"Trans" DC(11) - feeling very stuck

[LarryVeest]

DC(11) has been gender non-conforming from a very early age (toddler), strongly preferring stereotypically feminine clothes and toys, playing mostly with girls etc. DH and I have mostly just gone with the flow (DC is youngest of three, which means we've seen a fair bit of mild and/or fleeting gender-nonconformity in our other kids and their friends, plus we're generally not a very gender-fixated family...not much pink vs blue stuff etc).

Anyway DC11's gender nonconformity has gained momentum, and over the last year has been called she/her by school friends. DC has asked DH and I to also use female pronouns, and after many months and numerous conversations we've started using "they". They understand why we're doing this (trying to leave things as open as possible, as they are still developing physically and mentally. We are aware that 80%+ of gender nonconforming kids eventually become settled in their biological sex).

Anyway, things are now escalating further, as they have requested that the teachers use female pronouns and the head has recommended that they follow DC's lead on this. I have been trying to get an appointment with an EdPsych for months, and have been told today that a) we can't discuss it with an EdPsych without DC's permission (previously DC has refused permission! They just want their preferences to be responded to without discussion),and b) the EdPsych doesn't cover gender fluidity. They've sent me a link to LGBTYS's guidance for schools here: www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/media/1344/supporting-transgender-young-people.pdf

Reading through it, my mind is boggled. How can we (parents and teachers together) provide DC with the support they need if we can't talk about it? DC will be starting high school in a few months and it seems that with zero discussion, DC will be referred to a a girl, will be entitled to use the girls' toilets and changing rooms, and stay in the girls' dorms for the occasional residential trips (and that other parents would not be informed).

I am completely torn about this. On the one hand I firmly believe girls and women should have access to single sex spaces (aka no penises). I also think it's so wrong to unquestioningly usher a gender nonconforming child down a path that might be difficult to come back from. I don't think my DC can possibly understand the implications of this well-meaning affirmation, and that the preferable path in life is to feel at ease with your natural body. I think every effort should be made to supportively explore how this might be possible.

On the other hand DC is now so "feminine" that if there's no "third space" available (such as residential dorms) I don't think DC or the boys will be okay sharing a room. It also seems wrong to insist on the teachers calling them he (or even they?! I don't know!)

I also have to admit being a hypocrite tre: my above statement about single sex spaces as when I take DC swimming they come with me into the ladies "open" changing room and they then go into a cubicle. DC wears a girls shorty swimming suit and would definitely be mistaken for a girl in the men's changing room. They are small for their age, so easily mistaken for a 9-10 yr old (there's the occasional boy of that age in the changing rooms). Obviously this is now getting to a point where I'm finding it harder to justify.

I'm really not sure where to go with all this (other than my therapist!). Anyone in the same boat?

It’s very hard.

We’re not in the same boat, but I have a friend who thinks her son is about to “come out” as trans or non-binary, and we’ve discussed it a lot.

I think in your shoes I would:

• keep explaining to your DC that it takes a long time for people to be totally sure how they identify, and it’s ok at any time to decide they do want to be treated as a boy or non-binary. It’s normal and natural to experience these feelings. For some people they stay, for most people it passes over time. They should never be afraid to change their mind if their feelings change.

• explain why some women and girls would be unhappy about sharing facilities or dorms with somebody who is biologically a male. This is a tough one, but I think you need to explain women’s experience of sexual assaults and harassment. Explain that his feelings about his gender are important, but also other people’s feelings about their safety and privacy are important. So he needs to think about how he can use the most appropriate facilities in a way that is respectful and avoids making the girls feel uncomfortable or afraid.

Good luck with it all. It’s a hard time to be a parent to somebody who is gender non-conforming.

It's a very tough situation and you have my sympathy. We have a trans identifying person in the family. Older than your child, nearly an adult.

I think in your shoes I would encourage your DC to allow you to discuss with any professionals about the situation for the child's benefit.

I'd also seek support for yourself. I have a lot of support and it helps. PM me if you wish to.

It sounds like you are a thoughtful and supportive parent, which is the most important thing! I would echo what has been said above, but also don’t be afraid to challenge school. They should not be socially transitioning your child without your input: the NHS gender service does not recommend social transition in the first instance as it can have unintended consequences. School absolutely must not do it without discussion!

Just re-read your comment about pronouns. Just because your DC is feminine-looking, this doesn’t mean they aren’t a boy. There are many ways to be a boy. My only concern about changing pronouns is that it cements things and makes it difficult to go back. It sounds like you need support though as you don’t want to cause distress. Have you looked at transgender trend? I don’t know whether you will agree with their take on it but they have a lot of guidance.

https://bayswatersupport.org.uk/ was set up by parents in your situation. I'm sure they will be a good source of advice and information re your child's transition to high school. You won't be the first parent in this situation

Good luck - it sounds hard

@Marcia1989

Just re-read your comment about pronouns. Just because your DC is feminine-looking, this doesn’t mean they aren’t a boy. There are many ways to be a boy. My only concern about changing pronouns is that it cements things and makes it difficult to go back. It sounds like you need support though as you don’t want to cause distress. Have you looked at transgender trend? I don’t know whether you will agree with their take on it but they have a lot of guidance.

I agree with this. A friend’s daughter went very swiftly through the trans process and tragically had a double mastectomy at 17. (Not in this country), so I feel strongly that buying time, and allowing children to properly mature is really important. I would show your child images of men happy in their non conformity, glam rockers of the 70s, eighties pop stars etc, and explain that you can’t change sex, but there are all sorts of ways to be and live .

I think you need to seek advice on how to keep an eye on what they access online. There are a lot of echo chambers that might feel like supportive understanding places to your dc, but could be persuading them (orcould do so in future) that they arebeing harmed by not seeking medical treatment. I have no advice on how to manage the online side, but in your situation, I would definitely be seeking it.

I agree with the PP about limiting internet access or what can your child can access through chat groups.

Along with Bayswater you could look at Genspect and, if you can afford it, seek private counselling with them or Thoughtful Therapists.

You can of course talk to your own child about anything you chose, you won't be able to engage and learn and support if this subject is off-limits, I think it is crazy to suggest to a parent that they cannot talk to their child about this. Schools should not be overstepping like this. Do you know who is behind that guidance? Children should not be encouraged to keep secrets for safeguarding reasons.

When you are talking about it you can reassure your child that they can talk to you about anything, there is nothing that needs to be kept secret or will stop you from loving him and accepting him as he is, and that he can't change into a girl but he doesn't need to be a 'type of boy' to be a boy.

If this school or the next suggest that your child can use the female changing facilities and toilets I would ask how they will protect your child from potential bullying or uncomfortable situations, if (realistically, when) girls feel uncomfortable they should be able to say so and your child should not be at risk of accusations or bullying.

If you can, get ahead of this before he starts high school as it could make for a tricky start and only 'affirm' when he is clearly exploring different feelings. If it was me I would make it very clear to both schools that nothing, no pronouns or name change, no 1-2-1 sessions or advice should take place without my express consent. I would also ask to see PHSE materials and find out exactly what will be taught around gender/gender identity as this could only solidify something that is currently 'fluid' for your child.

More help could be found at Safe Schools Alliance.

Sorry I have just seen both James Morton and Stonewall Scotland on the supporters list of that guidance as well as Scottish Trans.

If you search any of those terms in Mumsnet you will find out more about their influence in schools and the agenda they have, including the connection with female prisons and their aim to remove single sex spaces.