Daughter younger than her girlfriend

[Katmumofdaughters]

Hi,

my 15 year old daughter recently came out to me. To be honest I’m really happy for her. She’s slightly autistic and her girlfriend is someone she’s been best friends with for a long time. Her friend will nurture and protect her I feel.

Sleepovers happen a fair bit and the girl stays in my daughters room on a folding bed, however now I realise they may be sharing a bed.

Her girlfriend is a little older, she’s 16 and while my daughter will be 16 in a few months I’m suddenly worried that there might be an age of consent issue, even though it’s only months.

Im not sure how physical they are and that’s none of my business, however I’m worried her friend is committing an offence and could end up with a nasty record.

is this something to worry about, should I talk to the girls and ask them not to be physical right now, or is that as futile as herding cats?

Im just scared her lovely friend who brings my daughter joy could end up in trouble, and I could perhaps be in trouble for allowing it under my roof.

any advice greatly appreciated.

Kat

If both partners (of whatever sex) are consenting, close in age and close to 16 it is highly unlikely that anyone will get in trouble.

If the relationship is unbalanced in some way, then it could be argued that one party is taking advantage of the other. Typical things that lead to this imbalance of power are special needs, a large age gap, a position of authority (teacher/scout leader/community leader etc).

Thank you for replying. That puts my mind at rest and stops me rushing in to perhaps cause problems where they didn’t exist before.

You mention special needs and while my girl is mildly autistic I don’t see it that she’s being taken advantage of in anyway.

thank you.

Aside for legal questions: If your daughter had a 16 year old boyfriend, rather than girlfriend, would you be happy for them to share a bed?

Yes that’s the question I keep asking myself about the boy and of course the answers no. But… sleep overs have been happening since they were early teens.

I feel that if I stop it now I’ll be making it a huge thing.

I don’t feel I want to stop it, but then does that mean I’m weak, soft, or allowing something inappropriate.

She's very nearly sixteen. Far better to accept her girlfriend sleeping over than try to stop what's already been allowed. Likely that will mean they end up having their physical relationship in a less safe place than your home which will benefit no one. Although teen pregnancy isn't a risk, a conversation around consent and sti is still worthwhile though.

I know it is very difficult and agree you wouldn’t want a child to go somewhere unsafe to do what she isn’t allowed to do at home — but that argument could be extended to all sorts of behaviour. Would you let your daughter smoke at home because it is safer than elsewhere? Use drugs?
my son had a very close female friend from early childhood. They shared rooms often on family holidays. Once they reached puberty, we parents (both sets) stopped arranging shared rooms. As it turned out, they remain good friends but are not romantically attracted to each other so we didn’t have to face the same question OP is facing — but if they had been, I am sure her parents and we would have discouraged “sleepovers” until …. Not sure exactly when, but certainly older than 16.
In your case, OP, it sounds like your daughter might be somewhat emotionally vulnerable. Perhaps you could say that it is lovely she has a girlfriend and you like xxx very much but that, while they explore what it means to “date” as opposed to just being friends, they should see each other during waking hours but not have sleepovers. (I thought sleepovers ended my mid-teens?)

Not stopping it now means a lovely relationship gets to blossom safely. Whatever they are doing they are doing anyway. No reason legally to be worried, no other reason anyway. If you stopped it why would you? All I can see it would achieve is hurt and separation of you from your daughter.