Dd 14 just told me she's gay

[arewethereyetmum78]

Hi everyone, sorry total newbie here and just hoping I've handled this all ok. So I borrowed dd14 phone to Google something and she had a tab open about non binary. I waited a bit then asked her about it. She said she'd been watching something where a character was non binary and wanted to know more about it. Fair enough, I do the same. She then stopped but I could tell she had more to say so I just asked if she was non binary but she said no definitely not. She then volunteered that she wasn't interested in boys and admitted that she maybe liked girls. I've suspected for a while but never asked but have always let her know that I'm here if she needs to talk.

I just don't know where to go from here. Shes asked me not to tell dh. Her twin sister knows and her friends. I've sneaked off to the shower for a cry. Not because I'm sad or upset but I'm sad that her life is going to possibly be harder and I that she has been hurting and worrying about telling me and scared of her dad finding out. I just want to support her.

Sorry if this is a ramble but just need some views and support from other parents who have been in this position.

It's very nearly 2021. There's literally nothing to cry about in terms of her life being harder. Why is she scared of her dad? That's the thing you should be concerned about. How horrible for her that her dad is unlikely to accept it.

I think you handled it well. You could reassure her that both you and your husband will always love her and are proud of her and that this doesn't change anything and that it might be easier if her dad knew too, weight off her shoulders. Maybe order a takeaway or something celebrate her being able to tell you

I know. I did tell her it's 2020 and absolutely nothing to worry about. I think I'm upset because my uncle passed away having never told anyone he was gay and had a long term partner. Obviously different days back then but I'd just hate for her to live a life like that.

I actually have no idea why she doesn't want her dad to know. He is honestly such a laid back placid guy. Never given her any reason to not tell him. I think I'll let it go for a few days then broach the subject of telling him again. I can't not tell him forever

What parent gets involved in their child’s sex life anyway? I honestly don’t get the angst about this. Any person my child is in a relationship with who makes them happy and treats them well will have my blessing. But I don’t want to think about their sex love regardless of the sex of the people involved. Not your sex life not your business tbh and nowadays there is very little extra that is harder as a result of sexuality (perhaps getting pregnant is an exception! But at least you’ve not got teenage pregnancy to worry about!)

It was a long time ago when I came out and I was older than your DD. My mother said she went through a period of adjustment of the things she expected me to do (get married, have babies) was recalibrated, and then she was fine.

And being gay is harder than being straight, and I can’t imagine how hard it is being a young lesbian these days with all the pressure to actually be trans instead - it’s like lesbians are unmentionable.

Support her, keep lines of communication open, find lesbian role models to discuss with her, and make sure her father is supportive, or at least not hostile.

Oh god no I absolutely do not want to think about or involve myself in her sex life. I did think about the teenage pregnancy angle briefly as I'm definitely not ready to be a granny I've said to her that I'm happy if she's happy and that she makes me proud. I suppose a lot stems from having very homophobic parents. I'm no contact with them now due to other issues but spent my childhood and 20s hearing jokes about it and I suppose it has left me worried that she'll be judged by other people as idiotic as my estranged family

Don’t read too much into the “Don’t tell Dad” thing - she just probably doesn’t want to discuss it, it’s hard at that age to talk about anything sexual feelings related with parents but especially with a parent of the opposite sex. Yes, I’d leave it a bit and then say please could we tell Dad - he won’t talk about it if you don’t want to but better if he knows as secrets can be unintentionally hurtful if he feels you can’t trust him not to be OK with it.

She absolutely will be judged by people. I know I’ve been the comment of deeply unpleasant comments and “jokes” behind my back, though fortunately this happens less and less. You can’t protect her from this, it’s your job to prepare her for it - to be confident and live her life for her.

Thank you Hermione (dd is a Harry Potter lover!) Good to hear from your angle. I think it's partly the relief of finally knowing, coupled with the sadness for her of never having the life I'd imagined. I'm so glad she's been able to tell me. I couldn't even tell my mum I'd started my periods! I'm sure once my dh knows he will be supportive. He's never anything but and will just be happy if she is happy. I know she has friends that are gay so I'm hoping they are a support for each other

@WunWun Homophobia is still common. It's better to be realistic and acknowledge that a young lesbian woman will face barriers that straight women do not.

@arewethereyetmum78 You're doing everything right. She knows she can talk to you and that's the most important thing.

Tell her you are really glad you had this conversation and that the only thing that you and her Dad want is for her to only date and be in relationships with people she fancies and who treat her well - look out for red flags, have fun and make up your own mind. Tell her some gay people know their sexuality early on, and for other straight and gay people it's less settled until early twenties or evolves.

