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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Original poster

Repairing Broken Relationships

21 replies

AnxiousWombat · 12/08/2022 12:44

My DS (20, 3rd year of university) is gay and I needed to get some things off my chest and see if I could repair our broken bond.

When he was around 13, my DS was heavily bullied at school for being gay (he was outed at school) to the point of him regularly self-harming and being strongly suicidal, and this carried on regularly until he was around 16.

I found out that he was gay accidentally when he was around 14/15 (I found some things that really suggested that he was, and then I pressured him to tell me), and due to my culture and upbringing I was really against it. Shamefully, I even told him that he couldn't tell his younger sister nor his father because if the news spread in our community then his sister might not be able to get married later on. I know that I even said some things like that he would go to hell and that being gay is disgusting and that his life would be miserable and full of disease if he had sex with another man.

When he was 16, I guess the pressure got to him too much and he told a teacher at school about everything that was happening both at home and at school (right after exam season) because he was about to commit suicide. The school kind of dealt with the people who were bullying him, and me and DH got called in about this too because DS was at a high risk of committing suicide. This is when DH found out that DS was gay, and he was really angry about this, but also about the abuse that DS faced at school, and he told DS that he was too young to know and that he would find a girl soon.

It pains me to say this, but I didn't take this well at all. Instead of supporting DS, I got really angry and upset with him because social security became involved and came to my work and home for questioning. I also made DS downplay what was happening at home, which makes me feel horrible now.

Ever since then, DS moved schools and is now at university and is thriving. Because of everything in the past, I don't have a strong relationship at all with him (he hardly has a relationship with DH because he is very verbally abusive and is extremely narcissistic), and truth be told I still don't like him being gay and don't accept this (we never talk about his sexuality/dating life, and in front of family and friends I always say in front of him that he is interested in girls).

Now I want to try and repair our bond but I don't know how to and I am unsure how I can accept him as being gay and be openly supportive about this. I still can't view him as that and I know that he can get really stressed and has bad mental health because of this trauma that he has went through with us and school.

How can I help understand him and repair our relationship?

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 12/08/2022 13:03

Your attitude to him being gay is awful.
What is so bad about him liking men instead of women? It is not something he chose but is the way he was born.

He is still your son so you should be supportive whatever his sexual preferences are

windowtothesoul · 12/08/2022 13:07

I am a lesbian, married with a toddler and a baby on the way. I come from a highly religious background and have experienced homophobia from family members throughout my adult life. There is no way for me to have a repaired relationship with family members while they still have an issue with me being gay. It's who I am to my core, I am 100% content and at peace with the path my life has taken. It is incompatible to me to maintain a relationship with anyone who wants to take away from that or question my decisions about how I live my life. I protect my child from that as I find it dangerous for them to be around people who can't fully accept their family set up. Peoples views of me that my life is wrong are like shackles around my feet and to stay in contact with those people weighs me down. I have chosen to take those shackles off, lose contact with those people and quite literally live happily ever after. There is nothing good they can offer me which outweighs the bad they bring to my life by harbouring negative views towards me.

I don't think the question here is whether you can find a way to repair a relationship with your son, but is a question of whether he is prepared to keep people in his life who don't fully accept him.

MessyBunPersonified · 12/08/2022 13:08

You can't repair it, because you aren't sorry for what you did to him, you're only sorry about how it's made you look and feel.

You still lie, and want him to lie to protect you, you are still with a man who abuses him, you don't accept him and find it shameful that he is attracted to men.

How do you think this will play out?

He's currently thriving at uni, you want to intrude into his life when he is LC with you, tell him about how you felt about his trauma, tell him you want to repair the relationship, but only on the condition that you and he lie about a massive part of his life.

What do you think will happen when he gets a serious partner? You're going to make him choose.

Your son has made it through years of abuse and trauma and is currently in good place. The best thing you can do is either leave him alone, or wholeheartedly accept him, apologise, and listen to him, given your post I suggest the former, because you aren't sorry.

I am the parent of a teen who's homophobic father caused her multiple issues, and she is still getting through it, the best thing she ever did was cut him off for good, and that was after years of her being LC then him popping up, upsetting her and putting her right back at square one again.

Sandysandwich · 12/08/2022 13:20

I don't think you get to repair the bond.
You can try and be happy for him, that he got away from your house to be somewhere he is safe and happy- and be very grateful that he speaks to you at all.

hyperbyke · 12/08/2022 13:25

It's up to him whether he wants to have a relationship with you or not.

After everything you've put him through, and if you're still denying his sexuality then I wouldn't blame him if he never speaks to you again.

