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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

Should I be doing more?

16 replies

Cliff1975 · 02/09/2020 14:22

My son is 18, he came out at 16. He has recently met someone who is 20. They have met up a couple of times and today they are meeting again. I have found out that they have booked a hotel room (I read his messages) and after reading his messages I know all to well what they intend to do. I know they have discussed safe sex. I have spoken to him about being safe etc. He has told us they are meeting but not about the hotel. He is 18, an adult. I was sleeping with my boyfriend at his age, but it still feels seedy. Should I have told him I knew? Should I be doing more? It is not easy at all. He goes away to university in a couple of weeks and then he will have as much freedom as he wants. He is a lovely boy but can't help thinking he is not thinking with his head! Advice please.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 02/09/2020 14:24

You should be doing a hell of a lot less.

Reading your adult childs private messages is fucking disgusting.

netstaller · 02/09/2020 14:35

You've spoken to him about safe sex now back off. He's an adult and would be horrified to know you're spying on his messages

JaJaDingDong · 02/09/2020 14:44

It's natural to worry as a parent, but there does come a time when your role changes from telling your children what to do and how to lead their lives to one of being there to pick up the pieces when they've made a mistake.

You don't say what your son came out as (bi/gay/trans/…) or whether he's meeting a male/female/trans/gay/… partner. That's all pretty irrelevant really though - he's booked a hotel. They aren't "doing it" in the back of a car, or down an alleyway. What advice do you think he needs?

And what's seedy about a sexual assignation in a hotel?

BiBabbles · 02/09/2020 14:54

If my adult son who is living with me told me he was meeting up with a partner, I'd probably just wish them a lovely time and maybe - depending on my mood - make a painfully-awkward-parent joke about him knowing where we keep the extra condoms and things (we started keeping some things in a drawer in the bathroom shortly before my oldest turned 16). I wouldn't be reading his messages.

Hotel to me seems very more planned out and careful than seedy, I'd think of it as more mature than doing it in their parents' houses or many other places sex happens at those ages. It's not like they're planning to shag in the hotel car park (which way too many people think is a fine thing to do).

minnieok · 02/09/2020 14:56

Explain to him about being safe meeting someone eg tell a friend where he is etc otherwise you need to let go. No more reading messages ever!

RaininSummer · 02/09/2020 14:57

I think if your son were meeting a girl instead of another lad, you maybe wouldn't think it as seedy. I may be wrong here though as it would be unusual I think for any young couple to book a hotel room unless actually going away.

India999 · 02/09/2020 15:03

I think you need to take a step back and do less. You're interfering!

Relax, if you've taught him well he will be fine.

averylongtimeago · 02/09/2020 15:19

He's an adult. Stop reading his private messages and back off.
At least they have booked a room....

Clymene · 02/09/2020 15:23

You sound homophobic and really controlling

Hormonecrazyhell · 02/09/2020 15:26

You really should not be reading your adult sons private messages if he’s not vulnerable

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/09/2020 15:30

Seedy? Why?

Cockadoodledooo · 02/09/2020 16:43

You need to examine why you feel it is seedy. Would you if he was meeting a girl? Why on earth are you reading another adult's messages, unless he has diminished capacity that is a massive invasion of privacy!

TwelvetyOClock · 02/09/2020 16:47

So you were doing the same with your boyfriend at that age? Why, exactly, is this so much worse?

Merename · 02/09/2020 16:52

Agreed, reading his messages is not ok, and is this your issue about his sexuality? And your snooping has showed you that they have discussed safe sex - this is good news! My children Are not yet adults so I don’t know the stress of the letting go process, but it is happening to you and you really need to accept, for both your sakes, that he has grown up and has control over his own life.

FWIW, my mother struggled with my developing sexuality (straight) as a teen due to her own hangups, and it put a wedge between us. She made me feel bad and dirty for having sexual desire, so I could never talk to her about that side of my life. I don’t think you want that.

Qcumber · 02/09/2020 17:16

You read his messages! That is disgusting! If my mum had done that to me at 18, I would have struggled to continue to have a relationship with her. He's an adult. He can do whatever he likes. And seedy? What, because he's gay?
What you need to do is stop treating your son like he is a child and perhaps do some reflection on your attitude towards same sex couples.
I hope your son has an evening of great sex and room service.

SimonJT · 02/09/2020 17:21

Whats seedy about two adults having sex?

The only wrong thing in this scenario is the OP snooping on another adults phone.

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