Handled my son coming out as trans very badly

[Earpig]

My son is 15, he is autistic. He has struggled hugely with anxiety and depression for the last couple of years and began medication about 6 months ago.

I had suspected he was gearing up to coming out as a trans as he asked for a particular razor to remove all his body-hair for his birthday, and also came out as bisexual.

He attends an ASD unit and went into school and came out as trans, name, and preferred pronouns (female). The school inadvertently told me. They said he was buzzingly high and had been very happy and chatty about how it was the best day of his life. I had intended to wait for him to announce it to us when we wanted but I'd found some dodgy stuff on his PC and just asked him directly.

The conversation did not go well, although I have no issues with him dressing however he wants, nor the name or pronouns, I asked about toilets and he said it would be women's. (He doesn't actually go anywhere for this to be an issue, the ASD unit has a unisex toilet). We'd previously had a discussion around trans and sports and he said I was a bigot and far too concerned with other people's genitals, I had not questioned the bisexual coming out so why the trans etc. He said he is trans because he feels so uncomfortable with his top off and how his body looks.

It all got rather upsetting. I have spoken to him again and said I only want him to be happy but I'm concerned he has been groomed and this is not actually going to be the fix for his depression that he thinks it will be.

Everything I look at seems to suggest we should go along with this, he has an upcoming psychiatric review and I'm worried they're going to refer to the Gender Identity Clinic route etc.

Any advice on what I should be saying/doing?

I feel like I have completely messed this up.

I dont think you are handling this badly at all, it's a hell of a tricky situation.
Unless you are 110% positive that your child is trans how could you possibly know which is the best route to take.

My own gut feeling is if there has never been an indication of being trans up until now then you should proceed with caution.
As I understand it trans people know they are different at a very young age, of course there is not one rule for everyone but puberty and teenage years can be confusing for anyone.
Sexual and gender identity are easily confused during these years, even the desire to be popular, different, to gain some attention can manifest itself in all sorts of ways.
My own DS also a teenager now loves to dress and spend time at home as girl but has shown this tendency since he was around four.
He has never expressed a desire to actually be a girl though, so you can see nothing is really black and white.
Good luck with this it will be interesting to see where this goes.

Slowly does it... hold your line, accepting that he can be any gender that makes him feel happy but that sex can’t be changed (if that is your line!). www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ Can be very useful.

My youngest came out last week as wanting to be male, I’ve not seen much indication however did think they would be a lesbian from other indications. No huge dysphoria around the body aside from the breasts which I remember from that age too, I’ve arranged some counselling so that it can be explored fully in a safe way.
Unless going private the wait for gids is currently 2 years long so plenty of time.
It’s really difficult, go easy on yourself.

Thanks all

He can't stand to be looked at to the point he no longer attends any mainstream lessons and that's also why outings are restricted to grandparents (when not in lockdown). Though now he's out as trans he said he is feeling so happy he thinks he will be able to go to lessons etc again.

He is very self conscious of his chest, was supposed to have ECG to check heart for his medication, but freaked out at being topless.
He said this was the trigger to him to start exploring trans.
He was askance that his dad has never been comfortable to be shirtless. It all feels very scripted - trans have been discriminated against for years, trans are real, stuff about cis women etc

I can't help but think he will be genuinely stared at if he starts trying to dress as a girl, and that he's constructed an idealistic view of his things were be. He has shown poor understanding that coming out to his ASD peers might mean they tell other people.

I have already had an email from school using the "new" name and I'm surprised how crap it made me feel.

I know it's my son's feelings that count more btw, I'm just offloading. I'm in touch with a specific parent support group.

I'm going to be holding my breath throughout the psych review, last time he wouldn't fully engage so everything was relayed through me (zoom appt) but I wonder if he will jump on this to start the GIDS stuff.

Earpig it's all so tough. I am so sorry. Try and be kind to yourself and be kind to him. The wait for child services is now about three years. So even if he does go for an appointment he won't get one yet. Plenty of time to think it all through.

Can you just be supportive outwardly and refer to your DC by the pronouns they want to use? I disagree as a clinical counselor with the previous poster about saying they're whatever gender they want to be but not sex. Why rub salt in the wound?

The amount of kids I've counseled in and out of school that are trans that are suicidal because Mum and dad disagree or think it's a phase is distressing. The most important thing I think a parent can say, whether they believe it then or not, is "I love you the way you are. I will always support you and have your back. You are worth loving." and address them how they'd like to be addressed.

@Rtmhwales

Can you just be supportive outwardly and refer to your DC by the pronouns they want to use? I disagree as a clinical counselor with the previous poster about saying they're whatever gender they want to be but not sex. Why rub salt in the wound?

The amount of kids I've counseled in and out of school that are trans that are suicidal because Mum and dad disagree or think it's a phase is distressing. The most important thing I think a parent can say, whether they believe it then or not, is "I love you the way you are. I will always support you and have your back. You are worth loving." and address them how they'd like to be addressed.

