DC 13 desperate to take puberty blockers

[SobranieCocktail]

I'm not sure how much backstory to put here, but DC13 (biologically male) has been "gender non-conforming" from a very early age. This was a non-issue for us until late primary school at which point she became aware of transgenderism, and asked for people to use female pronouns. She is now at high school, and is treated to all intents and purposes as female (I should add that DH and I have had serious reservations about this, and have tried to slow down the social transitioning, but our influence feels neglible in comparison to the "affirmative" approach of schools and peers).

DC has brought up the possibility of having puberty blockers a couple of times, and last night it came to a head. I know DC is scared of the changes that puberty will bring, and DH and I want to support her as best as we can, but she literally won't listen to what we have to say, and why we're not going to go down the route of puberty blockers. I am as sure as I can be that the best option for DC is to go through puberty, and to transition when older (if she still wants to, which I think she almost certainly will). However, DC has started to say that she would rather be dead than go through a male puberty, and of course this terrifies me. We have tried to get DC to see a counsellor, but she also refuses this.

Just to add, DC also has ADHD, which is significantly hampering our ability to have a calm and "mature" discussion. It also gives further weight to our reluctance to start puberty blockers, as DC already has a delay in brain maturity (executive function, emotional regulation etc), and from what I understand puberty blockers would further delay/exacerbate this.

I just feel very stuck when I am sure that puberty blockers would cause more damage than help, yet DC is feeling despairing (and possibly suicidal) about going through puberty, and it feels so impossible to discuss it.

It is impossible to discuss, because you are trying to have a mature discussion with an immature person who cannot "see forward" enough or understand your reasons, only understand that you are denying them something they feel is crucial to them. You're all stuck in a loop.

I really don't have an answer, I just wanted to let you know that I can see your predicament. And that I agree with you - delaying puberty will bring more problems than your child can foresee at this time.

I'm so sorry, just didn't want to read and run. Xx

I really feel for you. I would say if still wanted to have them at 18 then they are free to do so. Show child stories of people who have transitioned and then want to transition back but by then have body parts missing. There are so many stories of children transitioning and later regret and many of these blame their parents and clinic for making it easy for them to transition. I had a son with ADHD and he was childlike in his beliefs for years. Make extra sure your child knows puberty blockers won't make him into a girl and that looking like a girl and being a girl are totally different. I wish this was not happening to so many children.

I have no experience but I agree with previous comments that I think you are doing the right thing. Supporting your children is very important and it sounds like that's exactly what you are doing.

At 13/14 I made some very stupid decisions that I'm glad did not have too much importance in my later life. The decisions your having to make will make a difference and I believe waiting until 18 would be the most sensible thing to do.

Good luck and I wish all the best for you and your family x

I have been very blunt with my teenagers about the harm of puberty blockers (brain development, lack of sexual function, sterility etc) and how how cosmetic surgery (for that is after all what we are talking about) does not improve mental health and what kind of complications are associated with it. They know that transpeople are protected under the Equality Act and that I strongly believe no-one should be attacked or be discriminated against because of their gender expression. But, that as a mother, I'd not want any child to rush into life changing surgery on a healthy body because a child has not got the brain capacity or experience and knowledge to make that decision. They think I'm a bit Terfy but accept that it comes from a good place.

It sounds like you are trying to be supportive of your child and you are caught in a bind. I do feel for you. As others have said, please do read The Cass Interim report and the recently released paper from Michael Biggs on PBs. A child is not mature enough to understand the long term impact these drugs may have. There is no robust evidence to support their use.

It must be very frightening that your child is threatening suicide if they don't get their way - does that sound to you like they are in the mental space to make rational decisions on something that will profoundly impact their future self? Please contact Genspect, find a therapist to support your child in a way that is neutral and exploratory.

