13 year old son says he's Transgender

[WBNAS]

I originally posted this in relationships section but then saw this section (new to Mumsnet! 🤦)

I am looking for general support and advice from anyone who has experience of a similar situation.

My 13 year old son recently told me he wants to be a female, has chosen a new name. This has been a complete shock as I have seen no signs of this throughout his childhood. I responded in a calm and supportive manner, told him I would love him no matter what and that I'm glad he felt able to tell me how he's feeling. He's opened up a lot about what thoughts and feelings he has since last October and I've really tried to be open and honest with him, explaining that puberty can make us question our sexuality, gender and general purpose of self all of which is completely normal. I have not trivialised what he is saying but also not taken it as definite, which he seems to accept. I'm happy for him to experiment with clothing,, hair, painting nails etc but told him I feel he needs to let puberty run its course before deciding he definitely wants to be a female. I have told him for the time-being I can't simply change his name/pronoun and he is understanding of this. When I asked him to try to pinpoint how he began to come to this conclusion, he said it started with playing Minecraft online whereby his character had been accidentally put as female and his friends were laughing at it and he had a thought 'actually I wouldn't mind being female', it has progressed from there.

A little about him - I would say a typical boy, except not much interest in sport. Has a good circle of friends, some of whom he has told and are supportive. Has had one girlfriend age 12/13 for a few months. He spends a lot of time online animating and has actually sold commissions which is what he would like to do as a career which I am fully supportive of. He is very easy going and good hearted. I do find he can be a little sneaky e.g. going to bed then getting up when the rest of the house is asleep to go back online. But in general he has never given me any trouble at all.

I would like to know how anyone in my position has dealt with this. If I'm completely honest, I am hoping this is just something he is going through and will eventually pass, this is not because I am not going to be supportive and accepting, it's because I worry for what he is going to have to deal with in life and of course I want him to have the easiest life possible. My thoughts are that he may be influenced by things he's seen online? Is this a trend as has been suggested in some things I've read?

I want to reduce his internet usage without it appearing that I am punishing him for what he's told me. I want to trial whether coming away from the internet and the engagement he has with his followers etc will make a difference. However to set parental controls to no social media for example would block him accessing his animation account on twitter/youtube which would feel like a punishment to him.

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

There is definitely a lot of social contagion around at the moment, in his case it sounds like the idea has put in his head at a time when he may already have been confused about body changes, heightened emotions etc.
If this is really the first clue you have had of this then it seems even more likely that this could just be a phase.
I knew I was trans at a much earlier age.

It may not be though so it is important to make sure he is supported and feels he is believed.

As far as his own mental health goes I agree that letting him express himself at home would be fantastic.

If you are able to then maybe get him a few things to wear at home, use his new name etc and just see how he reacts over a few weeks.

You sound an amazing mum he is lucky.

@Imasoulman thanks very much for your reply. Literally seems to be out of nowhere aside from wanting to grow his hair but my partner has long hair and he looks up to him so I put it down to that. He really is the most typical boy you could meet, aside from his dislike of most sport. But I know that doesn't mean his feelings aren't real and that he may well continue this journey. The social contagion theory really seems to bed into the situation I've found us in. His texts about it seem so scripted and American, using language that is very different to how he would speak in everyday life. I have limited the internet even further for the moment so he can't access anything deemed unsuitable for under 13's, whereas I did allow social media but obviously nothing adult. Going to take it day by day and see how it pans out without the internet at play.

This could be useful to you OP.

There is a growing body of work into ROGD in girls but there is some for boys too.

Limiting access to the internet is a wise move I think and getting outside and away from screens will help him be grounded in reality in general. He doesn't need to have an interest in sport as such, other outdoor activities and spending time with family will just ease off any pressure he is feeling from friends, social media or even just internally.

With his interest in anime are you across all of what he is exposed together? There are threads in this board about anime and I would recommend finding out more as it's not always the innocent, age-appropriate stuff but something far, far more adult in nature and online gaming where chat is open is another 'portal' into some areas which could be influencing his ROGD.

This could help too.

https://grahamlinehan.substack.com/p/anime-and-gender-ideology?token=eyJ1c2VyX2lkIjo4NTI2NzY3LCJwb3N0X2lkIjozOTM4MDU2MSwiXyI6InhUS2lHIiwiaWF0IjoxNjI3ODg1OTE0LCJleHAiOjE2Mjc4ODk1MTQsImlzcyI6InB1Yi02NzMwOSIsInN1YiI6InBvc3QtcmVhY3Rpb24ifQ.rJymikfhRjBUgLxwCKbKqz1KL-FXjiniviRqzwDoLo&fbclid=IwAR21cnCH74TpyRbEJDDAawoo_FTtvPNElBicoLjWvd2dFZvrK54ab-YNExnQ

The anime stuff has alarm bells ringing for me. There's a poster on here somewhere who had terrible experiences with her children over things they were told online on anime sites, and it's a problem I've seen as a teacher too.
I think your response to be supportive, encouraging with experimenting with clothes, hair, nail varnish etc but not to make any decisions until puberty is over is exactly right. He may well turn out to be an effeminate male who loves nail varnish - encourage him and let him know that is wonderful, men can wear whatever they like! He might turn out to be trans (although with the sudden onset my guess is it's less likely) and will have had the benefit of properly exploring it and being able to experiment at home in a safe environment.
Definitely see if you can find out what sites he is on online though. Especially with the scripted texts, that sounds like he is being fed lines.

