Help. Think I've messed up

[Bellie99]

My 16yrold told me last night that they no longer want to be referred to as female but would prefer they/them. They described it as along the gender scale they were ok with themselves but feel happier when not called by female pronouns.
They have also (without my knowledge) started wearing a binder. They are not sure if they will ever want to become male but not sure. They just feel happier with the the label of non binary as do not wish to conform and having seen on social media that non binary individuals can have a normal life and jobs they identify like this more.
They have been bi sexual since 14 and I have no problem with this.

I told them that I would always love them no matter what and would try to refer to they/them, but they needed to help me along the path as they have just hit me with their decision (after a week away with their biological dad)

They then went and told my partner with no context other than 'I would rather you refer to me as they/them, it's my decision so respect it'

My DP (of 9 years living with us all for 8 years)has a problem with the trans/gender terms and can't see beyond bio sex (I hope I'm using the right terminology)
He strongly believes it's been driven by social media and the need for people to have a 'label' rather than just 'being' if that makes sense.

Anyway, I'm now stuck stuck trying to support my eldest child (how they want to be described) and my partners views. Culminated in him leaving this morning 'to sort his head out' and now I'm left feeling that I have to choose. Obviously I would always choose my children but I'm in pieces, my eldest in in pieces and the youngest (12) not really understanding. He has accepted his siblings announcement with a shrug and ok.

Not sure what I am after except a listening ear from people who hopefully will understand.

So sorry that nobody responded to your post OP. There are countless families struggling with this as children are being gaslighted left right and centre that they may be born in the wrong body.
It sounds as if you said absolutely the right thing - reassuring them of your love and care.
Here are a few organisations that may be able to support. The Bayswater group supports parents in supporting their children:
bayswatersupport.org.uk/
Transgender Trend also supports parents and has lots of information about where some of the influences are coming from:
www.transgendertrend.com/

Hope this helps a little.

Your partner has made it all about him and flounced off compared to the younger sibling who responded with a shrug and ‘ok’… interesting…

@MrsOvertonsWindow

So sorry that nobody responded to your post OP. There are countless families struggling with this as children are being gaslighted left right and centre that they may be born in the wrong body. It sounds as if you said absolutely the right thing - reassuring them of your love and care. Here are a few organisations that may be able to support. The Bayswater group supports parents in supporting their children: bayswatersupport.org.uk/ Transgender Trend also supports parents and has lots of information about where some of the influences are coming from: www.transgendertrend.com/

Hope this helps a little.

Thank you so much. There is such an overload of everything going on at the moment. We have all agreed to try our best to use they/them but with the understanding that 16 years is not going to be wiped out over night. At the moment we seem to have reached status quo in all trying to understand each other's viewpoints but living together and trying to support each other. DP is home and he and the eldest have had some really good heart to hearts over their different views but love each other for who they are if that makes sense.

@Lunettesloupes

Your partner has made it all about him and flounced off compared to the younger sibling who responded with a shrug and ‘ok’… interesting…

I think that shows society and generational differences tbh. Youngest is only 11 and has grown up with it all through other friends and media etc. Adults have a broader view of the world and impacts that decisions like this can make. I certainly didn't shrug my shoulders and accept. I am torn within both views and am trying not to loose my child. If DP decides he can reconcile his beliefs with what is happening in our family, so be it. I will always put my children first which I think he realised when I didn't go running after him. It certainly seemed that he made it all about him, but as I didn't play to his drama he has to make a choice.

That sounds really positive Bellie99

Watchful waiting - supporting our children, loving them while ensuring that they are safe and don't make any life altering decisions seems to be key. A quick look at other threads on here show how many parents are being caught by what is undoubtedly huge levels of social contagion.

It's great that children are open and not biased, but as parents we have to protect them. Too many children are being caught up in adult issues about identity when they should be exploring their identity as learners, brothers and sisters, family relationships, friends, sportspeople, singers, members of their communities. Sadly too many schools, the BBC etc are letting children down by enabling adult groups to push niche ideologies at them before children have fully matured and explored their childhood / teenage years.

Hope you don't find this patronising, but the more parents can do to involve children in family / community life (hard with 16 year olds I know), spending 1 -1 time, activities, cooking, hobbies etc, the easier it is for them to remain grounded in real life and not the online fantasies about gender identity they're being presented with at the moment.

Not patronising at all @MrsOvertonsWindow. Unfortunately have taken eye off the ball with family time and 1:1 recently. Has so many activities through school (DofE, volunteering, music and sport etc) usually v little downtime, but screens etc took over a bit during lockdown and summer. Big wake up call and hopefully communication can come back and as you say exploring other ideas. This seems to be the only thing on their agenda at the moment and we need to gradually move away from that being the only defining factor.

Thanks for the words of advice. It is so helpful to know I'm not alone.

Glad you weren't offended OP. The pandemic has inevitably pushed everyone online and I genuinely fear for so many children / teenagers who just aren't getting a break from these often toxic online influences.
Wishing you all the very best.

