Found messages from dd saying she is 'non binary'... help!

[alliefreeman]

I was looking through my daughters phone when I found messages to her friends saying she was 'nonbinary'... I haven't asked her about it but I'm very confused... I looked it up and Google says it means a gender that isn't male or female... how can this be possible? Is she not female? I'm confused... please send help..
MNHQ deleted name

You and many others!
In short there is a belief (which not all share) that we have a 'gender identity' unrelated to our sex. That gender identity can be anywhere along a spectrum of male to female, with non-binary anything which doesn't fit those two.
She's female but believes her gender identity is non-binary.
Personally I believe it's a load of navel-gazing twaddle. At best it's harmless, at worst it means a child desperate for hormones and surgery, and an entire health system which agrees with that approach.

Why have you put your full name on there???

I’d ignore it, it’s emo teen bollocks that hopefully most of them will grow out of without being mutilated.

A bit like we grew out of black hair in greasy curtains or raving with dummies in our mouths.

Did you mean to put your actual name in your OP? You might want it to report it to MNHQ and ask them to remove it.

The non-binary thing? We’re all non-binary. No-one is a living, breathing stereotype of one gender or another. It’s just a way of her saying she’s got her own personality - they’re all doing it these days. It honestly means nothing and you don’t need to worry about anything.

Did she know you go through her phone?

Hi everyone. I'm very sorry for putting my name in the OP, I didn't realise we weren't supposed to. Thanks all for the advice. She's had many 'fads' like this, so I'm sure she'll grow out of it. She knows I go through her phone sometimes as I'm worried that her friends are a bad influence - she told me one was 'trans' and believed she was a boy. It's crazy what kids come up with these days...
Allie

Hi, I think we have a similar problem. My daughter told me her friend is 'genderfluid' and wants me to call her by 'they/them'. Can anyone explain? Is it another made up gender by teenagers? Thanks.

@gemmaxhartley

Hi, I think we have a similar problem. My daughter told me her friend is 'genderfluid' and wants me to call her by 'they/them'. Can anyone explain? Is it another made up gender by teenagers? Thanks.

This is more ideology. If talking about them. They don't want you to use he or she instead use they/them.

Sadly not just teen things. It's been ramned into acceptance by trans charities.

They want children taught all this from nursery age.

Ignore it. It's a bunch of woke rubbish and a phase that will pass.

We're all non-binary and gender-fluid unless we adhere to a very narrow idea of sex-based stereotypes.

The whole ideology of gender needs us identify very closely to stereotypes.

IE; I'm a woman, ergo I'm interested in womanly pursuits and clothes. Tits, heels,makeup, hair, sexy stuff.

IE; I'm a man, I wear trousers. I'm interested in mainly stuff. Electronics, tech, maths and shirts.

It's all bollox. I'm a very womanly woman who wears a tux and works in tech.

Ergo, I guess I'm non-binary in modern parlance.

But I'm actually very female.

My daughter is too. Apparently.

My 14 year old daughter as well , she came out to me at 13 and now says she’s non binary too and wants to be called Alec .,,

i’m trying to stay relaxed about it , but DH finds it very difficult …

@ShrikeAttack

We're all non-binary and gender-fluid unless we adhere to a very narrow idea of sex-based stereotypes.

The whole ideology of gender needs us identify very closely to stereotypes.

IE; I'm a woman, ergo I'm interested in womanly pursuits and clothes. Tits, heels,makeup, hair, sexy stuff.

IE; I'm a man, I wear trousers. I'm interested in mainly stuff. Electronics, tech, maths and shirts.

It's all bollox. I'm a very womanly woman who wears a tux and works in tech.

Ergo, I guess I'm non-binary in modern parlance.

But I'm actually very female.

Pmsl

Love love LOVE how you have listed "tits" as a womanly pursuit!

So funny!

DD (17) has a non binary flag on her wall and I reckon probably gets her mates to do the whole they/them thing. She knows I’d just laugh in her face. She’s not a stupid child and I’ve been very clear on my thoughts and feelings about the whole ideology.

I’d never be nasty about it, but unless someone comes up with a definition of non binary that is more than stereotyping I’ll continue to believe it’s navel gazing bollocks.

