Found out son is gay

Yamaya · 22/04/2022 12:26

I don't think he has to tell you. Maybe just have a chat about you are always there for him if he wants to talk about anything, and you love him unconditionally etc.

AlisonDonut · 22/04/2022 12:27

Hmm...should you talk to your gay son?

'despite' his sexuality infers that you have an issue with his sexuality.

Dreamingof3 · 22/04/2022 12:28

I can only imagine its hard to feel like your son may think you'd not be accepting of his relationship ❤️

How old is he? Does he live at home etc?

I think that it's best to steer clear of a formal sit down and ask him out right. Maybe you could subtly ask if he'd like to invite 'fred' round for dinner or something. Don't make it a big thing but almost act as though it's assumed they're a couple..I don't know if that makes sense 😅

Working9to5ish · 22/04/2022 12:28

Maybe when you talk to him don't say you love him "despite" his sexuality??

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 22/04/2022 12:28

Don't tell him you love him despite his sexuality.

That makes it sound like it's something you have had to get over in order to love him.

I wouldn't say anything directly to him, I would just make it clear at any given opportunity that you aren't homophobic at all, and that you wouldn't care if he is gay.

Let him come to you when he is ready, he could well still be figuring things out.

SockFluffInTheBath · 22/04/2022 12:30

I’d get him alone and say something like ‘so you and Bob make a lovely couple’ but I’m not good at going round the houses and scheming conversations 😁 my DS is gay btw if it makes any difference.

gingerhills · 22/04/2022 12:31

You don't say how you found out. It's definitely up to him to tell you when he is ready, so I wouldn't let him know. But I would start up some general conversations about sexuality and make clear your view that it is fine to be gay, that being gay is normal etc. And please never say you love him despite him being gay. Would you tell a straight child of yours that you love them despite their heterosexuality? if not, then it's not appropriate language to use and does imply negative prejudice which you say you don't intend.

DS is gay. I had no idea until he told me. But he knew we were fine with it from general chats about life, friends and relations.

What I did say, when I knew, was that he shouldn't feel under any pressure from anyone to be promiscuous (which I'd say to a heterosexual child too) and that imo, sex is best within a happy, loving relationship, rather than one night stands where the emotional needs of the people involved might be mismatched.

Knifer · 22/04/2022 12:34

Well. I wouldn't tell him you love him despite his sexuality, because that implies that it's something you're prepared to overlook. I wouldn't even tell him you've found him out. At the most, I'd ask him, sensitively, if there's something more between him and his friend. He may well deny there is and in that case it could be because he's coming to terms himself with his sexuality and not ready to chat about it. Or he might protect his boyfriend's right to privacy if he isn't "out." He could be perfectly happy with his sexuality but just not ready to have it become a "thing". Lots of people make it a thing. Instead of Liam, they suddenly become the gay one, or Gay Liam. Lots of young gay people are not like those in the past who are here, queer and you'd better get used to it. They're who they are and they don't see why they have to disclose or wear their sexual preference like an identity. Straight people don't. Lots of young gay people don't even feel they need to "come out" like in previous generations. Straight people don't announce they're straight, after all.

Or, he might tell you they're a couple.

No matter what he says, make sure he knows you're always available with love and support for anything in his life.

I know it's a bit of a "woah" moment as a parent. I don't know why, but we do tend to imagine our sons with lovely wives and our daughters with amazing husbands and each with a little brood of kids. Social expectation I imagine. So, shifting to imagine you might one day be attending your son and son in law's wedding can be a head fuck for some. You need to deal with that before you speak to him. Your desire to know his sexuality and have him say it doesn't trump his need for you to be totally cool about it.

Sincerely, mum of two gay teens.

UhtredsLatestPaganHussy · 22/04/2022 12:36

Don't say 'despite your sexuality' as there's an implied disapproval there. Don't say anything actually, let him bring it up when he's ready.

Original poster

J0an76 · 22/04/2022 12:36

Thanks for the messages, “despite” was the wrong word, I just wanted to emphasise that I only care if he’s happy, regardless of who he is attracted to

OP posts:

DeyHuggee · 22/04/2022 12:38

AlisonDonut · 22/04/2022 12:27

Hmm...should you talk to your gay son?

'despite' his sexuality infers that you have an issue with his sexuality.

No it doesn't, it's acknowledging that he might not have said as he's apprehensive about the reaction. There is nothing OP has posted to suggest they have any sort of issue with his sexuality.

