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This board exists primarily for parents of LGBT children to swap support and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be supportive.

Not sure what’s going on
6

Barryallen · 05/06/2022 14:13

Hi,
I have posted on here before about DD17. I am just still confused about what is going on and wondered if anyone could add their perspective.
I should preface by saying I 100% support her and always tell her she’s awesome and looks great.
The past year has seen dramatic changes in her appearance- I discovered she was wearing a binder (a friend ordered it for her) and she only wears male clothing. She cut her hair short (although still dyed blonde it’s definitely a ‘flow’ cut so very male when she wears a baseball hat which is most of the time)
We found out from a brief discussion that she feels she is bi but honestly as she presents right now she isn’t going to be dating boys any time soon.
She seems a lot happier than a year ago but we are worried that she is putting on a front and maybe has trapped herself (not sure if that’s the right word?) into presenting this way because she is so confident and puts herself out there? Hard to explain.
She has lots of friends and a good social life but they are all straight girls who are now all mostly dating so she is often the third wheel at events and when pictures are taken she stands out a lot- I guess I’m worried that she isn’t truly happy and part of it all although she seems to be accepted by all so no bullying involved that I have ever heard of.
She has a year to go before she goes to Uni so I’m assuming she’ll carry on like this until she goes there and finds more of a ‘tribe’
There is a part of me also that is scared that once she turns 18 she’ll want to start to physically transition into male (which is how she presents right now- she often gets mistaken for a boy which doesn’t seem to bother her) We currently live outside the UK so heathcare is expensive and although she legally will be an adult she wouldn’t be able to afford to pay for treatment/surgery easily without our financial support. It may be an unpopular opinion here but I wouldn’t want her to start any physical permanent changes until she is well into her 20s and knows who she is more- I know at 18 I thought I knew everything but even 5 years later I was so different!
We have taken a ‘watchful waiting’ supportive approach so far. I guess my question is if anyone else experienced this?
As far as I’m concerned women can dress anyway they want and have short hair! But she is definitely going out of her way to present as male rather than just a tomboy if that makes sense- coupled with the binder it suggests she wants people to see her a male. But so far still uses a female name and pronouns (and with friends also)
Thoughts?

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Iambecomethequeen · 07/06/2022 17:03

So let me get this straight... your daughter is happier and more confident, has a nice and relatively untroubled social life and you're worried she's NOT happy? Why????
Also, if her social circle is accepting and she is confident, why would she be "trapped" in a clothing choice? Do you think she views her boy pants as a magic charm for confidence?

You and I have no idea whether she wants to transition. That said... waiting for your 20's is not a neutral choice by any means. Your body grows until 25, so 7 years of difference could be huge.
Your mention of "thinking you knew everything at 20" is incredibly misguided. People who are confident in their gender identity (enough to ask for medical procedures) after 18 are very confident. The rate of regret is absurdly low compared to any other "cosmetic" surgery, and most detransitioners are pressured by society.
You're free to use your money as you wish, just remember that your child would remember that choice forever.

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Zerogravity · 07/06/2022 17:09

What does she say about it? Have you talked about the binder? It sounds like she was trying to hide it from you. Is she aware of the risks?

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Barryallen · 07/06/2022 23:57

We did chat briefly about the binder after I’d researched them and she knew the risks. She seems to only wear it when she’s dressing up for something- not day to day (that I can tell)
As For the previous comments about using our money as we see fit- we don’t have unlimited cash and because we live in the US medical costs are astronomic, even with good insurance. No NHS to pay for anything, drug costs are astronomic and surgery is just stupid money.
We are currently planning to pay for her college (which would be pursuing a passion she has as a degree/career) and that will be a massive cost/commitment- I’m talking over $100k over 4 years so she doesn’t have student loans for the rest of her life.
So choices have to be made- and I won’t apologize for a watchful waiting approach because I truly feel that having gone through puberty already, the difference between 18 and 25 physically is minimal- mentally it’s huge. She is in therapy and has been for a year so that is helping too.
As I said originally, I have no idea if that is even a possibility as she is still a girl in name and pronouns. I do think she will come out as gay at some point (which is no big deal in our household) so maybe that plays a part in how she is choosing to present right now.
I guess I wanted to know if anyone was going through anything similar.

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minipie · 08/06/2022 00:12

There are plenty on MN who would more than support your desire for her to wait for any physical treatment OP - try the Feminism boards.

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ScrollingLeaves · 08/06/2022 00:31

She has lots of friends and a good social life but they are all straight girls who are now all mostly dating so she is often the third wheel at events and when pictures are taken she stands out a lot- I guess I’m worried that she isn’t truly happy and part of it all although she seems to be accepted by all so no bullying involved that I have ever heard of.


She is in therapy and has been for a year so that is helping too.

as she is still a girl in name and pronouns

pursuing a passion she has as a degree/career

I think these things you have mentioned sound really very positive and your watchful waiting is doing well so far.

You seem to have good communication with her. The more she understands that she can trust her own instincts, keep her own healthy body, and not be swayed by other people’s mantras the better.

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SerenadeOfTheSchoolRun · 17/06/2022 06:55

My younger DD is similar, apart from the binder. I have wondered if she might want to transition and have talked to her about it. She says she is very happy to be a girl and that she is bisexual. I am proud she is so confident to be gender non conforming and express herself how she feels conformable even though that makes her stand out from the crowd.

It is a big positive that our dds have good friends, will talk to us and are not feeling forced to conform - neither to present in a feminine way nor to identify as trans.

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