Really need advice about 11 year old "trans" DS.

[WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]

DS has been "gender non-conforming" from a very young age (essentially since he could express a preference re: clothes, toys etc). We've tried to just let him do his thing, not deterring him from his preferences, but not making it a big thing either.

Over the last year or so, it's been getting more difficult. He's developed a friendship with a couple of girls who are very "affirmative" of him "being female". They call him "she" and they're all "sisters" to each other. The school have requested meetings with me on several occasions to ask how to support him best in certain situations. Eg they wanted to know if he should join the girls in a girls only confidence-building initiative, and then a few months later wanted to know if he should join the girls in their sex ed group (a space where they could talk on more detail about periods etc). My answer to both of these things was that he shouldn't go with the girls, and that they could perhaps have some extra chat with the boys about inclusivity, and how it's fine to be a boy and express yourself in different ways etc. Long story short, the school didn't really go along with this, and DS ended up having extra info about periods.

The school have now sent an email asking for another meeting as DS has asked to be referred to in school with female pronouns. I asked DS about this last night. Apparently the teacher had said something like "come along now, mister", and he'd said "I'm a miss".

We ended up having a long chat with DS last night, which was a bit fraught at points. He wants us to call him "she" and got really angry/upset when we wanted to actually discuss it (rather than just go along with his wishes). I'm basically very worried that if we go down this route, he will inevitably end up wanting surgery/hormones etc. We spoke about that last night, and he said that yes, that is something he wants one day (he was really upset/fraught about articulating this).

I'm really at a loss. I want to keep the lines of communication open, but I think he sees us as being the bad guys, whereas his friends and teachers are falling over themselves to "affirm" his female gender identity. I'm feeling so frustrated that he can't just wear/play with whatever he wants, without feeling like he has to "be a girl". I also want to find a counsellor for him, but I'm worried that they too will be of the strongly "affirmative" approach. I really just want him to know that he has other options, if you know what I mean?

Okay, thanks, Italiangreyhound. We've made some progress, in that I've found at least one (and possibly two) therapists for him to talk to. DH and I have decided to try and sidestep the issue re: pronouns. DS is somewhat onboard with us mostly avoiding using he (or she!), and using his more gender neutral nickname (his full name is usually only pulled out of the bag when I'm being stern, anyway!). Obviously the ongoing challenge is to ensure that he's feeling 100% accepted by us, without affirming his beliefs about gender.

It was interesting reading through the other responses in here, but I didn't really recognise some of the co-factors some of the posters described. He's always been quite popular, mostly with female friends, but a smattering of boys too. And he doesn't really have any autistic/aspergers traits.

I've been delving more deeply into research about gender dysphoria in children, and the ethics of "treating" transgender children. It's fascinating stuff, and in a way comforting to read how little certainty about it all, even among the experts.

WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead I am glad things are OK. Your son sounds like a great kid.

Please do get some support for yourself. It is so helpful to have a space to process this stuff away from your child.