Femboy/BDSM

[ConcernedAndConfusedDad]

Hi, I've name changed for this, although I haven't posted for many years. My son is 14 and came out to us a bi last year; we were fine with it of course, although a bit surprised as it was out of the blue and he was already in a 'relationship' with a girl. She, and seemingly the majority of their friendship group, identify across the LGBTQ spectrum (par for the course in schools these days) and she/they are now non-binary but not out to her parents, who we don't know. They self harm and have mental health issues.

The 2 boys in the circle are now heavily interested in being 'Femboys'; dressing up and looking cute/non threatening for the girls. I'm 99% sure my son is CISgender, and I know teenage experimentation is normal. But I worry that this is being accompanied at such a young age by BDSM influenced language - him being 'sub' to his partners 'dom' etc, She's 13, he's 14 and I don't think it's appropriate to be looking at a lot of what, to me, are fetishistic images of teenage boys pretending to be female. I worry where this will lead. To me, it's part of the pornification of childhood and I find it borderline misogynistic.

I've tried to explain to him that there are ways of being male that don't involve being macho (I'd consider myself pretty gentle) but that being an ally to women and girls doesn't have to mean changing yourself. I do check his phone occasionally (hadn't for months until recently I became concerned about this relationship) and from their messages it looks like his partner is pushing for him to go further with cross dressing etc. despite the fact that they've only just started kissing. He is eager to please her, uses nauseatingly cutesy language to her alongside this sub/dom angle, but says that he 'worries about dysphoria'. He's excited to dress up for her. He's never shown any interest in this kind of thing, was never the kind of boy to dress in his Mum's clothes. He's not sporty, is gentle, but very much a boy. He knows I check his phone and that I'm worried about this relationship and all it entails.

I'm trying not to overreact as obviously his hormones are all over the shop, he's found a friendship group that he feels happy in, and if this is just playing around the way we used to I'd be OK with it. But the internet seems to bring about the connection from being a feminine boy to porn, BDSM imagery etc and it makes me deeply worried that 14 is way too young to be potentially setting a course for a lifetime of fetishism and unhealthy relationships.

Any thoughts welcome. There's not a lot about this particular subject from a parents perspective out there. I feel if I approach the 'partners' parents I'd be breaching their trust in my son, and potentially setting off a terrible chain of events. I just feel they're all messing around with things they're way too young to understand.

I would be concerned too OP, has your son used words such as sub and dom? I'm guessing this is in messages between him and his girlfriend?

Do you know what he is watching and has access to, have you got parental control of his devices?

This sounds hyper-sexual and very inappropriate for his age, and for hers frankly. It certainly isn't healthy. If the girlfriend is initiating this then I would be worried for her as well to be honest.

Where does the dysphoria come into it?

I recently added parental controls, like I say when he first got his smartphone we always told him we reserved the right to check his internet use etc. for safeguarding. Private browsing is disabled. He was looking a lot at reddit threads on the subject where boys post selfies in cross-dress but which aren't actually showing anything explicit. They see it as supportive, but it's also presumably a magnet for people other than the teens themselves...

The language between them is more sexualised than explicit as I'd describe it. So using sub and dom to mean the partner being more 'male-dressed' and him more feminine. Tying that in to him being 'vewy pwetty' for them etc. But he knows this is 'kink stuff' as he describes it. I don't like where this could lead in terms of fetishism at this stage of his development. I think he's mentioned dysphoria as a buzzword he's picked up from the internet, rather than anything he's experiencing, but it's why I'm wary of where this could lead.

I'm not saying the girlfriend is to blame by the way. I haven't the certainty to be able to say that. But they (and the wider group) are egging each other on.

Thanks for the reply @OhHolyJesus

I would make a safeguarding call to school if I knew a 13 year old using such language. That’s way beyond normal 13-year-old interest and hormones. I would worry she was being groomed by someone much older and I would say that it was essential to make a referral and hopefully protect her.

