Husband Disagreement

[EmilyPet]

I spoke about this before but the situation has escalated. My son came home today after school and everything seemed fine. He watched some TV with my husband while I prepared dinner as I usually do. We all sat down for dinner and we had one of our many evening chats when my son said he had something to tell us.

He told us he wanted us to use female pronouns for him and use a new name. I won’t say what it is but it’s a fairly average girls name along the lines of Jessica, Beth, Lucy, etc.

I was hesitant and tried to talk him out of it and make sure this is what he actually wanted while my husband supported him without question. When our son first came out, my and my husband were both sceptical but now it seems my husband has decided to completely agree with our son.

Once our son had finished dinner and gone into his room I discussed the situation with my husband. We got into an argument about it with me saying that it might be a good idea to not immediately support our son as I think he’s confused but my husband got angry with me and said we should support our son no matter what. He said he’s going to use female pronouns and our son’s chosen name against my wishes. What should I do? I feel like I’m all on my own here.

You say that your husband is doing this 'against your wishes' but what about your child's wishes? She is asking for you to respect and trust her. She isn't asking for a huge surgery, hormone changes or anything like that. You might not like it, but are you willing to risk your relationship with your child over it?

Your husband is correct, you should support your child. It is your child's wishes that you aren't respecting, and if you aren't respecting theirs, why should you be surprised your husband isn't respecting yours?

Talking it through with your child and ensuring they know what they are doing in a supportive and understanding way is fine, but ultimately it is their choice and I doubt it is something they have done on a whim with no consideration.

I remember my first exposure to anorexia. The child was 10. She had not yet started manifesting as malnourished. The grandmother was extremely worried at the complete refusal to eat.
Everyone else applauded the maturity beyond her years and self will.
1 year later she was intubated to keep her alive and she still saw herself as morbidly obese.

It's hard being on your own with reservations. Unfortunately I think there isn't much you can do until the harm itself is done. If that grandma had been overtly opposed to the very strict diet, the diet would have been endured until death to prove the point and I'm not exaggerating. We came close. A few times.
Your child and dh know you have reservations. Voice them when appropriate. If not leave them to it I'd say. I'm watching my neighbours and colleagues children go through it from the side lines. With or without affirmation, no family is coming out of this unscathed.
I'm sure there's someone on here whose children are going through this who will be able to give better advice soon.
Hang in there.

You do need to support your child

Going long with it isn't support

Although I understand your reservations I think you need to at least be open to the possibility of your son wanting to transition. They are at school so presumably quite young and they may be confused and/or just trying to figure things out but if you refuse to use these preferred pronouns it may cause damage to your relationship with them that will push them further down a certain path - teenagers are known to do the opposite of what you want them to!
Just wait and see, keep an eye on outside influences but be sympathetic as well

It is a very hard thing to do when its your child, but you have to respect what your child is asking of you. Your husband is right I'm afraid.

Transition is a drastic action that has lifelong consequences

For generations, children have lived through and grown out of these feelings

That is a healthier option and if the desire to transition is caused by anything other than very deep rooted dysmorphia then it won't help.

Experiencing Homophobia, bullying , being strongly gender none conforming are not good reasons to transistion but will make you think you should

@BiggerBoat1

It is a very hard thing to do when its your child, but you have to respect what your child is asking of you. Your husband is right I'm afraid.

No they don't

Unless the r child is no longer a child ?

My parents were there for me when I felt wrong - that I was a boy

But the one thing they didn't do was agree with a lie

They helped me be me. They showed unconditional love for the me I am , not the person others wanted to see. They helped me like and love myself . They helped me to not need approval of people who wanted me to change in any way or who felt uncomfortable in my presence . Who wouldn't take me as I am

Because all those external influences are huge for teenagers as thier brains rewire

I don’t have any wisdom to offer but just want to say I sympathise with your dilemma and your concerns about your child and your relationship with your husband. As parents, our first responsibility is to our children — but you also have a right to explore your own feelings. Is there someone in real life you could speak with for guidance? Can you speak with someone at school to find out what is going on there — for example how teachers and other pupils call your child? Is anything going on at school (bullying, isolation, etc) that your child hasn’t mentioned?
I admire your husband’s manifestation of unconditional love and support but understand your own hesitations and desires to be sure your child is taking true right steps and the right time. I disagree with those who say children/teenagers know who they are and what they want and should be able to act accordingly. Clearly, many of us didn’t know “who we were” as teens and only through gradual life experiences did we evolve into our adult selves.

There is a place for parental acceptance but also a place for parental guidance — I hope you receive good advice and are able to find the right balance between the two objectives.

(I am new to this discussion and am hesitant to post my own concerns give the very harsh, doctrinaire comments I have seen in response to questions from other parents.)

Sorry for typos. Meant to write “I understand your desires to be sure your child is taking the right steps at the right time.” (And by “right” I mean “right” for your child, as “in your child’s best interests”)

You don't have to immediately support your child. They are going through a process of questioning their identity. You can love them and support them without going straight to new name and new pronouns. Many parents use watchful waiting. Some refuse new pronouns and names. The aim is to keep open a way back when/if your child changes their mind. You will not lose your relationship with your child. You might lose your relationship if you do not respect them, but you do respect them and you want what is best for them. You are not alone. Check the Bayswater support group.

Your husband is correct.

You risk losing the relationship with your child if you don’t support them.

How old is your son?

Is this real @MummyAndHerDummy ?

@Shipshake I highly doubt it

I agree with you op

You might both be right, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. Such a horrible thing to write.