Losing my child over gender

[Bendybuses]

Hello, we have had a gradual change over about a year from I might be gay to non-binary to I think I'm a boy and want treatment.

We agreed to a name change and school and try to use 'they' - but I can't bring myself to use 'he'. I'm so torn, if I support what they want as the next stages - referral / hormones / testosterone and eventual surgery it just isn't something I agree with. But if I disagree I am losing my child "why can't you support me" "it is the only thing that will make me happy, don't you want me to be happy".

The pressure from them is relentless, and I feel at a loss. They won't talk, they just text or voice message and I get a string of messages like those above most days. Our line has been that if they want medical interventions they have to wait till they are an adult, this is a decision for them to make as I can't support it.

We don't have family near and they have opted out of all the activities they used to do. I'm always trying to get them to do things and they refuse, won't even come for a walk. They don't help around the house and are really negative and basically horrible all the time. I saw a message to a friend where they said how much they hate me.

This relationship is breaking. I don't want that to happen, should I ignore "whatever thing your moral compass has twisted to make you think it the right thing to do" (most recent message) and support the next stage.

Either way it is breaking my heart.

We are beyond all this now.
Testosterone and surgery next.
My husband barely sees his child as no discussion is allowed.
They are 19 now so that's it really.

If your child wants to be referred to as he then respect his wishes. There is a huge differences between supporting him by using his chosen pronouns and agreeing to medical interventions.

If he changes his mind later you can go back to saying she. It’s not permanent and showing that you care about his wishes is soooo much more important than being right about gender.

They don't need your agreement at 16.

@MrsKeats

We are beyond all this now. Testosterone and surgery next. My husband barely sees his child as no discussion is allowed. They are 19 now so that's it really.

@MrsKeats I feel like that's where we are heading. Our family feels like a front in some gender war and I hate it. How are you doing?

Thanks everyone a few people have mentioned counselling, how would I find someone. I'm concerned about them affirming choices without looking into any background, would I be able to say that?

It's my stepchild so I am a bit removed in comparison to the parents I guess.
My dh struggles with it every day. It's like people have joined cults-there is no room for alternatives/discussion.
Mastectomy is next step-people on here talk about this subject a lot on here but to my mind it's barbaric.

@Bendybuses how are things going?

[quote Italiangreyhound]@Bendybuses how are things going?[/quote]
Hiya, the Christmas list has arrived with "hormone replacement and testosterone" on it. I nearly lost it!

But I've put them on a list for a counsellor - might be good to have someone to talk to out of the family. This seems to have calmed things down a little, though nothing has really changed.

Family are asking what to get them for Christmas - I don't really want to say "huge men clothes" which is what they wear so I've gone with socks...

OP I have some sympathy with you (and certainly agree re the medical treatment) but why on earth wouldn’t you let you child have the clothes they want to wear as Christmas presents? It means nothing in the grand scheme of things and by being so steadfast in your rejection of what your child perceives to be their identity, you are likely only forcing a more entrenched position.
Give in on the stuff that’s temporary (clothes / pronouns).

"Men" clothes are usually pretty gender neutral, aren't they (assuming they actually fit)? So loose hoodies etc might be nice? I'd say it's more of a 'big deal' the other way round.

I'd honestly let them choose the clothes they want. The Testosterone or whatever is not something that is easy to buy or safe, so it's not something for a Christmas list.

Does your child want to have treatment when they are older, if so you may want to think about asking for a referral. Nothing would happen quickly. The gender services are currently seeing people referred in 2018 I think, so a three year wait.

How is your relationship with your child now, I do hope it is getting better.

@Burnamer

OP I have some sympathy with you (and certainly agree re the medical treatment) but why on earth wouldn’t you let you child have the clothes they want to wear as Christmas presents? It means nothing in the grand scheme of things and by being so steadfast in your rejection of what your child perceives to be their identity, you are likely only forcing a more entrenched position. Give in on the stuff that’s temporary (clothes / pronouns).

Hi, they wear what they want. I'm not commenting on that really.

But you’ve asked people to get them socks rather than something they might really want. If I’ve understood that correctly it seems a bit petty.

I agree that hormone treatment etc is a huge decision and one that I’d want my child to wait until adulthood for… but why on earth can’t you call them ‘he’ if it’s something they feel strongly about?

Using their preferred pronoun isn’t risky in the least. And regardless of what you believe about a person’s ability to change sex, allowing someone to choose how they are referred to is just basic curtesy.

Thanks are your child OP, don’t lose them over this.

@Burnamer

I understand not supporting permanent medical changes in a child but why for goodness sake can’t you get on board with calling your child a he? What harm would it do you? And yet it seems it would mean the world to your child.

Because it's affirming a social transition and reinforcing the child's dysphoria about themselves.

@Bendybuses Get in touch with Bayswater Support Group, and look at Transgender Trend, and Genspect have lots of information including a webinar on rapid onset gender dysphoria ROGD) if you scroll down a bit on their conference page:
genspect.org/conferences/

Watchful waiting is best approach, in a neutral environment - almost impossible these days, sadly - but without changing how you address her, as that is social transitioning and psychologically important.
A Wider Lens podcast is interesting also