I'm relieved to hear that it's it sounds like it's coming more from discussion boards than watching porn directly but you're right, I think, about it being a magnet.

(Of course you don't know what the boys who are cross dressing are watching and where their influences are coming from.)

It's a worrying issue and only share this to be useful. I've been listening to it in the evenings but find it quite difficult so have been taking breaks.

I share with a two disclaimers :

There is some worrying and adult only content

This looks specifically at what academics are teaching so not directly relevant to your situation with your son but it could be useful to watch as someone has taken a deep dive into this area.

I also don't want to share other more explicit links. There is no end of 'sissy porn' and related videos on the internet. For young teens it is deeply, deeply concerning as to what they can be exposed to. If it was me I would shut down all social media but I don't have a teenage boy to parent in this way.

(I too would put a welfare safeguarding call into the school for the girlfriend. I don't blame her either but if this is originating from her, there could be more going on than your son, you or the school would be aware of.)

Thanks. Will take a cautious look - this stuff makes me queasy.

The other child is at a different school and tells my son she is self-harming and has been suicidal in the past - I believe the parents are aware. I feel I have to tread very, very carefully as my preferred outcome (them not having contact and closing down this avenue) could have unintended harmful consequences with my son. But of course I am mindful of my responsibilities to both of them, despite my never having met her.

I am sorry to have to say this, but your last update has made me even more firmly of the view that you need to call the safeguarding lead at the girls school and report this. This behaviour shouts inappropriate grooming and her self harming and suicidal ideation or strongly suggestive of childhood trauma linked to sexual abuse. Her parents may be aware, but may not of put everything together. The point of safeguarding referrals is to allow someone to build a complete picture. Something has gone wrong with this child. She needs help. You are an adult who can see it. You have a responsibility to report her problems to the authorities who are then responsible for handling them carefully. You shouldn’t be trying to tread carefully when the situation has this many read flags.

Absolutely. My wife and I will be addressing this - I’m not minimising the situation.

Oh apologies just read mine back and it’s littered with typos - I dictated it rather than typing. Hope it made sense anyway.

This is extremely distressing for you and your wife OP and I imagine it is very difficult to decide on a course of action as you do not want to upset or risk alienating your son, and cause him to lose friends or his girlfriend, but like any parent you don't want him under undue influences if they are negative.

I have been trying to think of some useful resources for you and aside from bayswatersupport.org.uk who may be able to advise or guide you if not help you directly with this very specific issue, or www.stellaomalley.com who may be able to do the same, I am at a loss.

This may be something that could get worse if it progresses so I hope you find some support to hopefully nip this in the bud for the best possible outcome for your son.

Hi again OP, I'm hoping this will be useful and you have been able to find some help in recent days.

menatworkcic.org/2021/03/21/10-dialogues-for-boys-and-young-men-and-those-working-with-them/amp/

I wouldn't worry. A lot of young people including me when I was that age felt and were different in that what would now be regarded as vanilla relationships seemed to not appeal.

Instead of worrying, try to tactfully ensure he is aware of the importance of consent. Children, for whatever reasons: environment, genetics, upbringing turn out as they turn out and it is important to be aware that this may or may not be something he grows out of . If it is, you will feel better but if it isnt you risk causing some issues over something that is not perverted but different.

I am an atheist liberal but it is important to separate things that don't harm others from things that do.

This issue of self harm is completely different. It is important that children are helped. However, there is no logical connection between a harmful desire to self harm and an interest in consensual bdsm.

Also , regarding the accessibility of pornography, most of the teens I know probably spend 2 min checking somethinh they hear about at school. They see it , they think 'yuck not for me' and they go back to Fortnite, CSGo GTA etc..

Being heavy handed doesn't help. Make sure you teach your children about the existence of pyrography and why it may be dangerous eg IF if is showing non consensual acts, IF it features undeage children , IF it is actively promoting misogyny. However, the latter is point is controversial qs some people wouls say pornogrsphy is inherently misogynistic but id disagree.