12 yr old says he’s trans and I don’t know what I’m meant to do.

[dangermouseisace]

Hi.
My 12 year old announced he is trans last night. FWIW, I don’t think he is. I’ve not said that to him. He has never mentioned wanting to be a girl, ever, never shown discomfort with his body etc. I’ve brought my children up to believe the only real difference between boys and girls (pre 11) is body parts, and that everyone can wear what they want and do what they like. Hence none of my children are very “girly” or “boyish” they are just who they are. So this came as a total surprise.
He’s type 1 diabetic and struggling with that, I don’t know if that’s got anything to do with it. I just bumbled crap about how puberty is really shit, and it’s totally normal to feel like he does at the moment, and that I was glad he told me. That most people who feel this way turn out to be gay/bi (he says he’s bi). But that I just want him to be happy and would support him whatever.
Today I asked what he wanted me to do or how I could help- he doesn’t know. I asked whether it’s ok to call him his name as it is, he said yes.
He’s due to see the diabetes psychologist next month for the first time, and already gets support from student services with his diabetes. I’ve not said anything to anyone about his announcement.
But at the moment I don’t know what to do at all.

not much would be my advice
just keep on loving him
is his dad around? I can imagine looking at how some men are and see why a boy might not be too keen on that, or wonder if he will measure up to some arbitrary set of rules about what men are like. Just as our kids hit puberty they also move out of our circle of influence and the opinions of their peers become more important Keep an eye on his internet use
encourage real world pursuits
make sure he has plenty of varied and positive male role models

Stay far away from Mermaids, Allsorts et al.

Let him know that he can be whomever he wants, and you'll support him with whatever path he takes.

This seems to be a normal part of puberty these days. I've had it with both my girls, the oldest has outgrown it and probably the youngest will too. Just listen, watch and wait and check internet use. You don't have to announce anything yet.

I think you're handling it really well, OP.

'Trans' is basically what 'Emo' used to be, and 'goth' before that. It's code for feeling different, being alternative, not fitting into traditional stereotypes. Most 'trans' teenagers I have known have stopped being trans once they're older and perhaps more comfortable with themselves and their sexuality.

Keep the conversation open, encourage his other interests and, as PP said, monitor internet usage.

It seems to be the in thing at the moment.
Just do what StillWeRise says, keep on loving him and let him take the lead on what he wants to do. Don’t suggest stuff, don’t fuss.
Just keep an eye on him, like any responsible parent when their child is exploring something new.

Just make sure his diabetes counsellor isn't of the "affirmation only" Mermaids school of transcult. Don't touch anym medical interventions - what's emerging (see recent High Court review) is that even so-called 'puberty blockers' can do unknown damage. YOU don't want your DS to become an experimental guinea pig.

That sounds like a dreadful shock; I really feel for you both!

Maybe he feels a a growing pressure to look or behave a certain way or to have certain desires? And he feels uncomfortable with that and like he’s “being a boy” wrong? And that therefore he must be a girl.

You could try the websites Transgendertrend, Bayswater Support Group, or (more US- , teenage girl focused but not exclusively) 4thwavenow.

I don’t think you need to do anything op. Jus let him talk to you if he wants to

Do you mind if I piggy back on this thread. So far comments have been helpful to me too. This week i discovered by 13 yr daughter has been wearing a chest binder. I have no idea where she got it from or what other things she has been getting into. Situation is more tricky as her Dad and I separated a few years ago and communication between the 2 parents is patchy at best. I suspect she has already confided in her Dad - but not me.
I noticed the unusual vest in her washing basket and a quick Google told me what it was. She doesn't realise I know what it is yet. Just wish she would talk to me about it. I haven't the first clue how to advise her but it's the secrecy at the moment that's killing me. She also just a few weeks ago started her first period - and she tried to hide that from me too (only found out due to clothes in the laundry) She is extremely body shy so I'm wondering if this is just her hating her teenage body - In her school it is trendy to be either trans, gay or Bi and if you are straight - thats the un-cool thing. Hence part of me wonders if she's just falling into the "in-crowd"
Any advice helpful - I and wondering if I just say to her I know what the vest is and see if she opens up??