Children are being taught in schools to fear puberty - an essential biological process - and told they can opt out of the 'wrong' puberty based on the performance of sex stereotypes. They are being told that it's possible to change sex. The people pushing these extreme ideas are ideologically driven and have no interest in child safeguarding. But you do. Sometimes, adults have to take the long view and that might include saying no. Best of luck to you.

Sorry, meant to say I know it's a hard path to follow and you don't want to push away your child. ADHD makes it much harder as well.

Is your DC taking and medication for ADHD and if not, maybe start there. ADHD stimulants can (not always, but can) delay growth and puberty anyway. But more importantly they will help with maturity and suppressing impulsive choices so you can have the discussion again, with hopefully better results.

My 13 yo with ADHD is just starting to understand consequences, so I'd absolutely stick to your guns about no puberty blockers at this stage. You definitely need a few more years of maturity to make that kind of choice

Try to access support for the suicidal thoughts and ideation. That's separate from the gender non conforming issues.

As far as I'm aware there is no data to suggest that any suicide threats would be acted on, and plenty of data to show that gender dysphoria is overwhelmingly overcome by puberty. Given the horrific side effects of blockers and cross-sex hormones, I'd just try and hold firm and do whatever you can to get your child out of this rabbit hole. Whether it's by banning any internet access, getting rid of phones and getting your child to mix in circles that don't support gender ideology - whatever it takes. Then they can do what they wish when they get to 18.

How difficult for you, and how difficult for your poor girl.

I have no idea what I would do, instinctively I would really not want my kids on puberty blockers though

can she access mental health support through GP? Our surgery has a mental health nurse

All I can say is keep talking, especially keep listening, and give lots of love

You say that your child is 13, but functionally younger due to ADHD. There may be other co-morbidities at play too. It would be logical to assume, therefore, that all of this is coming from outside influence, probably school and internet.
In your position I would be removing my child from both of these outside influences asap.
I speak as a parent who removed my suicidal child from school because they were being bullied and the school was condoning it. I see this as a similar issue.
Get your vulnerable child away from the people who are grooming them.
I am so sorry you are all going through this.
I have heard that there is good support from Safe Schools Alliance and the Bayswater Trust.

This must be very difficult for all of you.
Every time we read about one of these children they are ND, why is this link not talked about more? They are trying to understand why they are “different “ and think that it’s down to “being born in the wrong body” . It’s really not and I hope people realise this before irreversible damage is done

Bayswater is a support group for parents in this position. Might be worth looking up.

What access does your child have to online content about transitioning etc? And can you restrict that? Can you find other positive role models for how your child could grow up - gay men etc if they might fit that.

You are a brilliant parent at last someone realising how damaging this puberty blocker thing is, you are supporting your child as well, there’s too much ‘oh let them have it’ they do then regret, detransitioning stories are all coming out now.

Just say no. You’re the adult. Your child is…a child. At 13, children may ask to learn a new instrument / join a karate club / change schools etc; the parents do what they can, buy the new gear, organise things for the child to change his or her mind a couple of weeks later. Annoying and a waste of time and money but hey, kids are fickle so we parents just grit our teeth and accept it. No harm done.

You can’t do this with PBs. They’re irreversible.
Damage done, for ever.

You know puberty blockers are not right at this time. Trust your gut and your life- knowledge of DC.

You have to be the adults in charge and just say no. We won't consent. Nor will we be persuaded by suicide threats. Suicide threats underline that you are not in the right frame of mind to make rational choices.

When you are adult, IF you still feel the same, we will do every thing possible to support your informed adult choices and decisions about hormones, surgery, legal changes. But you're not ready for that yet.

Right now, we're the adults who make the decisions and take all responsibility for them.

Now lets address what else we can all do in the next few years to help you become a very strong, grounded adult.

It is perfectly sane for a 13 year old to want to stop puberty in its tracks. Who could blame them?!

But the risks just do not seem worth it. Social transition is a bigger deal than many think, and to realise that you are about to go through male puberty after presenting as female for years must be daunting, and a reminder that it's been an identity, not a reality.

