Non-binary child changing their mind...!

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

After supporting my child who came out as non-binary last week, sorting things with the school and supporting them in coming out to family and friends, they have said maybe they just did it to make themselves feel special and perhaps they want to stop now...!
They’re 10. They’re saying they will stay non-binary for a bit and then maybe change back to a girl... How likely is it to have just been a phase? Should I be exploring gender fluid as an option for them? Or am I just supposed to go with it while they test things out?
Argh help. I just want to be supportive. There’s a chance they have special needs so we are currently on a waiting list for testing for that too. I don’t know how much one affects the other or what to do for the best!

Xpost again re cross words with the school! They really need to sort it out. And the good thing is you’ve now spoken to them...

@Doobiedooo yeah I think that’s what she wants, everyone to just sort of forget and phase it out. But she’s not 100% sure...!
I said we could just keep checking in on how she feels and take our lead from that. I really wish the school had rang me first, but I know the protocol is to support the child first then check if it’s safe to ring home. I think they took huge liberties with “support the child”...!

@GirlWithNoEarring can I ask, are either of your older girls bookish/arty/music types? We have tried cubs, performing arts clubs, piano lessons... she just feels out of place there too.
I just want her to find her people. I’m considering art classes, she draws constantly and watches videos on art techniques. Is that even a thing for children...!

I’ve got a 10 year old (and been through 10 a couple of years back with the eldest) They are a bundle of oddities and feelings at 10 ime. Personally I would not have validated my 10 year old as non binary and would not have liked the label or ‘statement’ of it as they are incredibly fickle, but you clearly acted in a supportive and loving way. The long lesson for your DD is that you have her back. This may have been a mistake by mistakes are allowed in life!

“Mistakes are allowed in life” amen at that wisdom!

Amen indeed!

Jesus.

The only reply to a ten year old ‘coming out’ as non binary should be ‘that’s nice dear’.

Why do parents indulge this utter crap?

LolaSmiles that makes sense. OP I think you need to reassure your DD that considering yourself NB is not a once and for all decision and she shouldn't feel embarrassed by backtracking a bit.
I think perhaps you need to get the school to consider supporting your DD with a slightly less full on response. The affirmative approach rather paints kids into a corner, which for such a young child is maybe a bit overwhelming.
My DD is also very keen on art and I think there's a huge community online for sharing techniques and fan art. She goes to a local art club which is amazing, although online at the moment.

This may seem kind of off topic but art is very much an activity young ppl throw themselves into. I’d research Saturday classes/local museums/private tutors and encourage self development along a intellectually invigorating avenue of learning a skill, eg drawing. You could also do some shared learning about gender non confirming women from history, eg Frida Kahlo, Georgia O Keefe, (Artemisia Gentileschi at Nat Gall rightnow!) + many others.
I agree it’s a show of great self reflection that she’s aware declaring herself NB was premature. I like the pp suggestion of asking what NB really means. I do feel empathy for your daughter as a formerly GNC girl with a deep interest in art.

@Cyberworrier that’s an amazing idea thank you. We have a lovey book of Frida Kahlo but hadn’t even thought of the others you suggested.
She is a beautiful soul, my girl, she’s my favourite person. I just want her to feel like she’s got her place and her people. I’ve found an art class for kids near us, I’m going to try and enrol her and see if her best friend from a different school wants to go too. Then she can just be herself.

Yes, there is stuff out there. I live in a the arse end of nowhere so there is a fair amount of effort involves. One of mine likes manga so we went to comic con.

There is good stuff out there. I agree with Cyber that you need to look further outside the box here.

I also take my dc to London for a few days every summer holidays and do stuff there. Part of it is exposing them to different people so they know there is more to life than the small run down town we live in. Where people wear different clothes and eat different foods and think different things.

Once when I was at the roller rink the session after mine was roller Derby and I saw a boy from the school I teach at who was not always the happiest child. He struggled academically and with his behaviour. And there he was like the king of the rink. And those people there that he skated with had no idea who he was at school. To him he was this vibrant and skilled team member who excelled at what he did. He had another life away from his school life.

Have you thought about moving schools if she's unhappy. Yours sounds insane for a start but it might be worth thinking about.

She’s 10. Most people don’t find “their people” until Uni at the earliest. It’s a nonsense right up there with “forever home”.

Yes, feelings are important, as is a sense of contentment but making them the be all and end all results in a lot of harmful navel gazing - especially at this age,

Oh, OP. I’m not sure what you do now, but probably nothing at all, and just wait and see what they say. If your DD wants to go back to being she/her, just tell the school and they will do it.

And, she’s 10. Better to get this done and dusted before they start senior school, I suppose. At this age the other kids won’t make much of it, but a couple of years later they might.

