle36 · 21/11/2022 14:05

jingerlo — you have summarised my own ideas very well. Not sure I would be able to articulate them to a teen.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 21/11/2022 17:06

amab = assigned male at birth , or men under the old/standard terminology.
afab = assigned female at birth, or women under the old/standard terminology.

My point was that when people change the meaning of the words it can lead to misunderstandings about what they mean.

Not everyone who is pansexual in the new system would have been classified as bisexual under the older/ standard system.

Like Jinglelo the aim I would suggest is to reinforce that they are fine just as they are and neither their personality or their body needs fixing or hiding and they don't have to prove themselves to anyone.

MilkToastHoney · 21/11/2022 19:36

What does ‘assigned’ male/female at birth mean?

Surely the sex of the baby is biologically either male or female as seen when baby is born?

Assignment is when something is allocated. Sex of a baby can’t be allocated , can it? It’s not like the midwife/doctors have a discussion and choose which sex they will allocate an individual baby to. It’s just something that’s witnessed as being biologically factually one or the other.
(Except in very rare intersex cases).

Can someone please explain as I’m genuinely confused?

Hoppinggreen · 21/11/2022 19:38

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 21/11/2022 17:06

amab = assigned male at birth , or men under the old/standard terminology.
afab = assigned female at birth, or women under the old/standard terminology.

My point was that when people change the meaning of the words it can lead to misunderstandings about what they mean.

Not everyone who is pansexual in the new system would have been classified as bisexual under the older/ standard system.

Like Jinglelo the aim I would suggest is to reinforce that they are fine just as they are and neither their personality or their body needs fixing or hiding and they don't have to prove themselves to anyone.

Eh?
whats wrong with men and women?

Gummibär · 21/11/2022 19:53

What does ‘assigned’ male/female at birth mean?

I'm also intrigued about what this might mean....

I assumed that your sex (male/female) is biologically determined from the moment of conception?!

Dontaskdontget · 21/11/2022 21:36

Hilarymantelspencilsharpener · 13/10/2022 10:48

I think pan sexual means you will be open to sex with any gender. So yup, exactly the same as bi-sexual Grin. Only specialler.

I think to be bi-sexual you have to admit that there’s a binary to be ‘bi’ about. So if someone believes that gender/sex is non-binary, they can’t accept bisexual people, so they call it pan instead. Really there is no such thing as LGBQT, it has to be LGB, or LGQT 🤷‍♀️

Anyway OP if you want to support your son, then steer him away from cultish thinking and away from clubs that obsess about sex (particularly clubs that obsess about children and sex), and encourage him to just get on with his life while trying to find a nice loving partner, of whatever sex.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 21/11/2022 21:44

I think it is important to think of wider impact and look out for trouble...

My DS came out the same, DH and I were supportive and like "not a big deal", 6th form college friends nice too.... and then the real world: at work (hospitality) he got called names and bullied for it. He left work. Some issue with other random people too

So both you and him need to be aware that not everyone will be nice about it, and some will feel hostile (masked as bewilderment, Also see some catty replies here about "being more specialler")

So be there for him when that shit happens

Inamuddle36 · 24/11/2022 11:00

HowdoyouOwn: thank you for your helpful perspective. I often think posters gloss over the challenges our children can face.
Best wishes to you and your son. He is fortunate to have supportive parents.

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