You could try showing your child the stories of detransitioners, who speak out against the medicalisation of children, or the testimonies of 'experts' from Mermaids in the recent court case who admitted to not having read the Cass report into the Tavi, and kept saying 'I am not an expert' in their testimonies, but are still the ones promoting medical intervention.

It might sound drastic, but you might want to consider taking your child out of school for a while, even go away for a couple of months if that's possible, and allow him time away from the people who are affirming, and allow him to grow into his own body.

Luckily if you're in the UK, post Cass review, no-one on the NHS will prescribe and you presumably won't be paying for private. Agree I would show your child the detransitioner videos and discuss the permanence of the effects of puberty blockade on things like height. But realistically they won't get them however much they ask.

Your poor dc and poor you.

Either gender is about how people feel or it is related to people's sexed body. If it is about the feels, it does not and should not matter what anyone's body looks like and there is no reason for taking puberty blockers, breast binding. If it is, after all about physical reality (a reality that is attempted to be simulated via the PB route) then surely it's obvious males can never become female and VV.

My ASD Dd, 15, has been asking too. I have told her: 'No' as medics do not yet understand long term consequences of such drugs, so we can speak about it again age 18 if she still feels the same. For her though it is a much more recent interest. She is selectively mute & is only able to partially attend mainstream school (another story...) with a (large) plush toy each day. School have been encouraging her imo but there is NO WAY she is able to make such a huge decision right now.

@papassport123 is that the case in Scotland too please, post CASS review? (its fairly bonkers up here...)

I don't know but I'd be kicking up all sorts of hell and asking lots of difficult questions if puberty blockers were recommended anywhere in the UK after Cass.

Your DC us going to be an adult a lot longer than a child. Long term, any transition will have to be made from a body having gone through puberty so she will have to get there in order to have it as a springboard.

Frame it as there are no options. The suicide ideation will regress once the new reality dawns hopefully.

Thank you for your messages. It's strange seeing people reply with the sort on info / advice that I would be giving to someone in this situation, but it just feels so bloody hard to be living the reality of it. I'm pretty clued up about the Cass review, Michael Biggs paper etc, and I'm actually a psychotherapist myself. I feel like I should have a better handle on parenting a "trans" kid, but that kernel of doubt around suicidal ideation is my Achilles heel.

In answer to a couple of questions, we're in Scotland (so up against the well-meaning but woefully short-sighted ideology of unquestioning affirmation), and yes DC is on ADHD meds (although only for the last 5 months or so, and still in a titration process).

Taking DC out of school isn't really an option as both DH and I work outside of the home (and can't afford not to work), plus "home learning" during covid was an absolute horror show... I really think it would cause more mental health problems (in DC and me!) than we're already contending with.

One thing I've been considering is that the waiting list for an initial appt with the Sandyford gender clinic is at least 3 years long at the moment, and it seems like the protocols for caring for gender dysphoria are changing. If we registered now for an appointment, would this give DC a sense of hope, but for it to be far away enough that a) she will have well and truly started puberty, and b) there would hopefully be a more measured approach to treatment by the time we get an appointment?

A couple of comments stood out for me:

to realise that you are about to go through male puberty after presenting as female for years must be daunting, and a reminder that it's been an identity, not a reality.

and

The suicide ideation will regress once the new reality dawns hopefully.

These comments really connect with my frustration/anger with the way reality is glossed over by well-meaning people (teachers, friends etc). I'm sure that DC is feeling extra desperate at the moment as she's been allowed to avoid "reality" for the last couple of years.

Do you mind me asking why you feel it is very likely that DC will still want to transition when older?

And also, do you have a sense if they might be gay?

And do they have many interests and hobbies/sports or are there any you could help them get more into? Becoming comfortable with the body they've got through exercise could help?

And do you have pets? Random question I know but acceptance just as you are from animals is a lovely thing in the teen stages where nobody understands you...