Late to this post but it truly resonates with me and I wanted to reply.
I am dealing with something very similar - although DD16 isn’t presenting as non-binary she is dressing as a boy and will be getting her hair cut short today (a whole other issue I am dealing with as I had unexpected emotions when she told me)
She says it’s how she’s comfortable and she doesn’t truly understand why but honestly I feel that all her friends and school mates know what’s going on with her and she’s just afraid to tell us how she really feels right now.
I have had the same issues with my husband - on the surface he says the right things but truly, deep down he doesn’t accept or understand gender challenging issues and is scared stuff that she will encounter negativity and bias in the real world. He is doing all this behind the scenes, venting to me. Although I understand his fears (I have the same fears) my instinct is to protect my child and I will support her however difficult it is for me! On top of a shaky marriage to start with it feels like I’m being torn and having to constantly defend her choices when I don’t understand them myself!
We have, in our calmer moments, agreed to do ‘watchful waiting’ where we support the changes that are reversible (clothes, hair) but aside from that we largely ignore the issue and wait it out. We only have 13 months until she turns 18 and is legally an adult, so I feel that adds a pressure that she’ll then be able to make legal decisions for herself (maybe not be financially independent though)
Anyway - just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and after reading a lot lately it seems that this is an issue that is happening a lot, especially after Covid hit and the world retreated to the internet. ((Hugs))

They are not sure if they will ever want to become male but not sure.

I would want to make her understand that becoming male isn’t possible. I’d be very concerned about the binder. I’d get her some therapy.

Start with “that’s nice dear”. Then get her off Reddit or wherever she’s learning about all of this. Get her out of the house and busy, occupied as much as possible. Explain the physical dangers of breast damage from binders and encourage her to take her time.

We did this with our “I’m really a boy” 16 year old DD and she’s now a 22 year old, somewhat feminine woman, who is hugely gender critical after her Reddit indoctrination.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and I have managed to get them to agree to therapy - however a while other issue as over 16 legally the therapist and dd do not have to share anything with me, so my head is now exploding again as I just have to hope and pray that the therapist does not affirm the pathway!
The binding does seem to have stopped though.

I completely agree about getting off the internet, and getting outside but hostels not finishing school until 6 most days due to extra-curricular stuff, team sports 2 nights a week and Saturday matches, CCF, volunteering and gold dofe I'm not sure we can fit much more in. Theses activities were really missed in lockdown and now they are back, she is presenting a much more balanced view of the world and has not told anyone outside a very select few friends.
I'm trying not so make it the soul thing that is talked about and the family seem to have reached a truce.
It's birthday coming up and I have pointed out that they will have no right to be upset about receiving 'girly' cards as has not shared. Thought this may be a springboard to talk about it more, but just got an 'ok' and ' I understand' so I don't know what to think again!
It's tough and feel for all going through it. It's such a balance of support, concern, trying not scream and making sure I don't lose it completely too. Permanently exhausted by it all.

Sending hugs- I completely get the feeling of exhaustion. I spend my time worrying what she’ll come to me with next.
Homecoming Dance for my DD today and she’s gone off wearing a lilac man’s suit with her new very short hair cut. I’m sitting look at masses of pictures on FB of friends who’s daughters are all in large groups wearing dresses and heels. I know I shouldn’t be looking at FB, I know I should be proud she has the confidence to wear what she’s wearing. It’s hard when as an adult you can see the path they’re taking is going to be hard and you want to protect them:(
This thread at least has helped me to not feel so alone- I hope OP it is helping you also.

I am going through this too only it's my DS wanting to be a girl. I spend most days crying (which I know is wrong) at the end of the day it's nothing bad, they are not drug dealing or anything bad but I know how hard life already is without this added thing.
My child is very bright and has autism I hope they are not reading too much about transgender and jumping to conclusions as it makes them fit in where they never have before. Never seen any signs at all. Finding it hard to not use the name I gave them and say she not he. They want their name changed by deed pole before they sit their exams in May. I have had to make an appointment at solicitors as I can't see how I can refuse. I totally support them but I am not a hundred percent this is what they want and not just what they think they want. Finding it all a lot to get my head around and scared for their future.

From your OP, your DP seems to disagree with gender ideology, and this has caused some tension. I sincerely hope you have all managed to navigate this difficult time without a huge falling out, these things can cause a lot of heated opinion.

I was going to say, hopefully it's not too late, that if your DP is uncomfortable using counter-intuitive pronouns for a person he sees as female, he can simply avoid pronouns altogether. Just refer by name. It's easily done because really we hardly ever use someone's pronouns when they're stood right there!

Thanks @Gncq. Yes we have agreed to use name rather than pronouns and in return they have agreed not to jump down throat if get wrong, but quietly correct us - 16 years cannot be undone quickly!

