To change pronouns?

[Confusedmum71]

Please go easy on me as this is my first ever post!
DD14 has stated that she in transgender and identifies as male. We have been as supportive as we feel able and have agreed to change of hair and clothes and a binder but nothing medical until the age of 18.
We truly feel this is likely to be a temporary situation but are now being asked to officially change name and pronouns in school.
My research suggests that some don’t think is a good idea as it encourages persistence whilst others think it’s no biggie!!
Help - what do we do? We want our child to feel supported but we don’t want to affirm at this stage.
Has anyone been through this? What did you do?

I think the binder is also a step too far. Even sports bras are not advised for all day wear due to the construction

It's really not none binary if you have to constrict the beasts to achieve the male default shape is it? Although children and logic often don't mix

Being supportive of a lie won't end well

As a child I thought I must be a boy, called myself David etc but never once was that accepted by my parents . They loved me as I was without needing to change a thing about me. That meant I had to come to terms with a female body and learn to handle the idiots and bullies who want all females to fit into a nice gender role to be accepted , the abusers who wanted a piece of that body and didn't care there was a human inside .

The result is a healthier and probably happier adult

Love them as they are not as they think they should be

Binders can damage her body so as the pp said, I would be discouraging that, I certainly wouldn’t be buying them or giving her money if this is what she would use it to buy.

As for officially changing names and pronouns at school, I think it’s harmful, gives a level of confirmation and makes it harder to back out of. Also pointless because you can’t police others language, so many will still call her by her actual name and use sex based pronouns either because she’s female or because that’s what they’re used to.

I think they need to be assertive of their pronouns and name if they want it changed. You changing it in the computer system won't change what their peers call them.

Why on earth would you WANT your child to go through that medical process at 18? Don't you think that countering with a non affirmative therapist might help to make her feel more comfortable with her body?

Don't you remember being a teen and going through puberty? I HATED my boobs. And my periods. I couldn't climb trees any more or play netball as my boobs hurt and I was scared to leak. I absurdly detested the way men/older boys looked at my DD chest and made cringe comments. So much so I had my hair chopped off really short and wore quite baggy clothes. I grew out of out and went on to give birth to 4 kids despite having short hair and hating my body as a teen. If I was going through that same puberty now, I would be signed up for hormone blockers, mastectomy, the lot.

Actually look into the rates of detransitioners and the hideous side effects of the "treatment". Auto immune disease, lack of orgasm, vaginal atrophy, blood clots, infertility. Are you ok with affirming your child knowing that if they persevere they could end up with that (and worse)?

Social transition is difficult to reverse as well. It puts on pressure and expectations to live up to. I'm not sure how you handle it to be honest but agreeing that they are now the opposite sex is not the solution. There are other threads on here with more positive advice

The problem I think with socks transition is that it can never be enough

Your body will still change
People will still see your sex

Sone people will go along with it but many won't be it by accident , because they can't or because it just becomes another way to bully

This is a really insightful article regarding social transition. Hope it helps OP

I agree with PP that binders are very harmful.

www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

Social not socks

I don’t WANT her to go through that process at 18 but when she’s an adult I won’t have say and that is exactly why I’m deliberating now!
The therapist helpfully brought this up in a session in front of her like it was really no big deal and I’m seeking advice as to whether it is or not. My gut is telling me that it wouldn’t be helpful and could actually embed the identity but there are different views and I want to do the right thing for my child - both right now and in the future.

The therapist helpfully brought this up in a session in front of her like it was really no big deal

Get a new therapist. Don’t let her see this one again.

A therapist brought up the option of surgery? That's horrific!
I think we will see in under 5 years a lot of these therapists and doctors sued and hopefully locked up.

Best wishes to you OP. It's a difficult place for you all to be because schools and the medical profession have just been captured. Often their advice comes from a good place, but the use of binders, blockers and hormones (the latter which has to be taken for your daughter's whole life) and surgery seems to them to be nothing more than taking a Panadol.

Second looking at transgender trend, this team is also very supportive too

bayswatersupport.org.uk/

The vast majority of de trans people sharing their story are now telling us very loudly that they were allowed to transition socially when they faced a totally normal pubertal disconnect with their body, , then the next step was blockers or hormones, then surgery etc. They tend to say that nobody batted an eye about the social transition, then once they were on the train, hormones was just the next step.

