Finding it hard

[Barryallen]

Hi everyone.
Longtime Mumsnet user but first time on this board as I only just found it.
Long story short, I have a DD16 who has gradually, over the past year, changed her clothing/look so she now only wears male clothing (down to the underwear)
She told me she was bisexual a few months ago but that was it - the only discussion and nothing about gender at all.
We moved to the US when she was very young so we now live in a liberal part of the US but in a small town where there is one high school and everyone seems to know everyone’s business.
I love her and want to support her whatever she chooses but honestly, deep down it’s so hard as I feel like I’m losing my daughter and I don’t know who she is anymore:(
Her younger sister told me today that her older sister told her she want to cut her hair short. I think she’s asked her younger sis to feel me out about my reaction. Honestly I didn’t really say anything but the thought of her cutting her hair makes me so sad- and before it’s said I know it’s superficial and it can grow back if she changes her mind… I just am almost mourning her not being a girl. I suspect she may feel she’s transgender? She’s already going to a dance dressed in a suit with literally everyone else she’s friends with going in a dress (which she was happy to do pre-Covid when they had their last school dance.
I think it’s a mixture of mourning losing my daughter (I know I’m not really losing her!) and how difficult the journey she has in front of her will be:(
Plus my husband is totally freaked out by it (privately to me) so I feel like I’m justifying to him why we have to support her whilst inside my heart is breaking.
Just wanted some support/advice if anyone has any?
The cutting her hair (if she chooses to do it) will be devastating for me and I know it’s my issue and I know ultimately I’ll support her but honestly how do you do it?!

Please try and accept her she’s at the age where young people like to try out different ways of being, she’s not told you she’s feeling any gender dysphoria maybe she just like the androgynous look.

Surely one of the drivers for girls to think they might be trans is the pressure for girls to have long hair. Back in my day most of my female friends had short hair.

That’s a good point! Honestly as a younger child her hair took years to grow so it was always fairly short. The past two years she’s had it long and baliaged (sp?) blonde so this is a complete 180 together with the clothing. Definitely some kind of statement even if she’s not talking to us. It’s hard when she’s not talking- and I don’t want to pressure her to - yet making making this transition on how she presents herself to the rest of the world.

It's not always easy to make them feel supported without affirming, it's a very thin line to walk.
The way it almost feels like a fashion statement particularly with girls is frightening, as a parent getting this right is extremely difficult.
I think you are doing all you can, personally I think the clothes, hair, pro nouns etc are a harmless way of letting them explore and experiment.
I understand its hard for you though.
My DC is trans (mtf) coincidentally it was during lockdown that this came to a head, it wasn't a huge shock, the signs were always there and we have probably been guilty of affirming over the years.
Over the last 18 months or so that boy has pretty much disappeared.
I know what you mean by the "mourning" comment.

OP, you sound lovely and it’s clear that you are both supportive parents, whilst acknowledging your inner feelings. What comes across to me is giving yourself that permission to mourn and grieve, but perhaps what you are losing is not your child but more the loss of the life you expected/ hoped they would lead. Like any loss, trying to suppress any of the stages won’t do you any good and you may find you come to terms with things more easily, and then by adjusting your mindset and your expectations, perhaps start to be excited about the new and fresh opportunities this will bring.
I also wonder what impact being in the community is having? For example, if you lived as a family on a desert island with no outside influence would this change at all how you felt. And, if so, how does that inform you about, perhaps, fears of others’ reactions affecting your feelings and, if so, how much do you want others’ reactions to have an influence vs what’s best for your child. Hope that all makes sense?

Thank you for all of the replies- made me feel I’m not alone in having these feelings but I do know what I have to do to outwardly support my DD.
She’s booked a haircut for tomorrow morning so it’s imminent and I’m going to steel myself to smile broadly and tell her I love it.
It doesn’t help that my husband had an awful reaction when I told him (we were alone so she has no clue) and was venting angrily to me:(
I know he will outwardly support her (he likes to be a bit if a Disney Dad almost) but it adds more pressure to an already difficult marriage sadly.
It’s crazy how life changes completely in the space of 18 months!

You're making the assumption that male clothing and short hair means trans, but that's not necessarily the case. My wife wears only male clothing and underwear, I've literally just finished shaving her head as the sides had grown out past her ears, she wore a suit to our wedding. She has no interest in transitioning, she just feels more comfortable and like herself like this. I've always beenore traditionally girly, long hair and feminine clothing. If you are concerned, talk to her. Don't make it about what you're worried about losing. Talk to her about how she feels and how you can support her. It's ok to ask about these issues, especially if she's using a younger sibling to feel out your reaction, it suggests she's worried. Reassure her that she will always be your child and that you love her. She will be more willing to open up about her feelings and then you will hopefully know more about how to handle things without worrying about things that may not even happen.