Unconditional love and support is not the same as colliding with fantasy /magical thinking: we do not collude with other dysmorphias /dysphorias. Op’s child may well grow up to identify as trans (tho >80% desist) and an honest, compassionate, real response will help them to prepare for a healthy adult trans life, accepting their trans-ness while avoiding delusion.

Colluding!

I don't think it's a phase as such, I think he is struggling with a lot of of issues and it's a complex situation where he is seeking an obvious fix. I totally understand this desire.

When he was 11/12 he believe that he had a Scottish accent that he had inherited from my mum. Now, he absolutely does not have a Scottish accent but he also doesn't have the regional accent for where we live. He has a “posh“ accent. He later decided it was a Scottish/German mix.

I think this illustrate how his autism leads him to conclude things that aren't true.

I do not want to alienate him, but nor do I want to collude in a path that isn't the right one.

He actually doesn't want to be out at home as he doesn't want his siblings to know.

He asked us when he was 10/11 to stop telling him we loved him as it made him feel very uncomfortable and finds the notion awkward.

Your poor kid; autism is a hard ruler. You started this thread saying you thought you’d handled it badly but what comes across is your intense love and support and your child will benefit from that whatever the future holds. Please make sure that future therapists are prepared to explore all roots of identity distress-to unconditionally affirm gender issues is to ignore all the things you mention above.

We had the psych review. He did not want to share his female at school identity stuff. I think possibly the school might have been in touch with the psych already though, as he asked DS some questions I felt hinted at it. "Anything going on at school you want to share" dS said nothing about it.

I then spoke to the psych alone and explained. Psych was actually very reassuring, he said he wasn't a GIDS specialist but it sounded like DS is using the female persona to act differently to what DS is known as. As the female character is outgoing, engaging, kind etc. DS is a miserable sod who sits in the corner rolling eyes and tutting at everyone!

He understood why I was worried and said to keep close watch on his internet etc and to safeguard him from that side.

We're at a bit of a crossroads as before all this we were looking at moving him to a therapeutic school. But now I feel that would possibly be too affirming and maybe he needs to keep a toe in reality by staying where he is (ASD unit in a mainstream secondary).

He has absolutely no awareness that when he made his announcement that his peers might tell other people. He really seems to have compartmentalised

Hi @Earpig - this sounds like it's been a really stressful time! I don't want to come across as confrontational but as you've asked what you should be saying/doing...

You mentioned that you have 'no issues with him dressing however he wants, nor the name or pronouns' - why are you still using 'he' instead of 'she'?

There are subtle ways in which you can affirm her identity that will make her feel supported and keep communication open. I think it's worth bearing in mind that using different pronouns etc at 15 doesn't mean that she's going to start a medical transition in the future.

He doesn't want to be out as Trans outside of his ASD unit. He is very clear on this.

And actually I'm not sure affirmation is appropriate and I think it's potentially more damaging.

I think sometimes teens with autism can actually be quite transparent and this helps make things clearer to the "professionals", that what the young person claims they want is not quite as clearcut as they might make out. DS who has autism once told the ed pysch assessing him that he liked school as long as the pupils were banished and there were just teachers. It was this type of grandiose pronouncement that secured him the EHCP he needed, but didn't think he needed.
I remember ds1 suddenly shaving off all his body hair at 16, in a very mad way, not autistic but dyspraxic. I think it was a sensory thing as well as an anxiety thing. Ds2 used to be obsessed by how revolting ds1 was with body hair too, again a sensory thing I think.

I too think you haven't handled it badly at all, and are very very sensible to look at this as a fix for his anxiety rather than a solution or true identity. Your pysch sounds great.

DS 2 is doing very well at 18, it gets so much better it really does.

I also recommend a blood test for vit d. Both my son's had a undiagnosed deficiency and improved so much with proper gp prescribed supplement. Loading dose level of 20,000 iu per fortnight , then 1000iu a day massive difference to happiness, and calm.

thanks nettleskeins. DS1 is quite reticent with discussions with Ed Psychs etc, he is very protective of information he deems private. There's a lot of focus on him due to his reassessment and what his future plans are. He really has no focus, and I think it's all a bit of a perfect storm of events.

The more I look into it the more I feel affirmation isn't the right approach for him but obviously I need to tread carefully so as not to alienate him and cause him to dig in more. The Psych also explained that there's a peak in medication where risky behaviour is more likely, due to the changing of hormones etc making feel invincible. This would tie in with the sudden declaration at school. The psych was at pains that the medication hadn't caused the gender stuff and I think I'm doing a horrible job of recounting what I was told! He has deficient Vitamin D (blood test part of the psych stuff) so he is medicated.

It also has coincided with his 13 year old brother passing him in height. With DS1's rigidity and that we're a family of shorties anyway, he's probably sensitive to being under average height as a man, but would be a non noteworthy height for a woman. He's well into puberty and has had body hair for 3 or 4 years now. I think it was developing chest hair that tipped him over (his dad is very hairy!)