very worried - son has come out as trans to his friends

[squirreltricks]

Hello, I am new to this subject.
My son, 11, left us a note 5/6 weeks ago saying he might be bi or non-binary and was not sure about his sexuality, but had been too shy to tell us directly. This came as a bolt out of the blue, we had no reason to think he had gender identity issues and he has never behaved durng his young childhood in a way that is untypical for a boy. However we thought, perhaps he is bi or gay. I spoke to him and said I loved him and wanted him to be happy but he was very young still and he did not need to make these decisions yet .

A couple of weeks later I learned that his cousin has asked to change their name and identify with a 'they' pronoun. This was about the same time as my son's note. He is close to his cousin and I had noticed they spoke often on whatsapp and shared a hobby, but I had tended to think it was a good thing that they had this relationship.

My DH spoke to our DC about his gender issues, including covering the topic of being trans, but DC assured him that he did not feel this applied to him.

Yesterday another mother (whose child showed her a chat including my child) showed me messages in which my child came out as trans to his friends and said he wanted to be known as 'she' and [girl's name].

I am so upset about this. So sudden a decision in a child who is still at primary school seems wrong to me and I am worried by the speed at which things have moved. I realise that my response is supposed to be simply affirmative, and DH favours this approach. I think I will have to go along with this approach, but it feels very diffcult and I do not feel it is really right.

DC probably has ADHD but there is at least a 2 year waiting list to find out. There may also be other autistic traits, but again, it's a delay of years to be diagnsed in our area.

I am looking for advice/support from other parents who have experience. Thanks for reading.

Listen to him and keep calm. Tell him he is quite right to explore all the different feelings that he has, that puberty is a strange time and to ride the changes that are flooding around. Don’t tell him lies -he can ‘change sex’ or that he was ‘born in the wrong body’, tell him you will love him who ever he loves and however he presents himself.

Try bayswatersupport.org.uk/ as support for you.

Thank you MrsWooster, I will look at the Bayswater resources.

I'm so sorry squirreltricks - it is so hard. Love your child, look for advice away from your child. I hope you will come through his with your child in a good way.

This is always going to be a very difficult thing to deal with there really are not any one size fits all answers.

As has been said puberty can be a very confusing time, especially right now.

My gut feeling is that you have a very good relationship with your child, one where they can share and be open.
My personal experience tells me that your child would have shown some Trans tendencies in the past.
I think you would have seen clues.

I knew I was Trans (well I knew I was different) from a very early age, it didn't just hit me at puberty.

I think watch and wait is the best advice here, help with any requests but don't necessarily encourage.
Keep things within the family circle as much as possible.

Has your child asked for girls clothes or anything?

There was a mum on here not long ago with a DS just a couple of years older than yours going through similar, unfortunately she was pretty much hounded out as she dared to be affirming.

Please do not blindly affirm him. He is a boy, and that is that. Simply ask him why he thinks he is a girl, or what it is about being a girl that speaks to him.

I would also be very careful about what he is accessing with his cousin/friends. Anime and hentaii porn is strongly linked to transgenderism in boys.

Both of my boys have claimed to be trans. Both around age 15. I spent 4 years on and off suicide watch with my eldest son before he snapped out of it and find he was a gay man. I'm now going through it with my youngest son. On year two of it and is no easier this time around than it was the first time. My sons are both gentle young men and they hate the whole "toxic masculinity" culture and wholly reject it. Basically, if that's what being a C man is all about then they want no part in it. So they must be female right? It's taken many discussions but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with my youngest.

I am very concerned that at 11 years old and still in primary your child is already exploring his sexuality. Ask my kids one at that age was gay means you like the same sex people. I would strongly suggest that you take a really good long look at his search history and tighten your security as much as possible. Ban him from Reddit, discord and set up super strong security so he can't access any porn at all.

DC probably has ADHD but there is at least a 2 year waiting list to find out. There may also be other autistic traits, but again, it's a delay of years to be diagnsed in our area.

