Interesting day yesterday

[hillanddale42]

So, completely out of the blue yesterday, my dd aged 12 (yr 7) had written and gave me the most eloquent and beautifully worded letter which she asked me to read whilst I was there with her. It told me that she thought she liked both girls and boys and that she realised that this was called bi-sexual and so on and so on and had been feeling this way for some months. She said she didn't want me to hate her and hoped I loved her. I was so taken aback as I properly had no inkling, but as the letter was so long, I had time to compose myself and then gave her a big hug and tell her that it was really ok and I loved her and that this was a massively brave thing to do. I am so damn proud of her for doing this and we talked to a certain extent about it but I don't want to push her to over share. I hope I did the right thing by telling her that whatever decision she makes long term, is fine by us, she's our daughter and I love her, that she doesn't have to identify to anything and to keep it fluid and organic and we'll see where her journey takes her. She told me yesterday afternoon and since then, not in front of her, I have cried and cried. I took the dog out yesterday so that I can process the information alone. She doesn't want my DH to know or DS (a bit older) - they are both very lovely sensitive men but that is up to her. I suppose as I have seen written here on a few other posts, I am genuinely supportive but a small part of me wasn't ready for this so young and I think that seems to me to be the bit I am struggling with. I want her to have a childhood still and not to even be thinking about her identity, but conversely, I appreciate that this is something she is approaching faster than I had realised and is so much more the norm than it was in the 80's - I'm not that naive. She is tall for her age and developed and periods have already been in situ for a year. Like any new thing that happens in your life as a parent, we must also need to time to process and I suspect this is simply what this is? I don't really need any answers, just some support.......thank you

You did totally the right thing and you sound lovely and supportive.

It's totally fine her to think about this all now and yes it does seem young. My dd was 13 when she told me she was bi.

Hope all goes well

my daughter is also 12 and baked a cake recently with rainbow colours and "i'm gay" inscribed on it!
like you, i was a bit dumbstruck and felt a tad weepy- mainly as it all seems a bit navel-gazing for a 12 year old
i really don't mind her being a lesbian but i can't help thinking she's keen to nail her colours to the (?any) mast
she has a lesbian flag, too! all seems a bit tribal
we'll see how it goes- lines of communication are open and we've been positive about it as parents without going masively overboard (just in case she needs to back-track!!)
this time last year she told me she fancied a boy in her class- she now states that this was a cover
whatever the case may be, Op- at least our daughters are talking to us for now!

just want to say that it does sound as though you've dealt well with the situation and the way you feel is entirely understandable

oh my, thanks for the responses. At least, as we know, them telling us and talking is such a positive sign that they trust us to talk through the big issues.

Your DD is happy to talk to you, and that's an excellent sign. And you did the right thing by being supportive, whilst giving her room to explore her feelings, rather than fix them in concrete for all eternity. She might stay bi, she might come out later as straight or lesbian, who knows - and it doesn't matter, because she has you as a support whatever she becomes.

Great sign that she is willing to talk to you! I realised when I was 11 and suppressed it so hard that I ended up having a really rough time when I did actually have to come out 7 years later.

I wouldn't worry much about her being so young, it will still just be the innocent crush kind of feelings, but that is just the time when you realise that you're feeling a bit different than all the girls who are boy crazy!

Hi OP,

It sounds like you’ve responded very well, and assured her of your support.

I hope I can give you comfort by sharing an experience from the other side, as I was the child who knew I was bisexual at 12 years old (in fact, a little earlier). I promise I was still very much a child enmeshed in my childhood at that time. I wasn’t thinking about sex (like most children, still found the whole concept pretty gross at that time). It was just that when I imagined myself dancing at school discos, or walking along moonlit beaches, sometimes my partners were boys and sometimes they were girls. I didn’t consider anything more sexual than kissing, until I was in my teens.

I think people sometimes feel anxious about younger children talking about their sexuality because it can suggest they are thinking about sex. But ‘sexual attraction’ is a bit of a misnomer when it comes to kids - most heterosexual children aren’t fantasising about sex, they’re fantasising about romance and maybe kissing. The kind of safe stuff they’ve seen on tv. It’s the same for LGBT kids - they aren’t thinking about actual sex any more than straight kids. They’re just imagining romance with boys and girls.