Enb76 · 22/04/2022 12:42

I wouldn't say anything, unless you would also say something if you found out he had a girlfriend he hadn't told you about. He will tell you when he's ready - it may be that it's a new relationship or that it's too casual to name as a thing. I rarely told my parents about my boyfriends because I hated the inevitable 'are you still going out with...' or other comments of that ilk. My private life was mine and I didn't talk about it.

SockFluffInTheBath · 22/04/2022 12:42

J0an76 · 22/04/2022 12:36

Thanks for the messages, “despite” was the wrong word, I just wanted to emphasise that I only care if he’s happy, regardless of who he is attracted to

I get you. It’s a minefield. Don’t say his sexuality doesn’t matter either to you because it diminishes how important a part of his identity it is. I did that one 🙄

BingoLittlest · 22/04/2022 12:43

Don’t say anything- it’s for him to decide if and when he comes out to you, not for you to force the issue. But try to ensure that the way you speak about relationships in general in front of him is as inclusive as possible, keep channels of communication open, show him you love him by being his loving mum, so that when he’s ready to talk he knows he can talk to you.

TiptowThroughTheToadstools · 22/04/2022 12:47

Maybe he's just not ready to talk about it.

Original poster

J0an76 · 22/04/2022 22:32

He’s 20, he recently moved out into house share with friends, which I think he is enjoying
Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 23/04/2022 06:29

Coming out can be terrifying because of the huge fear of rejection.

If you've ever said anything that indicates that you wouldn't approve (such as saying you like someone 'despite' their sexuality) he will have been storing those up over the years when deciding whether or not to tell you.

Original poster

J0an76 · 23/04/2022 08:17

In the past I haven’t shown any disapproval about being gay people, as it would have never bothered me if he was gay

OP posts:

thebeespyjamas · 23/04/2022 10:03

J0an76 · 22/04/2022 12:24

Last night I found out my son has been in a relationship with his bestfriend. He does not know I know this
He’s usually been open with me, it bothers because I think he may be under the impression I wouldn’t approve of him being gay, which is just not true
Should I talk to him about it?
Id like him to know that I love him despite of his sexuality

"Id like him to know that I love him despite of his sexuality" - it's this that shows you have an underlying issue with it.

thebeespyjamas · 23/04/2022 10:07

I'm going to come at it from a likely unpopular perspective for you to try to help:

Look, if you do have an underlying issue with it that perhaps your son has picked up on, which I do suspect as do others here, it's okay you know. You can't help feeling a certain way.

But, if you do, there is literally not a thing you can do about it. So, treat it as though he was with a woman. It's not that it doesn't matter, of course it has implications to childbearing and social attitudes, and it's okay to have thoughts about these things.

But, there is nothing you can do about it. The only outcome you could possibly achieve by expressing to him that you view his relationship differently to if he had chosen a female, is to alienate him.

If you don't want to alienate him then unironically give into the fact he is having a relationship with a man. Be pleased for him, genuinely, because it is the path he wants to follow. Just literally don't give a shit because there is no point in giving a shit.

Let it happen. Ask to meet his partner, cook his partner's favourite meal and get to know him as a person as he is probably lovely. Accept him and let him come over and be part of your family.

VeganGod · 23/04/2022 10:22

I think he may be under the impression I wouldn’t approve of him being gay

Why would you think that? If my kids were gay and I found out they were in a relationship but hadn’t told me, I would never think this is the reason they hadn’t told me. I’m very sure they know I’m not homophobic, and as you say you’re not, there’s no reason to jump to the conclusion you have.

He may just not think it’s anything worth talking about at the moment, not serious or any number of things. Did you tell your mum of every relationship you were in? If you’re relationship is good, he’ll tell you when he’s ready if it’s anything worth talking about. It may be casual and he’ll never mention it.

VeganGod · 23/04/2022 10:23

*your

MrMrsJones · 23/04/2022 10:27

Just tell him you recently found out he was in a relationship with his best mate and you are thrilled for him. Give him a hug and invite his partner for tea.

MarriedThreeChildren · 23/04/2022 10:28

Another pov.

my ds isn’t gay. He has a gf. But he still didn’t tell us about her until several months into it. I only guessed because he did a couple of things that were totally unusual for him (like going shopping ).

id look at it as him not telling you about his love life. Which tbh is fine. I don’t think that teens have to share all about their love life to their parents. He will tell you when he is ready for it, when it feels important enough etc….
And then you’ll have the opportunity to tell him ‘great. I’m delighted you are happy’.
Thats it. Nothing else. Nothing more than you would have said if he had told you he has a gf iyswim.