When did you, or your dc, 'know' they were gay and how?

[JoyOrbison]

Hi everyone

I would really appreciate just general info about when and how you, or if your child is gay, knew you were gay.

My amazing, lovely, sweet 12 Yr old ds announced in very understated way on Thursday even g he is gay. He was making a drink, and while popping the milk in the fridge said "Er, I need to tell you something and I don't want you asking loads of questions or being really huggy, bilut I'm gay" and wandered off to the room. I just replied "Right, that's fine, that's, wow, I didn't see that coming but brilliant, that's who you are".

I've chatted a bit to him, he says he's felt like this a few weeks. He has a friend from previous school he asked hor help how to tell me, and the boy's parents have been in touch to check I was aware they had heard my son is his boyfriend.

So, all new territory to us, but ds is a little reserved Re chatting about this and I don't want to make him uncomfortable, so what I want to know to help me understand how he is feeling, is when others started to realise they were gay, what did they notice? How did they feel? How old were they?

I just want to be able to understand how ds will be feeling and how he knew he was on this new path in life, which is absolutely fine with me.
He isn't sporty, he is sensitive, caring (commented on a few times throughout primary how caring he is), loves reading, outdoors, he's ace, and I just want to make sure I can get my head round how he has Bern feeling.
Thanks

Buy him this, its fantastic and would have been brilliant to have when I was 12.

www.waterstones.com/book/yay-youre-gay-now-what/riyadh-khalaf/melissa-mcfeeters/9781786031914

Probably about 7/8, but I didn’t know there was specific word for it.

I'm bi. I preferred girls to boys from 4ish to 8ish, then boys, then girls when I was 13ish and finally when I was 14 I heard about bisexuality and a light bulb went on. It's great he has friends to talk to about it. It's great that you support him. He obviously doesn't want a big fuss made. Just practice saying the "right" things to yourself (boyfriend, husband, etc) so that when it comes up naturally in conversation you don't sound awkward or hesitant.
Otherwise just give him the book Simon recommended and leave him be. You've obviously got a brill relationship but he's told you what he wants and needs from you. He'll be ok and you're doing great.

Lovely, thank you both for replying.

To be honest I've always said things to him and his sister like "When you grow up and if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend" "If you got married, and it might be to a man or woman etc" so hopefully that might have helped him know he was OK to tell us.

I'll definitely order the book, thank you again.

One of my elder siblings is gay. When we were little (from when I was about 2 1/2, 3 and the typical 'when I grow up I will...'), I told that sibling that they would live with me and my hetero spouse when we grew up as obviously they would not get married.

The idea of my sibling being in a hetero relationship seemed as likely to me as our family relocating to Mars. I didn't know the word gay or that homosexual relationships existed until I was about 9. As a teenager, my sibling had many friends of both sexes and a fairly typical set of hobbies/past times.

One of my other siblings adored cross dressing as a child...and is straight.

Thanks Jeanne, all replies are great and I appreciate you posting.

Op, what you told your son was great! It's really good that he felt able to tell you. If only all parents of gay kids reacted that way. I don't think you need to do anything differently from how you would if he had a girlfriend- when he's older, boundaries, consent etc.

Well done, sounds like you handled it perfectly! DD1 (now 26) came out at 15 and honestly I was completely clueless. She was (and is) very girly and had had a small number of boyfriends at that point.

At 15 she identified as a lesbian and was with her first girlfriend for about 6 years. Since then she has dated both women and men (& in the last 2-3 years her relationships have both been with biological men although one was gender fluid). My experience then is that what they may label themselves in their earlier teen years may be subject to change & fluctuation. And quite honestly I really couldn’t care less who she is with as long as they treat her very well and make her happy.

And that’s honestly just the message to get across, we don’t care about the gender of who you date as we love you, talk to us about anything you want, let us know if you need help and date decent, kind people.

My two were 12/13 but had known for longer than that. They both came out to me, not their dad, but by that time our marriage was on the road to hell so that was understandable. Even though their dad was fine with it when he found out, our issues were not around homophobia.

It's tough though - some of DDs' friends were not able to be out at home, so when they were at mine that was a safe space for them.

DD2 is 18 now and has been with her GF for nearly 3 years - they're going off to separate unis with some distance (GF's mum has expressed the hope that her DD will 'meet a nice boy at uni' ) but I give the relationship a good chance of surviving. They're lovely together. DD1 is 20 and has no interest in dating anyone of either sex.