Oh my goodness this has really got me thinking. I just stumbled across this as my nearly 16 y/o DS came out to us a couple of days ago as believing he is transgender. This has pretty much come out of the blue, there were no obvious signs and he is also massively into computers, gaming and anime. We can't help thinking something or someone has influenced him.
I'd love to hear more thoughts.

Supporting him at home and allowing him paint nails etc sounds great. I would just be slightly mindful that this could be a pernament thing rather than just a trend. Maybe if he is able to express himself he will find himself comfortable as a boy; at this point just try to support him exploring this, rather than putting pressure on to try and stop it.

Coming out as Trans at that age is always especially difficult for the parents.

If there has genuinely never been any sign of this in the past then my gut feeling is that this is a phase.
Of course it's always possible that they have been battling with these feelings and emotions for years, also possible that you may have missed the clues.

Would your family dynamics mean that they could explore these feelings within the home?

I always think that clothes and at their age perhaps some make up to experiment at home with is a great and pretty harmless way to begin exploring.

Depending on how they feel, embarrassment level etc you could shop online together or they may feel more comfortable if you initially shop for them.

Clothes, names , pro nouns etc in the home are all good ways of living that life for a while without doing anything that can't easily be reversed.

This podcast might be useful for you. It’s by two therapists that work with gender questioning teens.
podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/gender-a-wider-lens-podcast/id1542655295?i=1000518306741

OP this is not the best site to ask for advice, it is not a very trans affirming place. I can suggest a few useful resources if you PM me. Just for the record, though, ROGD isn’t a real phenomenon, so please don’t go down that rabbit hole.

Wishing you and your DC the best x

Quite true that MN is not a trans-affirming site. MNetters on the whole are more concerned with safeguarding. With protecting children from grooming and consequently making choices that could harm them or be irreversible.

Whether or not ROGD exists (a strange thing to say, given that it is exactly what the OP is describing) it is known that the majority of trans-presenting or gender-id-questioning children will desist by the time they become adults. Therefore it is sensible to allow them to explore their feelings without making any commitments.

It sounds like you are already approaching it in a very sensitive way and your child obviously trusts you. What about having a look here: bayswatersupport.org.uk

Hi, Just wondering a few years on how did this turn out? We are going through a similar thing with our 13 year old boy.
Not sure what approach to take. Thanks

hey! i'm a young trans person here happy to answer questions over pm if you want. just letting you know that mumsnet can be a pretty hateful place and to be cautious of advice you receive here – a lot of poster can be transphobic and many don't believe that kids can be trans so take it all with a grain of salt. you seem to be handling the situation well and i hope you and your kid continue having open conversations!!

Second time I've had to post this today: do NOT trust bayswater. They are a covertly transphobic group who lead people into conversion therapy. There's investigation from the Bureau of Investigative Journalism here. PLEASE read it if you're thinking of contacting them.

https://www.thebureauinvestigates.com/stories/2024-07-02/one-day-they-may-thank-us-for-that-abuse-inside-the-bayswater-support-group

All the best

@TheEarlOfLemongrab2 That 'article' was written by two authors who interestingly have not written any other article for the site. Suffice to say, it is highly suspect and highly biased by trans activists/cultists. Bayswater offers a lot of help to parents whose children are in this grip of this dangerous social contagion. It has been an invaluable source to parents in helping keep their children safe.

If you are going to ignore detransitioners and their story at these gender clinics, WPATH Files, Tavistock testimonies, the respected Mayo Clinic who says puberty blockers (and cross sex hormones) are irreversible and cause enormous health issues such as Osteoporosis in your 20s, arrested development of the frontal cortex/intelligence, narrow spinal cord, genital atrophy and urinary and faecal incontinence and the numerous articles those in the know have written, such as Gender-Affirming Care Is Dangerous. I Know Because I Helped Pioneer It.’ ) https://www.thefp.com/p/gender-affirming-care-dangerous-finland-doctor ) then we can do the same, especially when it's a dubious article by clear trans activists with an agenda with no other articles to their name on a journalism site.

Also Stonewall UK is a very dangerous organisation who have/are pushing advice that is against the law, and call gay people "Sexual Racists" if lesbians don't take 'lady cock'. No one worth their salt, no matter which side you are on, would ever advocate Stonewall. Advising against speaking to Stonewall is the wisest advice to give. That you have an issue with that shows you have an agenda and that agenda is not to help children and youth.