Everybody in their trans groups told them that hormones are the cure all. So they did cross sex hormones but it didn't really help get rid of that nagging feeling. So they are told that surgery will actually, finally fix the issue. But it doesn't. At that point, surely you can see how it's in the entire support groups interest ( trans friends, family, drs, counselling team etc) to keep up this facade and persuade the person THEY ARE TRANS AND FINE as other wise, they are complicit in this horrific experiment and that poor human has been operated on for no reason at all and they are complicit in it .

A certain person who advocates hard for blockers in very young kids absolutely has to keep up believing in the trans train and it's in her interest to validate her poor adult kids every single day and keep on pressuring them they are trans.... because other wise she had to face up to that fact her husband didn't like his effeminate male toddler playing with dolls and so the kids wanted to be a girl ..... and so she took them abroad to be castrated the day after their 16th birthday. If that person ever comes to their senses or suffers health issues then that mother should be legally culpable of horrific child abuse and reckless endangerment.

Don't you remember being a teen and going through puberty

Not all children react badly to puberty.

OP, I think the binder was perhaps a step too far. I think letting her wear traditionally masculine clothing is absolutely fine, as is her having short hair.

If she really is distressed about her breasts, maybe a good-fitting sports bra? They are the only type of bra I like wearing, especially when I'm feeling androgynous (I'm not trans though).

@FelixViolet

Don't you remember being a teen and going through puberty

Not all children react badly to puberty.

OP, I think the binder was perhaps a step too far. I think letting her wear traditionally masculine clothing is absolutely fine, as is her having short hair.

If she really is distressed about her breasts, maybe a good-fitting sports bra? They are the only type of bra I like wearing, especially when I'm feeling androgynous (I'm not trans though).

I didn't say all children feel bad about puberty but a great many of them do struggle with the charges, at least initially.

I am all for anybody wearing ANYTHING they want clothes wise (providing it's not indecent in public) . My youngest son is 18 and has long hair and absolutely rocks a pussy bow blouse and a pair of skinny jeans with converse. I happily buy him eye liner or whatever he wants. If my 13 yo daughter wanted her head shaved I'd let her because it's just hair and it grows back and it's hers.

Hello! I'm trans Nb and I like people using the right name and pronouns... you know... because that's my name lol.

Also do you really wanna deadname your son for the rest of his life?

Deadname is such a weird expression

Hello! I'm trans Nb and I like people using the right name and pronouns... you know... because that's my name lol.

I don’t believe in gender so the ‘right’ pronouns are sex based. Why do you feel so entitled to police others language?

@JinxyTheEnbie

Also do you really wanna deadname your son for the rest of his life?

They can do what they want when they're legally old enough but you don't wake up one day and realise you're a boy in a girls body so OP is doing the right thing by encouraging them to take their time.

@JinxyTheEnbie

Hello! I'm trans Nb and I like people using the right name and pronouns... you know... because that's my name lol.

How can you be trans and non-binary? Trans means moving from one pole of the binary to the other.

JinxytheEnbie - I would, of course, respect your pronouns given that (I assume) you are a fully fledged adult who has had the time to think carefully about your identity, rather than a 14 year old going through puberty whilst subject to various influences.
In the same way I would respect your right to vote how you want, marry who you want or live where you want because you’ve reached an age where you are considered to be capable of making good decisions. Would I trust the judgment of a 14 year old in such matters though? Doubtful!

Support, and love are important, but so is understanding. I would advise that you refer to them as male, as your son, use the name he wishes you to.

Even if you have your doubts, these measures will help them to explore who they really are, and they will feel safe doing so. If you insist on calling them she, female, daughter, etc, then you are not being supportive, and you could get pushback.

If they decide that they are not male? No worries, you gave them they chance to explore, and made sure they were safe to do so.

If they decide that they are male? No worries, keep supporting them, they are your child!

I can't offer any advice on binding, but I would encourage that you set some rules on this, so for example, not around the house, the house is a safe enviroment, and should be judgement free. This means the chest isn't getting squeezed all the time!

Sports bras may also be the way to go, I know one poster said they are just as bad, but not really, depends what you get. I have to have them for disabilities, here's one from Decathlon that I have - www.decathlon.com/collections/womens-sport-bras/products/running-zip-sports-bra-117165?

It's got amazing padding, it flattens the chest, and it doesn't exactly look feminine! I can also tell you, my cat loves sleeping on it.

Hope this helps!