CountessOfSponheim · 12/08/2022 13:49

You can't repair your relationship with him while you are still unable to accept him for who he is. It's a bit of a toss-up whether you can repair it once you get to a position where you can support him properly, but that at least might be possible.

You might find some suitable parents' groups to help you work through your attitudes with others from a similar community background via [[www.fflag.org.uk/portfolio-item/religion-belief/
FLAAG]] (I've linked their to their page to groups based around particular faith traditions because I got a sense that your concerns may be partly focused on religion). There will be other parents who've started from the position you're currently in.

If you reach a point where you think you can properly support your son, then apologise properly for not being there when he needed you. While you're still not there in the ways that matter it would be a hollow apology.

CountessOfSponheim · 12/08/2022 13:50

That link didn't work and I managed to spell FFLAG wrongly even though it's only five letters. Take two: FFLAG

Elsiebear90 · 12/08/2022 13:55

You can’t have it both ways, you can’t expect a close relationship with someone you’ve treated appallingly and still don’t accept and treat well.

In all likelihood you’ve permanently damaged your relationship with him, even if you did a complete 180 on you opinions about him being gay your relationship will never be what you want it to be because the damage is done.

My mum reacted badly when I came out to the point where I felt uncomfortable and moved out of the family home (she was no where near as bad as you though) and although she’s since apologised and is very accepting now it has permanently damaged our relationship somewhat.

It’s extremely distressing to realise you are not accepted and loved for who you are by your own mum, especially in a time when you needed her love and support the most.

Simonjt · 12/08/2022 14:08

Now I want to try and repair our bond but I don't know how

Stop being homophobic, being homophobic is a choice.

BusterSword · 12/08/2022 14:10

we never talk about his sexuality/dating life, and in front of family and friends I always say in front of him that he is interested in girls

If you want to repair your relationship then not doing this would be a start.

What gets me is that when you first found out your DS was suicidal you didn't reconsider your words and actions, you doubled down on the abuse. Because yes what you've been doing to him is abuse.

I hope he has a full and happy life without you.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 17/08/2022 20:52

Well I applaud the fact that you want to repair the relationship to a certain extent but I suppose the question I would ask is why? You don't need to answer me (of course) but you should try to answer it yourself. I am older and it wasn't so unusual when I was at University that young gay men wouldn't be out to their parents. Instead they would just quietly drift apart as they shared less and less of their lives. Parents were often desperately sad and very confused by this and had no idea why it had happened.

Does your son want a relationship with you? What would that look like? What could you offer him going forward? Would that friendship / love / support be offered conditionally or unconditionally? What (if anything) would you be prepared to risk to stand up for him?

drbuzzaro · 17/08/2022 21:00

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 17/08/2022 20:52

this is a reverse...

LookingOverHereAllNight · 17/08/2022 21:09

Your poor son. Leave him alone unless you are willing to completely change your awful views and attitudes. He’s managing to thrive at university despite having parents like you and everything he’s been through. How can you have behaved this way, he’s your son. I actually felt tearful and angry when reading your post. I can only imagine how low he has felt over the years.

waltershite22 · 17/08/2022 21:21

The best thing you could possibly do for him is stay out of his life.

SpinCityBlues · 17/08/2022 21:26

You can't heal what's smashed to pieces while still holding the hammer behind your back.

BiscuitLover3678 · 17/08/2022 21:27

You need to think and seriously think about your issue with him being gay. Educate yourself because I don’t know what cultural background you are from and I know some have more issues with it, but even in those cultures there are people who see it as ok. A lot of the prejudice and fear of being gay comes from the British empire and old interpretations of religion. The same interpretations that allowed children to get married.

So I really think you needed to work on that. And more than anything, please please tell him that you love him.

1982mommaof4 · 17/08/2022 23:11

You will never repair this bond until you accept your son... your attitude to your son disgusts me and you should be ashamed

Daisy03 · 17/08/2022 23:44

It's not a question of whether you'll accept him for being gay, it's a question of whether he'll accept you for being a bigoted parent that cares more about what people think than love for their own child.
You are disgusting.

motheroftheyear95 · 17/08/2022 23:51

You truly are a vile woman and your DH sounds equally vile. I wish your son the best in life he deserves all the happiness in the world

drbuzzaro · 18/08/2022 11:34

it is the son posting

Daisy03 · 18/08/2022 13:04

If it is the son posting and this is a reverse, please post with what you'd like to happen and if you need any advice and you'll get plenty of people to help.
It's a horrible situation and you don't deserve it.

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