Newyearhere20, that sounds very complicated for you all, I’m sorry to hear that.

I think you should say something.

Firstly, because chest binders are harmful if worn wrongly or for overly long (and quite possibly harmful for any period of time, especially for a growing girl).

Secondly, I think you should get it out in the open so that she can talk to you and tell her how she feels and what she’s got on her mind.

I mean, you don’t know if she feels “trans” or if she’s just highly uncomfortable with changes happening to her body. If the latter, maybe you could offer to compromise and buy her minimiser bras? And period underwear instead of pads?

Maybe you could talk to her in the car, if possible, so you have a captive audience but don’t have the awkwardness of looking at each other?

If it turns out she thinks she might be trans, you might want to find out if she’s said anything to school. Some schools have been found to be facilitating “social transitions” without informing the parents.

It must be really hard being a teenage girl these days. It was hard enough for us, but now there’s constant social media (and porn) showing girls and boys the “ideal way” they need to look/behave/be.

Personally I never understood why films and books showed girls looking forward to starting their periods or saying, “I must I must improve my bust!” because those were the very last things I wanted when I was 13. I felt like my body was betraying me and that being a woman was rubbish and pathetic. I hated it when older women tried to be encouraging and talked about strong female energy etc
Like almost every other teenage girl who felt this way, I got through it. I’m fine with being a woman and wouldn’t change anything. I gradually discovered feminism and that pathetic is the last thing women are. It takes time and experience to get some perspective. Womanhood can’t really be escaped and along with the inevitable changes comes the discovery that there’s lots of ways to “be” a woman - you can’t “do it wrong” - you just are one.

Check out the websites I mentioned in my last post. I’m sure they have some good advice on how to help her come to terms with puberty and the uncomfortable physical and social changes it brings, without making things too confrontational or putting her on the defensive.

Thanks for your replies- sorry I had internet problems so it’s a late thank you. Like you newyearhere I’m not with his dad. I’ve not broached the subject with him, but my son really does not get on well with him, so maybe there is something in that. Also the fact his school is quite rugby boys dominated. It’s reassuring to hear your experiences and that some children grow out of it, and that it’s ok to not “do” anything, and you’ve mentioned some sites I hadn’t heard of.

newyearhere I wear shock absorber run bras (for running!) and if I’d known about them as a teen I would have worn them all the time. You can forget you even have boobs with one on, and they make them less noticeable. Might be healthier than a binder if your daughter is self conscious.

Hi - thank you for your reply @saynotofondant which has been helpful. Since posting I have tried to talk with my daughter but she totally clammed up so I didn't push it. I did discover that the Chest binder was bought by her father and she's only been wearing it 1 week so far. She knows to wear for max 8 hours a day. It's now in the laundry so she will have a break from it for at least today.
So currently I don't know weather my daughter is dealing with feelings of wanting to be Trans - or if she is genuinely struggling with her growing teenage body. Either could be true but I suspect shes considering Trans - but I have no idea really and don't want to jump to conclusions.
@dangermouseisace, yes I have looked for some firm support sport bras today which might prove enough - but until daughter talks to me about her thoughts I can't really suggest anything. Obviously the lack of comms with my Ex are also adding to my anxiety about the whole thing as I don't know what's being discussed while they are there - or what influences he might be bringing to bear.
I am due to have a talk with him tomorrow about other issues so will try and bring this up - lets see if he clams up as much as my DD!

dangermouseisace I am so sorry this is so hard.

NewYearHere20 also very tough.

No real advice except to keep talking and most of all listening, stay close to your kids and make time to be with them (I am sure you are doing do). XXX

moomoogalicious can I ask what helped your daughter to get out of feeling like this, I mean what changed? Only if you feel OK to say.

doing so...

@NewYearHere20 - could you ask her if there are any specific washing instructions for the binder? As you don't want to damage it in the wash. Hopefully she will feel like you aren't rejecting her choices, & will open up to you a bit.