Do you have the resources to go privately with this? There is a huge overlap between children who have autism and children who believe they might be trans, and getting more insight and professional support into the ADHD and/or autism side of things could give you more insight, and a deeper ability to support your child.

Quite honestly, I really don’t think Mumsnet is the place to really share this. What @Imasoulman has relayed re another poster being hounded out for being affirming does not surprise me in the slightest. There is an element on here who are quite militantly transphobic.

My DD1 is pan sexual and came out at 15. She lives in Brighton, is very active within the LGBT community & politics and has many trans and gender fluid friends. I do completely understand why you feel upset because it does turn all your expectations of the kind of life you expected DS to lead upside down and I know personally I went through a kind of mourning (which as a liberal I felt upset with myself for feeling). The best advice I can give is be supportive but he’s 11, encourage him not to put any labels on himself just yet. Take him seriously but tell him not to box himself up into one thing or other, one label or the other till he’s experienced more of life. Watch and wait I think is very good advice from the PP.

My experience from DD1 and her friends is that labels at 11, 15 or even 25 can change. At 15, DD1 thought she was definitely a lesbian, at 26 she is pan sexual and in the last 3 years has had relationships only with biological males. One of these is gender fluid, largely presenting as a woman when they met but very recently wanting to present a lot more as a man, Her long term girlfriend from college and her early twenties is now a trans man who is undergoing surgery.

At the end of the day, what’s really important is that they know they are loved and supported. Don’t be hard on yourself - it is perfectly fine and completely normal to be upset. Just let him know you are 100% there for him, will listen but not to go boxing himself up into one thing or the other yet till he’s lived more of a life. If he does decide he is trans in the long run , let him know that’s fine and you’d support that but suggest he keeps possibilities open for a while yet.

I’m not sure how useful my post has been to you but my best wishes!

Aged 9 or so I knew I was a boy

I amn't

But it took more than a decade to resolve in my head

And today's culture may make that resolution harder

What helped me?
Unconditional love from parents

Parents who supported me to do what I liked , so a dad who spent loads of time with me in the garage. Who spent loads of time in school , challenging their implicit sexist assumptions. Are there aspects of your child's interests and likes that are considered feminine ?

An understanding that some people are just sometimes downright nasty , narrow minded people , and those are people you should not value or have much to do with

Unconditional love... you are just perfect as you are. Other people are jealous of you.

squirrel

Mumsnet does have other parent’s going through similar things, lots of them post on the FWR board but i think the lgbt parents board is seen more as a supportive board. So imasoulman post does surprise me but maybe it wasn’t on this board

I hope someone with more experience of having a trans child comes along soon 💐

support you son/daughter lol

Good places for learning about issues involved include Transgender Trend, if you want to find out more so you can support him. I think knowing he is loved no matter what is really important, aand being shown and told that he can explore all the "feminine" things he's drawn to without having to become a girl or a different person in any way. Knowing that if he decides later in life to make longer term changes then of course he can, but giving him lots of space to explore what makes him think he's a girl, gently find out who else he's talking about it all to (where is he reading and talking about sex and gender?) and ensure he has access to a wide range of perspectives. Lots of affirmation that there are loads of ways of being a boy or a man, that it's fine to be a boy and fancy other boys etc. The gender roles available to kids now are ironically so much more narrow than when I was growing up - hyper sexualised women, hyper macho 'ripped' men and if you don't match that then you must be trans. Such a shame

Look, in all seriousness, your child needs your support. No matter how much you don't want this to happen, I don't care, that is YOUR child that you've lived since the moment they were born (at least I hope so).

Research about this topic or talk to other trans people to get help on this situation if you're struggling. Just reassure your kid that you will always accept your kid no matter what.

@candicecandice I'm not sure if you meant to come across this way, but your post is very judgemental. OP comes across as very supportive of their child (there are different ways of being supportive depending on what you believe is in your child's best interests).
The capital letters, and passive aggressive 'at least I hope so' kinda imply you think otherwise.
OP you sound as though you have your head screwed on, don't ignore your gut when it says something is wrong.

Where did you get the statistics about hentai and anime porn? I'm worried for my children, one of them got called "him" by her friend.