@monstermash14 gosh that's hard changing name. I'm guessing they must be 15/16? Is there anyway you can avoid the deed poll and get school to change name (as guessing it's for certificates?) and do it that way rather than something so legal?

It is so hard and thanks for stories of those children who have managed to pull back from a pathway that seems to be so accepted. It gives hope.
Let's keep supporting each other as we go. Each day seems to bring something new to deal with. Today was brother struggling to find appropriate birthday card and his words 'has had to buy something pants as can't say sister anymore 😢 and no cards say non binary or sibling'. I mean seriously why should he at age 12 have to be dealing with this too. ??

Have you come across the Gender:A Wider Lens podcast?

It’s run by a couple of therapists who specialist in gender questioning teens and are really thoughtful and compassionate in their approach. You might find this one helpful:

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/gender-a-wider-lens-podcast/id1542655295?i=1000534194838

@Bellie99

Thanks *@Gncq*. Yes we have agreed to use name rather than pronouns and in return they have agreed not to jump down throat if get wrong, but quietly correct us - 16 years cannot be undone quickly!

@monstermash14 gosh that's hard changing name. I'm guessing they must be 15/16? Is there anyway you can avoid the deed poll and get school to change name (as guessing it's for certificates?) and do it that way rather than something so legal?

It is so hard and thanks for stories of those children who have managed to pull back from a pathway that seems to be so accepted. It gives hope.
Let's keep supporting each other as we go. Each day seems to bring something new to deal with. Today was brother struggling to find appropriate birthday card and his words 'has had to buy something pants as can't say sister anymore 😢 and no cards say non binary or sibling'. I mean seriously why should he at age 12 have to be dealing with this too. ??

They have just turned 16, I had the same trying to find a card that didn't say DS broke my heart. The school use their chosen name in the register but they have told me exams must be sat in official name m, so certificates will have name given at birth unless it has been changed legally. They have also said certificates can not be changed once issued so my child (even putting child seems strange and silly) would always have to explain why GCSE certificates say different (they are wanting op etc) I am not sure what use saying no I won't get name changed will do. Just going to push them away and get them anxious.

@monstermash14 my heart is breaking for you too. What a choice for you to make. I hope you and your teen can get some advice before making the decision.

[quote Bellie99]@monstermash14 my heart is breaking for you too. What a choice for you to make. I hope you and your teen can get some advice before making the decision. [/quote]
Thank you, sorry I did not mean to hijack your post. It was nice to hear somebody else is going through this as people I have mentioned it to just give a shocked look and don't know what to say. I hope you and your teen work through this too.

I thought it's easier girl to boy than boy to girl as lots of people have short hair and wear pants it is not shocking where a boy wearing a skirt still is but I had no idea about binders etc. life seems so hard for teenagers these days. Sending you thoughts and a good future for you all.

@bellie99 It is so hard trying to deal with everyone's confusion and emotions without adding to the unavoidable tensions and difficult situations. I feel for you. @monstermash14 I can relate to all you are saying you could have been writing about my son who out of the blue has suddenly announced he is a girl and will be doing x,y and z immediately as his online 'friends' on reddit and discord have told him what he has to do and to do it now. They are mostly adults, more than twice his age, that appear to be seeking out vulnerable young people to befriend. It is very scary. We are treading carefully but have immediately got him away from these chat forums/sites. It is all so difficult for everyone, particularly these wonderful young people who are confused and unsure exactly what it is they are feeling and why. We can just do our best to support and be there for them and help them find their way.

@Purplemoonshine it's awful and I am unsure if it is a brainwashing or actually what they want. I will support them 100% but I would rather know it's definitely how they feel and not just how they think they feel from what they are told. They are extremely bright so have never really fit in I believe they now feel they fit in so this must be why when in fact it isn't, but as parents we have to support and let our children know we are there for them no matter what when actually inside a little piece of us is dying. It's so hard to know what to do for the best. @Purplemoonshine Has your child done anything further apart from telling you? Have they changed their name or wore a skirt etc?

Sorry! Never been on a forum as you can tell! Don't know how to get it to do what I want, sorry for the bold message.

@monstermash14 Our thoughts are the same as yours. He has 'chosen' a new name, however is still publicly identifying as a male and prefers us to use he/him pronouns at this time so as not to alert anyone else. Only 1 school friend and my husband and I know his thoughts as he feels he cant tell his siblings or others at this stage but is very definite about what is going to happen. After Christmas he intends to change everything as he believes by then he will be on HRT/Puberty blockers and have appointments for gender transformation surgery booked!!! I think this has come from the online chat. It is scary and very concerning.

For all the parents on here, this is a new organisation aimed at parents of gender questioning children. There's lots of excellent advice and resources that might help you all feel less alone:

genspect.org/

[quote MrsOvertonsWindow]For all the parents on here, this is a new organisation aimed at parents of gender questioning children. There's lots of excellent advice and resources that might help you all feel less alone:

genspect.org/[/quote]
Thank you.