DS wants to be a girl

[btw0]

I've name changed for this in case this is outing from my previous posts.

DS is 13, almost 14. He's always liked ‘girly’ things even though nothing is ‘girly’! His hair is also currently long. His dad (I'm not with him anymore) hates that his son is 'girly’ and has long hair and even tried to cut it and DS is currently refusing to go to his dads. He's also in a friend group of just girls and he's never fitted in with the boys (he's told me).

DS is currently at my mums and I went into his room to get cups etc and a piece of paper fell on the floor, it said things like, he wishes he was a girl, he hates his body, he'll never be a real girl and how his life would be better if he was a girl. I noticed that the paper fell out his notebook so as I was putting it back in, I noticed there's a lot of things like this so its obviously been going on for a while.

Do I speak to him about it when he gets home? Or pretend I haven't seen it? I just hate to think he's been thinking these things for a while and no one else knows.

Personally I probably wouldn’t mention it as I wouldn’t want to open the flood gates at this important stage in his development. Do you feel like he is progressing through puberty as expected or do you think there’s a chance he has managed to access puberty blockers online? If there’s any chance he might have got his hands on medication unknown to you I’d definitely want to be having a conversation about how he feels.

His voice hasn't dropped yet, but he is getting taller so I'm not sure! I'm just worried about him especially as it seems like he's been feeling this way for a while as his notebook is almost full and he's not written about any other things, but I obviously didn't read everything in it.

Personally I’d be exercising lots of caution in how you proceed. I’d be wanting to be extremely supportive whilst also making sure I was very clued up in the trans movement and the possibility of him being caught up in an ideology that down the line could have negative health implications.

It sounds like he is an effeminate male. That’s absolutely fine. He may be a straight, effeminate male. He may be gay. He may genuinely be trans. But at his age I don’t think he has the mental capacity to know which right now. That’s why many people believe we need to support the children in waiting. Get them through puberty and then supporting their life choices thereafter.

I'd talk to him as he shouldn't keep those feelings to himself as it could affect his mental health especially if he wrote that he hates his body, that's worrying when a teenager writes it!

I agree with other posters here, in these times of social contagion it best to proceed with a certain amount of caution.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't do anything though. If this is just a phase or he is genuinely trans he will need your help and guidance.

Is it just the two of you at home?

I think you need to find a way to broach the subject, of course I have no idea how he would react if he knew you had been reading his notes, that would have to be your call.
Maybe you can use his hair as a way to start to gently brooch the subject.
Offer to brush it or tie it up on a hot day and see how he reacts, how keen he is.
Point out some pretty clothes and in a light hearted way say "oh its a shame your not a girl that's really pretty"
Anything like that where you can get a conversation going.

There may be some embarrassment on both sides but he will be much happier if he feels he has you to turn to.

He is lucky to have you, I would have given anything to have my mum onside at that age.

Would you allow him to explore these feelings at home? Would he be able to?

@FreeBritnee

Personally I’d be exercising lots of caution in how you proceed. I’d be wanting to be extremely supportive whilst also making sure I was very clued up in the trans movement and the possibility of him being caught up in an ideology that down the line could have negative health implications.

It sounds like he is an effeminate male. That’s absolutely fine. He may be a straight, effeminate male. He may be gay. He may genuinely be trans. But at his age I don’t think he has the mental capacity to know which right now. That’s why many people believe we need to support the children in waiting. Get them through puberty and then supporting their life choices thereafter.

I understand the wait and watch approach but unfortunately that isn't the perfect solution, for the genuinely trans waiting until after puberty is devastating. It leads to all sorts of problems and hurdles in later life. I wish I had the perfect answer to all this but sadly I don't

Could you invite him to go get a manicure with you? Both men and women can get manicures after all, although men prefer a more natural look.

If he starts a dialogue that's great, but if he's not ready he can always decline.

The note doesn't say he is trans though, he expresses a wish to be a girl but also knows he cannot be one - if he is a young teen who fancies boys he may well see life if he were a girl as being the easier road than being gay.

Imasoulman how well did not waiting till after puberty work for the trans woman whose experience was documented (Jazz?)

I would find a way to broach it but don’t tell him you’ve seen the note. I think it’s important he has someone to talk to about it and feels validated and loved by a parent especially if his dads not on board with it as he could be worried about what you’ll think too...god knows how you broach it though! I just think it’s a lot for a young teenager to carry.

It might just be a phase of feelings during puberty or it might amount to something. I very much wanted to be a boy when I was a child, all my friends were boys, I hated my mum putting me in dresses, hated girly toys, shaved barbies hair off, cut my own hair etc etc. I’m now quite girly and also straight (not that it would matter if I wasn’t) but just goes to show how thoughts and feel fs can change.

'Maybe you can use his hair as a way to start to gently brooch the subject.
Offer to brush it or tie it up on a hot day and see how he reacts, how keen he is.
Point out some pretty clothes and in a light hearted way say "oh its a shame your not a girl that's really pretty"

Or, you could point out that men can wear their hair any way they want, in fact loads of 'manly' men tie their hair up or back
and he can wear anything he likes there's no such thing as 'too pretty'
The whole idea that boys and men have to conform to certain looks is what has led to this mess....
as a PP said he can be 'effeminate' (hate that word) and straight OR gay, either is fine but, as he knows, he can't change sex.

