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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Original poster

How do I broach this with her

15 replies

Bexlily · 31/05/2022 06:54

DD is 11. We have an agreement that I can check her phone at any point. She's not been mentally well for a while now and we've organised a counsellor for her that she goes to every other week.

Over the weekend she had a meltdown, once she'd calmed down we were talking and she mentioned a friend, who's quite new, and how she was worried about her but then started saying that there's something wrong with her (DD) and she's worried about ADHD etc.

Now I don't think she has ADHD, I think she's just struggling with finishing primary school and going up to high school and doesn't know how to deal with her feelings.

Last night I checked her phone to see what her and this girl are saying to each other (she has only known this girl a short time and seems to have changed since meeting her)

A lot of messages had been deleted but there was one with a picture saying that DD has shown me the picture and I'd said it was pretty. The message ended little does she know.

I've done some research and this picture shows you're Bisexual. I am not the least bit bothered if she's Bisexual or anything. As long as she's happy but she's obviously very unhappy at the moment and I'm wondering if this is part of it, if she's confused about her feelings but I don't know if I should just leave her to come to me or if I should talk to her about it.

Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:

ScootsMcHoy · 31/05/2022 07:12

Show me an eleven year old who isn't bisexual in 2022!

In all seriousness, there is very much a trend at the moment of identifying as pretty much anything that isn't heterosexual.

I've got two teenagers and I work in a primary school.

My own dd announced with tele-novela levels of drama that she was bisexual and seemed quite taken aback when we just said 'ok then' and didn't put her out of the house with her belongings on the curb.

Why she thought it would horrify us we don't know. Although I expect she's watched a load of old nonsense on TikTok.

ScootsMcHoy · 31/05/2022 07:16

What I'd do in practical terms is get her out and about a bit, now her SATs have finished.

Take her to a major city for the weekend. Go places, see things, see people who wear and do different things. I think they need to know that there is a bigger world sometimes. If she's interested in anything, run with it.

Foilball · 31/05/2022 07:35

As previous poster said, young people are more likely than older generations to identify as lesbian, gay or bi. (8% of 16 - 24 year olds identify as lesbian gay or bi in recent poll) as people are more free to express this.

This doesn't mean it's a phase for your daughter. You know her best.

As she knows you check her phone, perhaps this is her way of starting a dialogue about how she feels. I wonder if saying something like ' I hope you know I love you and support you no matter who you are attracted to' and offer her the chance to talk with you in more detail later if she wants.

JaninaDuszejko · 31/05/2022 07:43

Don't force her to come out to you, she'll need to sort out her own feelings before she'll want to do that, even if she knows it won't be a big issue for you.

Agree with @ScootsMcHoy that you just need to get her off her phone and have some 1:1 time with her somewhere new. My DDs love a day out with me doing something a bit more grown up.

Rafferty10 · 31/05/2022 07:53

I second the playing it down, my DD piped up , 'mum l think I am bisexual' as we were on the motorway......I said, Oh that's fine, any questions? She said nope, but is that alright?, I said of course its fine, you like who you like and it is entirely up to you.... and so she started talking about something else...
We have lots of frank relationship discussion in the car interspersed with many other subjects, l would talk to her in a light age appropriate way, with humour

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 31/05/2022 08:00

I would focus more on this new friend and their impact on your DD. Is it a real life friend? They sound like possibly an unhealthy influence.

Lollypop701 · 31/05/2022 08:19

Do you speak to the counsellor? If so mentioning it to her might help. I’m in Manchester and it’s very diverse, we used to go shopping and walk around the city… they would ask questions about everyone… why the Jewish people wore skullcaps, why some women wore hijab , why boys held hands it was a great way to discuss and educate them (and me!) on all the wonderful differences in our world. Just keep talking op

motogirl · 31/05/2022 08:34

Op, bi or pan is the trend today - they are all a lot more flexible ... yet of those young people I knew at 13/14/15 experimenting with same sex relationships, all (mid 20's) are now in heterosexual relationships. It really doesn't matter as long as they are happy of course but I wouldn't read anything into it - it's her news to share anyway

Thebeastofsleep · 31/05/2022 08:56

I'd broach it more generally and naturally. Any TV programmes you watch with her? Dr Who has a bit of a bi influence recently. Or discussing it when out and about in town.

I'm bi (and not teenager!) And the pressure to label myself as one thing or another was really strong (and scary and intimidating) at a very young age so I think giving her the "right" to be who she is, without needing to put labels of any description on it is good.

I'm now in a heterosexual marriage, but I'm no less bi than I ever was.

Beamur · 31/05/2022 09:00

Thebeastofsleep · 31/05/2022 08:56

I'd broach it more generally and naturally. Any TV programmes you watch with her? Dr Who has a bit of a bi influence recently. Or discussing it when out and about in town.

I'm now in a heterosexual marriage, but I'm no less bi than I ever was.

This
You absolutely should be talking to her about all issues around sex, gender, sexuality, boundaries, consent etc. Kids are exposed to this through their peers much younger than previous generations.
If you don't have those conversations someone else will.
Don't jump in on this phone conversation, keep it very general.
Take this message as an indicator that you need to be talking with her (and listening).

Helleofabore · 31/05/2022 12:31

I agree with pps. Do not pressure her at all.

It is important to also know that these tweens discuss between them how hard it is to 'come out'. My own tween 'came out' and was very taken aback that it was not an issue at all for us. Nothing actually changed at home.

They also acknowledged it was from their friends that they got the impression it was an issue with parents. They even then realised that never once had we asked them if they had a 'girlfriend' or a 'boyfriend' ever or mentioned to them if they got married whether it would be heterosexual / bisexual or same sex marriage.

They really had built up a huge degree of angst from discussions with their friends and watching similar aged tweens on YouTube.

Having had discussions with other parents, this seems to be a very common thing to label themselves whereas growing up, I was taught to reject any label. But the pressure from their peers is immense today.

If you can get her mental health support, even better.

Helleofabore · 31/05/2022 12:33

You absolutely should be talking to her about all issues around sex, gender, sexuality, boundaries, consent etc.

This is particularly important.

axolotlfloof · 31/05/2022 12:41

I agree, get her away from her phone (and in particular Tik Tok or social media) and out and about.
She is probably presexual and really too young for all this. Encourage her to enjoy real life and childhood rather than obsessing about her identity.

Original poster

Bexlily · 31/05/2022 20:59

Thank you for all of your comments. Some good advice here.

We do talk about different relationships and boundaries etc. She's been to see her couseller tonight, at the moment I go in with her (her choice) and on the way home I asked her if she'd like to speak to them on her own yet as I thought she may be a bit more open without me there but she told me she wouldn't say anything in her sessions that she wouldn't say to me and she feels comfortable to talk to me about things.

I have decided just to see if she comes to me about it.

OP posts:

Helleofabore · 31/05/2022 21:41

Sounds like you are on the right track OP.

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