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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Choosing gender identity

14 replies

Mumandagain33 · 23/05/2021 12:33

I posted on here a few weeks ago about how my daughter aged 13 had come out which was absolutely fine - but then my shock to find that almost her whole friendship group had all come out at the same time. I monitor her phone messages so see all the chats. They’ve now been pressuring each other to decide their gender identities and there seems to be a bit of hostility towards being cis gender. She hasn’t announced what she is yet - a few weeks ago it was definitely she/her but it seems like she’s toying with the idea that on some days she feels more masculine and wants to wear more boyish clothes so thinking she is more fluid - I have seen the word ‘Demi girl’ used in her messages. Now I am all for people using the pro noun they feel comfortable with - but the level of discussion about it on this group, and the research they are doing online, and the fact that they are all just going through puberty and mostly feeling quite yukky about being girls and having to have periods and grow boobs etc. Maybe I’m not being very articulate here but this is working against my wish to be open minded and liberal about it. I remember hating getting periods and all of that, I mean who likes it? Some days you want to wear baggy ‘boyish’ clothes and cover up. I’m trying to get my head around the idea of deciding that on those days you are not actually a girl and might not want to be known as she because of it. So while in theory I agree with the idea that people should be able to choose their gender identity - I’m not sure about this thing with whole groups of girls putting pressure on themselves to define it in a particular way. And when I say girls, I mean that I’m not seeing big groups of 13 year old boys having these discussion but talking to friends with children of similar ages it seems to be happening with girls across girls schools, mixed schools, state and private at this age. What is going on?

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 24/05/2021 07:36

I see it as a social contagion, similar to eating disorders (pro Ana, 'thinspiration') and your DD's friendship group sounds like a prime example. The number of girls 'transitioning' and all they have to endure or try to escape from (media, social media, sexualised advertising, porn) points to that.

I recommend Abigail Shier's Irreversible Damage.

Can you have a chat with your DD about peer pressure? Even if it wasn't about choosing a 'gender identity' this isn't a healthy dynamic for girls of any age to have to deal with.

InspectorHastings · 24/05/2021 13:59

Seconding Irreversible Damage! It's over thinking and dangerous IMO. Express yourself however you wish. But girls are girls. That's not said to constrain them in anyway, it's just fact. My DD started like this, seemed harmless exploration, now 6 months later she identifies as male, trans, and is starting hormone treatment ASAP.

OhHolyJesus · 24/05/2021 17:50

Inspector I'm so sorry for your DD. I'm so very desperately sad for all our daughters. I'm sure you have tried and she will not be persuaded. The effects of long term synthetic cross sex hormones are not all known and the known side effects are not good, none of it is good.

Thanks for you.

eeyore228 · 24/05/2021 18:06

We are having a similar issue. My DD has just turned 12 and came out a few months ago. She delayed telling me or DH because she has the idea ‘everyone’ is homophobic. We had a long chat and educated her so she understood that yes ‘some’ people might be. Reassured her that we were not and wanted her to be happy. She went on to tell us it's important to experiment. I have since established from several friends that their daughters too are in relationships with each other. The use of language at times is bizarre and she broke down last week telling me the pressure was too much. I'm all for ensuring equality but there seems to be a darker element and I hate that my DD feels such pressure.

FelicityPike · 24/05/2021 18:26

I’m a TransAlly and I’m fully supportive of people making the best of their lives by transitioning, BUT this all just sounds wrong & very concerning.
Sorry I have nothing to say to help you here. I really hope it all works out for you and your child.

Leafstamp · 24/05/2021 20:41

This sounds hard and I’m sorry to those going through this with their children. I agree with it being a kind of social contagion in many instances.

You may find this site useful:

www.transgendertrend.com/

Mumandagain33 · 25/05/2021 12:23

Thanks all and particularly to @eeyore228 and @InspectorHastings I am sorry you are experiencing this too and to different extents. It has just been such a shock and way more so than just finding out DD was bi which is a non issue as far as I’m concerned - she’s now learnt to delete her group messages so I now can’t see what’s being discussed, maybe better for my own anxiety levels!

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 25/05/2021 12:58

If she's now keeping things from you I would be more concerned. I don't think ignorance is bliss in this situation.

Does she pay for the phone? If you pay for it you own it. I know parents who apply a 5 sec rule, the child unlocks the phone and hands it over so has no time to delete anything. Failure to do so means the phone ends up in immediate confiscation for 24 hours. No time to tell friends, no access to chat.

Aside from tightening up your parental controls for internet use which I'm sure you're doing anyway, but you could also limit phone access.

I realise this will be very unpopular at home and others would disagree, though I am not in your situation I have seen something very similar with a 13 yr old.

For her sake I would watch more and apply harsher rules than doing the opposite.

But she is your daughter but mine and it's easy for me to give such advice on the internet's

SirVixofVixHall · 25/05/2021 13:05

I feel really uncomfortable with children labelling themselves with a sexuality, long before most of them have any sexual relationships.
Normal for children to confuse admiration and attraction when they have no experience and have not even completed puberty.
Then the gender issue...Where to start ? I agree with pps that this is a trend, but unlike most other teenage trends it can end up with girls damaged for life.
I have had long chats with my teenagers about the damage of “gender” the sexism and homophobia underpinning it all, the money being made on the back of this.
I find it very depressing just how many parents think they are being kind by accepting the trans trend.

beatrice14 · 25/05/2021 16:16

Hi OP, you sound really supportive to your dd re the coming out, and I would agree that her interest in gender stuff is a bit worrying. It implies that if you wear boyish stuff you aren't a proper girl, which is really stereotyped. It seems to be a sort of trend, online esp, and many schools back it up - a classmate of mine (I'm Year 10 at a girls' school) thinks she is agender and my school enthusiastically show us the stuff like the genderbread person, which doesn't help. Perhaps that happened too at your dd's school?

SirVix, It seems that 'sexual' part of 'bisexual' is misunderstood to mean only sexual attraction, while due to heteronormativity straight children can just say 'I like/get crushes on boys/girls' , not 'I'm heterosexual', which might sound a bit strange. Sexuality does sound a bit misleading but it includes innocent crushes too - e.g.heterosexual kids get straight crushes. And if the op's dd had a crush on a boy, you wouldn't say perhaps it's confusion between admiration and attraction or that it's 'labelling'. Anyway, it doesn't matter if a child who will grow up lgb has a straight crush as a phase while a teen , so why should it matter vice versa?

Italiangreyhound · 27/05/2021 23:27

It's all very worrying.

Branleuse · 27/05/2021 23:29

Honestly for most of them its just a phase. Try not to stress

stressfuljune · 27/05/2021 23:36

I'm very suprised by how much of this seems to be going on. My 11 year old is a total sport billy, never wears girls clothes etc etc . I'd be annoyed if people suggested she wasn't a girl to her.. she a very health girl..

stressfuljune · 27/05/2021 23:46

I should add I have a friend whose child has been adopting the other gender for the last 4 years, more & more. I am not sure if that child will ever transition or find a way to be happy in his / her own skin. But I'm happy thx child is happy.
Totally driven by the child from age 6. But for most children this isn't the case and nor should they be pushed that way.

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