I would be very concerned indeed if one of my children said they were non-binary as it can be a stepping stone to being trans.

And if a child thinks they're trans, they risk being guided by well meaning but ill-informed teachers and youth groups - or by content online, onto a path that leads to irreversible body modifications that will leave them potentially sterile, a life long medical patient with some serious health conditions, removing their breasts through surgery and possibly with physical barriers to forming functional sexual relationships as an adult.

Here is an article by a teenager who got caught up with trans ideology through Tumblr (but it's everywhere online). It gives a good insight to how this ideology can take hold in a teeenagets mind, and how unhealthy it is.

4thwavenow.com/2018/03/12/baptised-in-fire-a-relieved-desisters-story/

Does she spend a lot if time online? Does she do any activities that are sporty, or outside or that use her body?

I would worry that being non-binary could be a sign that she hates her body and is disassociating from it (it may well not be, but this would be a concern).

I've noticed that young desisters and detransitions sometimes say that using their body in activities away from the computer helped them hate it less and develop a more healthy relationship with it.

I have 2 teens. There is a lot of talk about gender identity at the moment and it seems that hardly anyone of senior school age wants to admit to 'just' being male/female. The messages they are getting from social media etc (and often school) is that as pp said, we all have a gender identity that is unrelated to our sex and that signs of gender identity are basically what I would refer to as stereotypes. Given that they all seem to accept this as fact it's hardly a surprise that most of them consider themselves non-binary- because I don't think anyone fits completely in to one of the stereotype boxes.

With mine I am having gentle discussions (so as not to be dismissed) about how gender identity and stereotypes are linked, and why this might not be such a good thing. I'm subtly leading them to the idea that perhaps without stereotypes they could just get on with doing whatever they want without having to worry about what 'box' they fit, and that maybe that would be more freeing and authentic.

If I were you I'd also be monitoring what groups etc they are following on social media.

Yes it means they don't think they are a girl or a boy. It's a fairly common thing nowadays and is nothing to be worried about.

I think, contrary to popular opinions on this site, that confrontation is the best way to deal with this. Do so in a gentle and kind manner so that your child feels comforted. If you want to find out more about how they identify and "gender concepts" that may seem strange to us, perhaps ask your child to explain how they feel? That way you can get a clear picture of how best you can support your child, whatever their gender. We went through this with max last year and now he says he is a demi-boy??? (used to be a girl). I get a little confused sometimes and I have NO idea what it means but I just try to call them what they want to be called. I only want my son to be happy, and after all times are moving forwards and maybe we should too ;)

Oh okay, thank you. This seems too confusing.

@lindaB1978, I presume when 'Max' was born the midwife told you what sex your child was?

You say that 'Max' identifies as a 'demi-boy' and this confuses you. I'm pretty sure it confuses 'Max' too. How old is Max? A teen I imagine. Why would you as a woman, a mother, with many years more experience of the world than Max, accept this odd classification that your child has chosen for themselves?

Time itself always moves forwards, but ideologies don't. The Renaissance and The Enlightenment existed because there were ages of bleak adherence to bonkers ideologies before them.

Don't blindly assume that human progression is linear.

Peaks and troughs, ages of stupidity, social contagion of crazy ideas is as old as humanity. Times are and always will be moving but don't think they are always moving to betterment.

It behoves you to be aware, not to knowhow. Ask why, question, accept nothing as cant.

I’ve said this before I’m 55 soon and when I think back 40 years to the 007 obsessed 14 year old, I loved 007 didn’t fit in, I thank god I’m not that 14 year today, I’d be labelled trans. Today I live in jeans t shirts, hair short got 007 tattoo, Tardis, Darth Vader , but also love sparkly things, my nose stud, I do feel for teenagers now I really do. Even my husband started now he’s just brought a T-shirt saying Bi bad ass. ( Yes I know he’s bi). Can’t wait for the questions on that one.

I would just ignore and move on - teens seem to be under huge pressure to label themselves these days. DD1 tells me 98% of her school are not straight and/or identify as one of the gazillion available gender identities, that strikes me as somewhat out of kilter with the general population and I suspect as they grow older some will be gay, some straight, some bi and some might forget which gender identity they labelled themselves as in 2021.