The things is she's not a non binary child changing her mind, she's a ten year old girl who got a notion in her head for a week and has now realised its not right for her. Let her back out immediately OP. You need to call school and insist that they don't mention it to her anymore and that she is a female child. Its half term anyway soon and all the other children will have forgotten all about it by the time they go back.

I have experience in this. My child got sucked in at around the same age (slightly older) and now thinks its all nonsense and at 15 now feels very strongly about things like animee and the various online forums and organisations effectively grooming children.

Do you know, OP, I think what your DD was really saying was "I feel like I am different; I am not quite at home". Because she's 10 she is searching for why that is; reasons why it doesn't feel smooth for her. The school has been Stonewalled and they need to row back in.

You mention possible Sen; just be aware that being an autistic girl is a huge "risk factor" for identifying as NB or trans. Might this be possible?

I would just call the school and tell them to quietly drop it for now. Your instinct to find her space is a good one imo.

[quote Doobiedooo]**@ChelseeDagger* and @BloggersBlog* - they have it spot on. I wanted to be a gay man at 16. Largely because I had a crush on a gay author, and his life sounded a lot more exciting than mine... dull northern town.

I kept it to myself.

Good your daughter can talk to you. But all this labelling: tricky times these days.[/quote]
Do you know, this comment Shad made the penny drop for me regarding some people's motives 🤔(OBVIOUSLY not everyone’s)

Has, not Shad 🤔🤔

I am utterly perplexed at why anyone needs to know anyone gender identify

I am even more perplexed at what difference have a none binary gender identity means , why does the school and parents need to know, what aspects of anyone's behaviour towards anyone else will be different if the child express none binary as their gender identity ?

I think mummy here needed to feel special for a bit didnt she

10 year olds can sometimes be mighty awkward 😁. The school jumped a bit too quick if you ask me. Keep on encouraging her to find her tribe.

@LunaLula83

I think mummy here needed to feel special for a bit didnt she

To be fair it sounds like it was the school who jumped the gun and made this a thing. However the OP using third person pronouns and talking about 'coming out as non binary' and 'exploring gender fluid as an option' indicates she's well on board with the insanity. If my child's school had done ANYTHING at all in response to DC 'coming out' as 'non binary' without discussing it with me first I would have gone absolutely apeshit on them.

What does having ‘her place’ and ‘her people’ actually mean? Surely at 10 she’s not thinking about these things. I’ve got a 10 year old and am a teacher. Most 10 year olds just want some friends to play with at break and to feel safe and loved at home. Kids don’t need labels. School have behaved appallingly, I would go full ballistic at them. Don’t talk to her about ‘finding her people’ you are making a big deal out of something that may or may not happen for her. Plenty of people aren’t part of a ‘gang’ and it’s not necessarily a problem, unless they desperately want to be. Don’t make it an issue. Don’t dwell on nonsense ideas like ‘gender fluid’ just tell her she’s fab and what she wears / does doesn’t change who she is.

I completely agree @Sittin . Most people would say 'she hadn't really found a friend' or something along those lines.

[quote MooPointCowsOpinion]@LolaSmiles thank you for thoughtful comments. That’s my instinct. I just don’t know how to approach that with the school and my child is super nervous about going ‘back on it’ as they’ve put things in place now. I did tell the school to calm down, they jumped in so quickly and only called me afterwards. I did have very cross words with the school but I don’t see how that’s important to how I support my child. I really hate some people on Mumsnet some times, I forget why I ever thought this was a safe place for women.[/quote]
It sounds like the school jumped the gun there. New guidance from the Department of Education states that teachers should not tell pupils they might be a different gender based on stereotypes or clothes.

OK, the teachers didn’t exactly TELL her she was non-binary, but they seem to have gone along with it (she’s 10!!) and affirmed her ideas instead of gently challenging them. According to the new guidelines, teachers are not allowed to reinforce harmful stereotypes. Did they ask her where she got the idea from that she is non-binary, and what does she think non-binary means? You’d like to think they made clear that just because she might like doing stuff that isn’t explicitly girly doesn’t mean she can’t be a girl or that she’s being a girl “wrong” so she has to be something else. And that next to no girls actually fit the “girly” stereotypes 100%, so does that mean that every girl in the class is actually non-binary?

When you talk to the school again, it might be helpful to be armed with the new guidance.

www.theguardian.com/education/2020/sep/25/government-issues-gender-identity-guidance-for-teachers-in-england

MooPointCowsOpinion it's great she's come to realize this isn't for her. Once she is ready to tell the school, I'd let her do it, or you do it for her. No need to drag it out once she is fairly sure.

I'd let her choose some activities that will make her feel special and give her things to focus on, for example maybe acting classes.

My friend's child told the school without asking her, it's very common for kids to take the lead these days.

Well done for keeping your cool

XXXX.