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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

I think I messed up...

30 replies

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 29/08/2020 19:23

My daughter is nearly 13 and we are very close. She knows she can talk to me about anything (or at least, I hope she knows she can).

We were at the library today and she was looking for a specific book but couldn't remember the title. Eventually she shyly asked if I knew if they had any LGBTQ books for tweens. I didn't know but a quick google pulled up a few which we found and she checked out.

Once we got back to the car I told her that I loved her and I would love her regardless of who she loved. I said I wouldn't push, but if she ever felt like she wanted to tell me something, I would listen. She went beet red, mumbled something about me being weird and completely shut down.

I feel like I screwed up and shouldn't have said anything to her until she came to me. But then I was worried that not acknowledging the subject might make her feel like I wouldn't be accepting of her if she were to talk to me.

Have I totally screwed up?

OP posts:
Igmum · 30/08/2020 12:52

Sending hugs OP. I'm absolutely no expert but it doesn't sound horrific. She knows you love her. My DD14 says things like the you're weird comment all the time. I don't think any teenager likes to hear their parents discussing sex. Just keep talking to her, it doesn't have to be about this. Keep your relationship good Thanks

Original poster
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 30/08/2020 15:15

Thanks lgmum. I have suspected for a while that she may be interested in girls and have been reading about how best to support her. I know, if she does decide to come out, that my reaction will have a lasting impact on her. I just want to make sure she knows that she is loved and will always be loved.

OP posts:
SillyCow6 · 30/08/2020 15:24

I dont think you've messed up at all. Maybe it wouldve been better to say nothing but what you said was loving and supportive. Dont mention it again and let her come to you from now on.
I think you sound like a lovely mum and the fact she felt able to ask you about the books shows that you are dealing with this well

monkeyonthetable · 30/08/2020 15:29

OP I messed up when DS came out to me. I said, 'How do you know?' instead of what I meant to say which was 'How long have you known?' It was a baking hot day, we'd been walking for miles without water and my brain goes to mush when I'm dehydrated.
He got quite aggressively defensive and sneered, 'How did you know you were straight?' It was very rocky. But I think he also knew deep down that I don't mind at all, that I don't have any hidden prejudice and it was fine. He has friends who have had more problematic times coming out to their parents. Believe me - what you said was not cruel or horrible or insensitive or judgemental, which even those apparently liberal parents can still be.

IAmFleshIAmBone · 30/08/2020 15:36

It doesn't sound bad. Teens are always going to be embarrassed if their parents ask/talk to them about sex or sexuality. You've opened the door for a chat if she needs one, and she knows you love her and you don't care what her orientation is.

HathorX · 30/08/2020 15:41

Perhaps the weirdness is that you made too much of it. By saying you would love her regardless, have you implied there is something a bit shameful about being gay or bi?

Perhaps a different way to tackle it might be to ask her whether there is anyone she fancies at school, and does she know if they like her back.

"Whatever music you listen to and whatever clothes you choose to wear, I will love you regardless" is not how you would start a conversation about clothes or music... it would be weird. Maybe she just has no hang ups about her sexuality. How cool would they be?

namechange900079 · 30/08/2020 15:53

What you said sounds fine, personally I wouldn't mention it again though, or make any hints until she comes to you. It's natural that she'd be embarrassed at that age whether she's lgbt or not. I also wouldn't take it as a sure sign she is, it's also natural to just be curious and read about it.

A little side note, not what you asked- Please please do be supportive when she comes to you. My mum had the "You can come to me about issue I was having at any time. I'm here" conversation. And when I did come to her she was incredibly angry and extremely unsupportive. I can honestly say it was the start of the end of our relationship and all trust was lost.
I'm sure you didn't need to be told that, but just in case

Original poster
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 30/08/2020 16:39

@HathorX

Perhaps the weirdness is that you made too much of it. By saying you would love her regardless, have you implied there is something a bit shameful about being gay or bi?

Perhaps a different way to tackle it might be to ask her whether there is anyone she fancies at school, and does she know if they like her back.

"Whatever music you listen to and whatever clothes you choose to wear, I will love you regardless" is not how you would start a conversation about clothes or music... it would be weird. Maybe she just has no hang ups about her sexuality. How cool would they be?

This is exactly where I think I went wrong. I shouldn't have said anything at all.
OP posts:
Original poster
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 30/08/2020 16:44

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to my post. @HathorX hit the nail on the head and understood what I was concerned about. By phrasing it like I did, I may have made it seem like there was something shameful. This is what has been eating at me.