I agree that I do expect her to be judged by some people. 2021 or not. There are always going to be people that can't understand.

She is confident and has always been able to be who she wants to be and not followed like a sheep, not caring what others think. She doesn't follow everyone else's trends and has a great group of friends. So I'm hoping she will be able to cope with any negatives thrown at her

My DD is almost 13 she told me a few weeks she is gay, I said as long as you’re happy, you get treated right, anyone is welcome here with you, you know that, She said don’t you have anything else to say? Not sure what she wanted me to do? Hit the roof, call the priest? My family are catholic and gave my cousin an awful time so I have very strong views and arguments with them all over it, I called them all out at a family do over their behaviour and disgusting views. She knows I’ve got her back. If my DP even dared say anything to be unsupportive he’s be put in his place too.

She knows she can come to me anytime about anything, knowing they have your support is what’s important, both my children know they can talk to me about anything.

@ScrapThatThen thanks for that. Sounds good advice

@Spongebobsquarefringe so glad your dd was able to talk to you too. It must be such a relief for them to be able to talk. I do love my dd so much and I'm so proud of her. I just want her to be happy and treated well.

@arewethereyetmum78 shivers ran down my spine when I read your OP! DD2 was also fourteen when she confided in me, and is also a twin! And just like you I cried, because I was mourning the image I'd vaguely had of her future and re-adjusting to the new one. That was seven years ago. The older members of our family, even the ones who believe every word the Daily Mail prints, have actually coped really well. She has grown up to be a lovely happy young woman. Her partner is really nice, she and I often chat on the phone independently. She doesn't seem to have had to surmount any extra barriers in order to get started in her chosen career, which admittedly is teaching in the state sector and therefore not a traditionally male dominated profession.

Our DD was 12 ish when she told me that she didn’t like boys.
I said it isn’t my business and as long as she found an individual that is decent and respectful that’s about all that matters.
She is now almost 20 and has had relationships with boys as well as girls. My initial reaction stands though, as long as the person you are with makes you happy that’s all that matters

My son is the same age and came out to me last year. I know what you mean when you said you worried life might be trickier for her, but she trusts you and you've got her back.

Tell her you are so glad she has told you and you love her very much
. Take a week or two for you to calm down and get your head together .
By then she will be feeling more confident; the world didn't fall apart because she outed herself to a parent.

Then say to her something like " Poor dad ; it's sad for him that all the females in the family know except him and he's the odd man out. Families should stick together. Lets make a plan how to tell him together."

I think you've done well. FWIW my friends DD was "gay" from age c. 13-16 then he went to pick her up from a party and found her snogging a boy.

I'm not saying it can't be what she is, but it could be a phase too.

@BiggerTallerFaster please don't call it a phase, and say "gay" that's so patronising! I came out to my friends at 14 and at the time I was very much only attracted to girls/ women. I had my first girlfriend at 17 and my first boyfriend at 18 and I am 36 now and married to a man. I don't feel the need to label myself but if I was I would call myself bisexual. I told my mum at 17 and she didn't accept it which made me really sad actually. I'm so glad you are being supportive of your daughter

[quote Heartofglass12345]@BiggerTallerFaster please don't call it a phase, and say "gay" that's so patronising! I came out to my friends at 14 and at the time I was very much only attracted to girls/ women. I had my first girlfriend at 17 and my first boyfriend at 18 and I am 36 now and married to a man. I don't feel the need to label myself but if I was I would call myself bisexual. I told my mum at 17 and she didn't accept it which made me really sad actually. I'm so glad you are being supportive of your daughter [/quote]
I only called it "gay" because it turned out my friend's DD wasn't gay at all, so for her it was a phase.

@WunWun

It's very nearly 2021. There's literally nothing to cry about in terms of her life being harder. Why is she scared of her dad? That's the thing you should be concerned about. How horrible for her that her dad is unlikely to accept it.

How utterly clueless you are - homophobia is still a huge issue in modern society.

As a gay woman those who think homophobia doesn’t exists in 2020 are sadly very naive. The fact is her life IS going to harder as a result. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing but it’s the reality unfortunately.

People are always baffled when I say I would be upset if my children are gay, much for the same reasons as you. I don’t want them to go through what me and my partner do on an almost daily basis if there is any other option. I’d obviously support them all the way as you are. I think you handled it well x

My identical twin sister is gay, I'm married with kids. We both live fun fulfilled lives.