NC as my normal account is very outing and this isn't my information to share openly.
Hi
Long story, sorry if I miss anything relevant.
I'm looking for advice on watchful waiting and limiting access to damaging sites/sources. Or, in becoming non GC if even possible. I'm also interested in understanding her ASD better so improving communication.
I'm not looking for advice on Mermaids or positive affirmation right now.
There are 3 intertwined issues:
- My DD has been self harming for 2 years and her school attendance has been haphazard. She struggles socially and doesn't maintain RL friends. As part of the DV escape from her DF, we all had to have psychological assessments and she was noted as having a very high score for autistic traits. She has always been high functioning, but as the teen years progress she becomes more socially withdrawn.
She is a very, very sensitive child and can pick up on others emotions. However she seems to struggle with how others may actually feel and it invariably becomes about the impact of those emotions on her personally. She struggles to speak to people, at all, freezing up and withdrawing, unless extremely angry, when she shouts.
For years now, I have had to communicate for her. This is an arduous nightmare of waiting for hours for her to speak a sentence and/or guessing the issue until I get a nod. As she gets older, this is frankly becoming impossible to navigate. I've asked if she can write it (then burn it if she wishes), talk to counsellors (there have been several), or ever draw pictures of her feelings. None of these are right apparently.
The cutting is at least 3 times a week and about 3 months ago, she admitted, when being told off by a teacher, that she doesn't care about her GCSEs as she would rather be dead. At this point I withdrew her from mainstream school as this was making it worse. 2 months ago she started at a pupil referral unit and has been doing half days. The whole house are nervous not to upset her, as noise or disagreement causes her anguish. She has 2 younger siblings 12 and 8.
- A few days ago it was obvious she wanted to talk, but couldn't. We sat for several hours, going through our communication struggles and between crying and getting angry, she told me that she is transgender. She knows that I am GC, so hence the nerves. I asked if she wanted to see a doctor for a referral, a Counsellor, or speak to someone who isn't GC. She refused all of these and told me she wants me to believe in it all. I said that I'm happy to support her in respect of pronouns/names, seeking medical help in a few months when 16, and that my love was unaltered by her revelation. This isn't enough for her and I have no idea what to do.
She has known that she is a lesbian for a long time, until her former girlfriend identified as a male. Now she states that she is pansexual. It's her sexuality and none of my business, so I'm not sure it is relevant, beyond the fact that I'm happy whoever she is.
I tried to explain why I couldn't adopt gender ID in the same way I'm not Muslim etc, I'm pro-women, but she can be anything, it changes nothing for me. It does for her, it's all or nothing.
- I have been signed off work for over a year with depression and anxiety relating to everything surrounding the DV, I have been suicidalthroughout and have a plan. I feel like she has to be my top priority, but I would be lying if I said the eggshells weren't affecting me and my other children hugely.
It isnt about me, I get that, but my most urgent thought right now, is that she would be better off if I was dead. So would my other kids. I swing from wanting to die, to wanting to run away, to wanting to put her in care (which makes me want to die again). I cannot talk to anyone about this as she is always listening. I want what is best for everyone and I don't want to keep letting her down.
She is again on the waiting list for CAMHS, she has attended once and pulled out, declined the second time to attend and now we await the formal assessment and counselling. If she doesn't refuse again.
What the hell do I do? Right now she won't even look at me, whereas before 2 days ago she was my permanent shadow.