Sleepovers

[FarAndAway456]

What do you do about sleepovers with your gay or bi young teenagers? My (well under 16 year old) Dd has implied that she is bi and her group of friends at school all seem to be interested in LGVT+ issues. She has a newish friend who I don’t know well but she spends a lot of time talking to her (normal girl friend ship hopefully) and she is going for a sleepover. I worry that there could be temptation to try things that they are not ready for.

If she has a new friend who was a boy I would not be allowing a sleepover. My Dd is quite secretive and I don’t really see how I can approach a discussion about it without her being angry. I can also see it’s not fair that a bi child could not have a sleepover with their friends. But how do you know who is a friend and who is a girlfriend if they don’t tell you.

Anyone with experience of this sort of situation who could advise?

Hi, in in a very similar position but DD is quite trustworthy so think (!) she would tell me if she was romantically interested in her friend. Interested in others' opinions.

I wouldn't link it to the sleepover, but quietly bring up saying to your daughter that she doesn't have to do anything she isn't ready to do or feels uncomfortable doing. I would say not to take photos with no clothes on as others people can keep them and use them in horrible ways.
Apart from that, they will do what they will do somewhere, if not at your house then they'll go to the park or something. As long as you have talked to them about safe sex and consenting to do anything.

I have the same problem, it's a nightmare really. My DS wants a sleepover with someone who has been his friend since they were small. They are seeing each other but their parents don't know! I can't tell them even though we are friends. I just keep saying no (covid has been a good excuse) but it's going to get so awkward soon. If he was straight I wouldn't let a girl stay over so to me it's no different (DS is 15).
Im struggling to cope with it all, being gay is no problem, we've talked it all through and been there for him but changes to existing friendships are really difficult, also I find all the pronoun stuff difficult if I'm honest.

@littletinypeas that's tough, what age are they? Is it the other parents who keep asking? Could you have a frank discussion with the boys and let them know why you're saying no, so they stop asking?
I spoke to my DD about this yesterday and she was very mature about it and said that it made sense and was fair. We talked about honesty and trust too. She was fine with it (though isn't currently seeing anyone so maybe that makes a difference in her understanding).

In a similar situation. My dd1 (12) has talked a fair amount in the past about being gay/bi/bi-curious and this seems quite common in her friendship group.
She had a sleepover planned last night with a friend, but on Thursday night told me they were in a relationship (in a slightly drip-drip round about way). I said it was fine, but I've been worrying about it.
She won't let me tell my ex-husband so I can't get his take on the thing (do I tell him anyway?).
We have a good and honest relationship, and I think she's not really interested in anything sexually - she told me she doesn't really know what to do! - and I'm inclines to want to trust her, but I know I'd feel differently about sleeping at her boyfriend, or possibly even a boy friend.

Just because your child is bi, doesn't mean they will want to be with everyone they meet.
Please don't keep them from sleepovers, abd that doesn't just go for bi kids, that goes for all kids in my opinion. After all, if something happens, they are at the home of a fellow parent. If are that concerned, talk to the parent about having them sleep in a living room or with the door open. Trust me, knowing that someone can walk in at any second should discourage any risky behavior, and if it doesn't then that means that they would have found a way to do it, sleep over or not. But chances are nothing will come of it and it'll be a night of games and snacks and gossip and movies

It’s my son, sorry!

I just have a no sleepover rule. It's just our family culture and we dont have them at all and wont in the future. That way this wont be an issue in the future.

I'd look at this through a safeguarding lens. If your 13 year old daughter tells you she's in a relationship with a boy, then you wouldn't allow a sleepover. Same should apply to same sex relationships.

OP, howw we did you resolve this? I have a similar dilemma. Dd is just 17 and has a close friend - lives away - who is 15. She is coming to stay over when her parents are visiting friends nearby. Dd told me it is her girlfriend, they spend hours chatting on videos.

We discussed the under age thing, and if it was a boy I probably wouldn’t let them have a sleep over. I also asked if her parents knew, as I felt a bit uncomfortable as dd was older and she was only 15. Apparently she has told her parents she is gay. I dint know if she has said dd is her girlfriend.

I’m torn to be honest. Nothing wrong with a sleepover, DH thinks it’s purely friends as Dd doesn’t want to tell him she’s gay, but I just keep thinking I know!

We have a spare room, but don’t expect it to be used. Dd said they aren’t ready for anything serious, but I said to her that sometimes that’s seaside said than done.

I have no idea if I should be concerned, worried or just go along with the ‘they’re just friends’ thing.

I’m also worried if DH finds out and says I’m being too lenient on letting them stay together.