Really struggling to accept it all!

[Orangelimes]

There are mounting signs that my 15 year old DD is gay. She had hinted at numerous points but hasn’t actually said it. Obviously, I have always said all the right things a parent should say when anything has come up in conversation. She is also actively embracing a more masculine appearance.
My problem is that inside I’m breaking! I’ve googled what to do and say and read so many examples of parents handling things beautifully but I just want to sob. I don’t know why and I know it’s terribly unfashionable to have any issues with this but I’m really struggling. I don’t even know what issues I have.
I want to be ready and supportive and ok with this but I’m not. I feel like I’m grieving! What is wrong with me? I have loads of gay, bi, trans friends but this feels different and I can’t even work out why.
Do all parents truly find this easy? Is there anyone out there who has been on a trickier journey?
I know I’ll get lots of abuse which I know I deserve but I needed to put this out there.

[Lostinafield]

You don't deserve abuse, your feelings are your feelings.
But I wonder if counselling might be a useful way for you to explore exactly what it is you're grieving?

[Knockon]

Is it a fear that your daughter may be growing up in a world that is one third accepting, one third cultish and one third actively hostile to her sexuality? Essentially making her adolescence and adulthood likely to be met with some form of danger in a way that you do not associate with heteronormative lives?

[hivemindneeded]

There's nthing wrong with you. It's just as a straight person you made assumptions about your daughter and you have 15 years of them to undo. That's quite an upsetting process. And I'd guess that;s a key part of it. Another part is the natural fear for your DC that they will be subject to discrimination or attack.

You will get used to it in time, because she is who she has always been, you are just learning about a new aspect of her, which happens in all sorts of ways when they hit their teens - their interests, opinions, life decisions. The adult they will become starts to make an appearance.

[SinoohXaenaHide]

You love your daughter, obviously, but in any relationship between two people there are actually 6 persons - there's You as you like to perceive yourself, You as perceived by your Daughter and You as you really are. There's also your Daughter as she likes to perceive herself, your daughter as perceived by you and your Daughter as she really is. All 3 versions of you love all 3 versions of her and vice versa. All 3 will evolve and change sometimes slowly and gradually, sometimes so dramatically that it feels like a "death" of an old version and a "rebirth" of a new.

As your Daughter opens up to you more information and understanding about both who she really is and how she perceives herself, there's a version of her how you used to perceive her (a version informed by heteronormativity) that you aren't going to see again - that there should be a little grief is totally understandable but your grief is like the tears you shed at the death of a character in a tv programme or film - they are someone fictional. That doesn't make the emotion invalid but it's not actually going to get in the way of your genuine love and support of your daughter. You'll both be absolutely fine once you have adjusted.

[psydrive]

Grieving for what? What exactly is your problem?

[Veryverycalmnow]

It sounds like you're having a difficult time and I think some counselling around this would be useful. You clearly want to handle it well but are struggling deep down. That's ok, you're asking for help and advice. You sound like a caring parent. Don't beat yourself up!

[Lollypop701]

Are you grieving the idealistic portrait of the dd you thought you would have? Dd, sil kids nice house, 9-5 well paid jobs etc? Basically a nice easy straightforward Disney life for dd in which she was happy. We all know this is a fairytale, but I think as parents that’s what we want to happen. Being different is always harder, even if it’s more usual now, you know she’s going to be less easy. You sound like a good mum , you love her and you already know it doesn’t matter. You just need to reorganise the internal dialogue.

[hivemindneeded]

OP, I must tell you that watching DS's first boyfriend stroke his hair lovingly and encourage him out on runs to look after his health and squeeze his hand under the table when he says something the boyfriend finds endearing is absolutely as heartwarming as it would be if he were with a girlfriend. Ultimately, we want our DC to be loved and happy. I shudder to imagine how unhappy he'd have been if he'd grown up in an atmosphere of homophobia where he had to fake being straight. You will get used to it just as we get used to any aspect of our DC's adult selves which we'd not anticipated. And when she meets the right person, you will be over the moon for her.

[Italiangreyhound]

Orangelimes it's quite understand able to feel sad or a sense of loss when things don't go the way we expect them too.

I remember reading on here a out a woman who was a lesbian but had ended up married to a man. No idea why. Perhaps denial of her own feelings to save the feelings of others.

Anyway, she felt she could not leave her husband but knew she'd never experience the real love she craved. It made me feel very sad..

I'm glad our kids are growing up on s world where they can love who they want to love.

It's not easy for parents. Both my kids are non-gender confirming or straight but I am happy they are able to express themselves and love their lives as they wish to.

[Italiangreyhound]

So many typos! Sorry.

Both my kids are non-gender confirming nor are they straight and I am happy they are able to express themselves and live their lives as they wish to.

[StillWeRise]

perhaps if you remind yourself of all the dire outcomes that are possible for a heterosexual woman you won't be so sad your DD is lesbian

[twomumsonebump]

I can only share my experience of being on your daughters side of things. I came out when I was 15 and my mum told me it was a phase. So back in the closet I went. Then a few years later (after years of terrible mental health because I wasn't being true to who I was) I came out again. When I was with my first girlfriend I overheard my mum say "It makes me feel uncomfortable" and it BROKE me. I have forgiven her but I'll never forget it.
I'm now very happily married with a baby on the way and my mum LOVES my wife and can't wait to be a nana.

Whatever you do, please be careful what you say. You clearly love your daughter, and nothing about her is changing! She's just getting to be herself!

[Mumshappy]

Dd 17 has known shes not straight for about 4 years. She has always been open about her sexuality. Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life about your feelings? You feel how you feel. You dont have to justify yourself. I would remain neutral but supportive if your dd confides in you. You dont want to damage your relationship. For me I genuinely dont care about dd life choices as long as shes happy.

[Italiangreyhound]

twomumsonebump congratulations on your forthcoming baby. Thank you for sharing.

I didn't handle one of my children coming out as trans very well. My child has forgiven me but not forgotten.

I agree, be careful what you say, OP. You are totally within your rights to feel however you feel. But, sharing your feelings could be very hurtful.