And I get that I shouldn't assume she is gay simply because she is interested in the books she checked out yesterday. I know she may just be curious.

Regardless, I hope she knows that she can talk to me if she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 30/08/2020 16:46

@namechange900079 I will absolutely be supportive of her if she comes to me to talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 09/12/2020 01:54

Me again. My daughter came out to me tonight and, thanks to all of your advice, I think I handled it really well. I chose my words carefully and told her I loved her and was proud of her for feeling comfortable enough to come to me. I asked her if there was anyone she was interested in and what she needed from me in terms of telling other people in the family.

She seemed so relieved. I'm so glad she felt comfortable coming to me. Thank you all so much for your advice - it truly helped.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2020 02:11

What a lovely mum you are. Well done for being so supportive. Before I read your update, I was going to say you initially handled everything perfectly. She came to you about the books, you helped her find them, and then you offered support. I had a feeling, even though she reacted awkwardly, that your daughter absolutely knew you would always be there for her. I love being right! Haha! Congratulations on having such a close relationship with your "baby."

Original poster
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 09/12/2020 04:47

Thank you so much Aquamarine1029. I watched friends struggle to come out in the 90s and, for those who were brave enough to do so, I witnessed the nasty responses they received from people who were supposed to love them. I know I was likely being over-cautious because of that, but I really wanted her coming out experience to be positive. She'll be 13 in 2 weeks but she is still my baby girl. 🤗

OP posts:
joystir59 · 09/12/2020 04:55

@AnnieOnAMapleLeaf
What a lovely mum you are. Just that really. Well done. I'm a older lesbian and have had so many friends experience awful homophobia when coming out to family, and it has made me cry that you worked so hard to get it right with your daughter.

Original poster
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 09/12/2020 14:36

Thank you @joystir59 - you have no idea how much that means to me. 🤗 She is going to face small-minded people throughout her life, she shouldn't have to experience that at home.

OP posts:
SillyCow6 · 09/12/2020 20:41

Aw what a lovely update. Well done OP and having such a great relationship that your dc can open up to you

Inthetropics · 09/12/2020 20:50

I'm lesbian and i really don't think you did anything wrong! She may be embarassed but now she knows it's not a big deal for you if she is gay/bi. Sexuality can be a tough topic to discuss with parents when we are very young but it will get easier. I remeber being 14 and telling my mum without knowing what would be her reaction. It would have been great to know it would be a positive exprerience as it turned out to be. I just felt a lot of anxiety before telling her. You're a lively mum! WinkFlowers

Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2020 09:22

You are a brilliant mum. Well done.

The only unusual bit to me is a teenager using a library to get info rather tgen the internet! Which told me she kind of wanted you to know. Well done.

Original poster
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 11/12/2020 02:00

Thanks so much everyone. She has been super affectionate since she told me. I think this has brought us even closer together. ❤️

@Italiangreyhound it's not weird for my DD. She is a lover of books and, before Covid, we would spend Saturday afternoons at the library once or twice a month. It's her happy place (mine too).

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2020 23:19

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf that's great to hear. XX

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2020 23:20

(It was slightly tongue in cheek) Grin

Noti23 · 11/12/2020 23:26

Wow op, you did so well. Thank god she has a mum like you! I was going to comment that I would’ve gone red if my mum had mentioned anything about relationships/sex when I was 13 and I was straight! I’m 23 now with my 2 year old and this thread has reminded me not to raise him presuming he’s straight throughout his childhood.

FloreanFortescue · 11/12/2020 23:46

This sounds so hard! I don't think you've messed up but perhaps your tween hasn't quite worked out what's going on herself?

Ingvermama · 20/12/2020 08:35

My daughter came out to me the other day via text message! She had been making subtle hints as she has a couple of Pride flags up in her room. I said I was so excited and pleased for her and said to go and have fun, be kind and safe. I said we could celebrate by buying some new Dr marten boots (we share shoes!). Since then she has become more relaxed at home and I noticed she wore her heart shaped lesbian Pride badge to school all last week 🥰❤️. I feel so excited for her being in a world where she can be who she wants to be, I definitely grew up without the information that may have helped me realise I'm probably bisexual a long time ago! What a lovely thread.

Wearenotyourkind · 20/12/2020 08:48

@AnnieOnAMapleLeaf and @Ingvermama you both sound like bloody brilliant mums! 💜

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