Maybe he just thinks "the things I'm interested in would be acceptable if I was a girl".

Its fucking awful that kids cant be allowed (by society I mean) to like what they want, wear what they want, without it having to mean something.

It's like we have devolved.

@StillWeRise

'Maybe you can use his hair as a way to start to gently brooch the subject. Offer to brush it or tie it up on a hot day and see how he reacts, how keen he is. Point out some pretty clothes and in a light hearted way say "oh its a shame your not a girl that's really pretty"

Or, you could point out that men can wear their hair any way they want, in fact loads of 'manly' men tie their hair up or back
and he can wear anything he likes there's no such thing as 'too pretty'
The whole idea that boys and men have to conform to certain looks is what has led to this mess....
as a PP said he can be 'effeminate' (hate that word) and straight OR gay, either is fine but, as he knows, he can't change sex.

You really don't understand what being Trans mean, putting your hair up or wearing a pretty top is not the "cure", wouldn't it be wonderful if it was that simple.

I suggested those things simply as a way to open up a conversation with him.

When he says that he will never be a real girl, perhaps that is just him thinking that it will happen for him, not that in his mind it is impossible.

Anyway in my humble opinion the op and her son have a very long way to go before they should even consider anything more than a little freedom to express himself at home.

@Lifeinthelastlane

Imasoulman how well did not waiting till after puberty work for the trans woman whose experience was documented (Jazz?)

Do you think anything would have been different regarding her surgery if she had been forced to wait then? The problems she had were awful but its not an easy journey for anyone. You need keep her story in context, she is making a living out of documenting every minute detail of her journey, the bad bits probably get more clicks and likes than the wonderful happy life affirming moments.

understand the wait and watch approach but unfortunately that isn't the perfect solution, for the genuinely trans waiting until after puberty is devastating. It leads to all sorts of problems and hurdles in later life

For boys who haven’t gone through puberty, the damage of transitioning is well documented. They will not produce sperm so won’t be able to father their own children. They will retain a boy’s penis so if they go so far as to want a neo ‘vagina’ created won’t have enough penile tissue to do so, just like Jazz Jennings is finding out. They will not experience sexual pleasure.
If they are some sex attracted, who will be their partner? The vast majority of gay men don’t want relationships with transwomen. Straight men mostly don’t want relationships with transwomen.
The challenges faced by either sex when they decide to transition are massive needs life changing. They’re certainly not reversible.

@Soontobe60

understand the wait and watch approach but unfortunately that isn't the perfect solution, for the genuinely trans waiting until after puberty is devastating. It leads to all sorts of problems and hurdles in later life

For boys who haven’t gone through puberty, the damage of transitioning is well documented. They will not produce sperm so won’t be able to father their own children. They will retain a boy’s penis so if they go so far as to want a neo ‘vagina’ created won’t have enough penile tissue to do so, just like Jazz Jennings is finding out. They will not experience sexual pleasure.
If they are some sex attracted, who will be their partner? The vast majority of gay men don’t want relationships with transwomen. Straight men mostly don’t want relationships with transwomen.
The challenges faced by either sex when they decide to transition are massive needs life changing. They’re certainly not reversible.

Why cut the end of the quote off?

I clearly said I don't have the answers !

One size fits all solutions are just not out there, wait and watch works for some but not all.

@Imasoulman

In what way does that watchful wait approach not work? GIDS stated that over 95% children diagnosed with Gender dysphoria ended up not transitioning, generally once they had gone through puberty, and generally came out as gay.

[quote Soontobe60]@Imasoulman

In what way does that watchful wait approach not work? GIDS stated that over 95% children diagnosed with Gender dysphoria ended up not transitioning, generally once they had gone through puberty, and generally came out as gay.[/quote]
I would be interested to see those figures, do you have a link ?
Assuming that 95% don't transition that still leaves 5% who would have benefited from early intervention, or do they not matter ?

Of course the majority who don't transition need protecting but the 5% still need help.
As I said I don't know the answers, I wish I did.

Watch and wait as directed by the NHS. Studies have found that there can be many reasons for identifying as something else. Autism, abuse, parental gender stereotypes, pubity, trauma, peer pressure, being gay and so it’s likely to be one of these or genuine gender dysphoria (which is quite rare). The most important thing is not to push him down any route and instead give him time to work things out. Having long hair, wearing pink and being with girls doesn’t make him a woman, lots of boys do these things. Boys shouldn’t be confined to the gender stereotype of wearing blue, liking football and being with men

There Swedish study was very interesting. It showed mental health post transition didn’t improve

My DS is a similar age and has always had a preference for all things typically thought of as feminine.
He has never actually said that he wants to be a girl but I the older he gets the more I wonder.
I don't know how to have that conversation so I just wait.
Like your DS he keeps his hair long, he has always had the freedom to dress and present how he wants around the house.
I think if you can find a way to talk it would be beneficial to you both.
I wonder if having the chance to explore these feeling in the safety of his home would help him.
As a pp said there could be some akward moments but hopefully you can both get past them.