Not been on here in a long time, and never on this board, but yesterday my DS13 (almost 14) told me he does not feel comfortable in his body and believes himself to be a girl. He has felt this way for over a year and has waited to see if it's a phase before talking to me. He knows what he's experiencing is called gender dysphoria and wants his pronouns to be she/her.
It blindsided me totally, to be honest. He's still very much a boy to my mind. He's never been one for gender conformity, but he's happy enough in his body (apart from his deepening voice, which he says is the worst thing), he doesn't really want to change his clothing yet and doesn't seem to do other telling things, like peeing sitting down for example. He's never tried on my clothes or make up, even when he was younger and going through a phase (which he came out of as even by his own admission he wanted to be a girl "for the wrong reasons") he never wanted a dress or girly dressing up clothes. He still makes lots of "boy" jokes - genitals, toilet humour that sort of thing, that as girls me and my sister never really found funny.
He is autistic and has ADHD and I do suspect this could be playing a part in things. But I also know him that when he's made his mind up about something that's it (I couldn't potty train him, for example, then one day he decided he wasn't using nappies any more and that was that).
He has said he would appreciate my support in exploring things, has no idea what he wants the final outcome to be or whether he wants to change his body permanently and that he understands this could be an ASD reaction to puberty changes, but at the same time has picked a feminine name and would like to change pronouns.
I want to support him, as do the family members that know, but we are also wary of sending him down the wrong route by being too enthusiastic IYSWIM? In telling my parents yesterday I found out I have a trans second cousin (FtM) who only transitioned recently and very suddenly at only just 18 and we're wary of that, but DS pointed out that was 4 years away yet for him and lots could happen in that time. He's obviously further ahead on this path than we are but even he is still in disbelief that we believe and support him thus far. I think my main worries are that because of the ASD that as he doesn't feel like a stereotypical boy he's assuming he must be a girl. I suggested NB, gender fluidity and they/them to him but he is adamant that she/her feels right. I suppose part of me feels like he's already the weird kid and I don't want him to make his life even harder, although of course I want him to be happy in himself.
This is all very new and as a single parent with no involvement from exH I have to keep a tight reign on everything to keep both of our lives running smoothly. This is something I ultimately have no control over (his feelings) and my anxiety is through the roof as he's looking to me to be 100% on board and know what to do and the truth is I haven't got a clue!
He also says he's bi, but to be honest, that's the least of my worries as I'm bi myself!