teenager daughter told me that she is transgender

[abc989]

My daughter told me that she is transgender and wants to be a boy. She doesn't want to have operation but wants to have hormone injection. She is very upset as she is my only child and she doesn't want to be like this. I was heartbroken inside but had to be supportive and comforted her. I know that it's important to be supportive no matter how I feel.

She said she wished she was normal. I am wondering whether there is female hormone treatment that will help her get rid of the idea? She thinks that she will have a hard life if she carries on being a transgender but she cannot help it.

Thanks for any advice in advance. I know that some people will think this is wrong to try to change her but she is upset that she is not like the other girls.

Hello. I think you should look into transgender kids and ask her about gender dysphoria, which is essential for trans people. How old is she? You shouldn’t try female hormones, trans people have different brains, it’s not about hormones.

Being trans isn’t a choice, therapy has to be undergone to confirm gender identity disorder.

Does she have any autistic traits?
Could she be gay?
Does she spend a lot of time online?

There are elements of homophobia, ASD, and social contagion wrapped up in trans-identity so it may be worth exploring these issues first.

Thanks to everyone replied.

She was not diagnosed as autistic. She is doing well at school and was always told that she is gifted in many areas. She is very shy though.
I am confused as most of the time she behaves like a girl. The way she speaks and moves is feminine. However, she likes to have her hair cut really short and wears breast binder. I cannot see too much muscularity in her, not like the other transgender girl. I am be bewildered. Not sure whether this is just a phase. BTW, her older cousin is a transgender. I have read that it could be hereditary.

It's not hereditary, it's more that if you know someone, you are more likely to think of it.

As you say there is nothing about her that suggests that she is like a boy, but a lot that says she is not enjoying the process of being a teenage girl.

Has she said how long she's felt like that?
The only thing I'd say is not to rush down an irreversible path with your dd.

It's not hereditary but there is a social contagion / peer emulation element to it. It's a major factor. The fact that an older cousin has gone down this route is important.

How old is she?

You need to play this very carefully but she absolutely shouldn't get hormone treatment. This path is not reversible despite claims to the contrary and the NHS guidance now finally makes it clear that it's not suitable for children/teenagers. You need to find a way to hold her pain and anguish until the alienation she feels from her own body can be resolved. It's a very, very normal thing to feel in puberty (not sure if she's pubescent?) but we seem to be forgetting that in our rush to trans children.

The one thing she is is normal. There won't be a girl in the world who felt that the transition to womanhood was easy and lovely. We all struggle with it - some more than others. But our online world makes it look as though everyone else's life is easy breezy. My 40something sister would certainly have transitioned if this had been a thing in the 80s. She's now perfectly at ease with being a woman and she's also a parent and a million and one other things.

Apologies if I've missed the mark and your daughter is an adult.

Agree there's a huge crossover between 'struggling as a teenage girl' and 'wanting to be a boy'.

Latent homophobia is also a big issue - perhaps discuss sexuality with your daughter. In many high schools it's currently more acceptable to be trans than to be gay, so if you're same-sex attracted there's societal pressure to transition.

Be very cautious of longterm irreversible change
Detransitioning is increasing
thepostmillennial.com/women-who-detransition-deserve-to-have-their-stories-told

I have a transgender child.

My child 'came out' before it was what it is now.

It's a long and difficult path, but starting hormones mean that the effects last forever, even if your child detransitions.

Even puberty blockers which are touted as 'thinking time' can have devastating effects and pretty much guarantee your child will go down the hormonal route.

As this seems pretty new and a shock I wouldn't be in a rush to start anything, don't give it too much attention, and quietly watch for a while.

Next step, for us, was getting a counsellor. I paid privately and got a counsellor who is gay. You can google counsellors who specialise in this area.

I also made sure I went through absolutely everything with my child. Every side effect, we watched operations, looked at lots on youtube of people who detransitioned and the consequences they live with daily, every story, video, blogs and anything else we found, we read so my child fully understood.

Don't put too much emphasis on feminine and masculine traits and hobbies, the traits your child has are simply your childs personality.

My child is now an adult, and is glad we waited to start the physical transition, although it was very tough at the time. It gave them more thinking time, time to be sure, and understand everything fully.

There is no rush, if your child is genuinely transgender, and it isnt just a phase, they have their whole life to transition. It's very important you dont do anything irreversible yet. No kid should be stuck with life long consequences of hasty decisions they made as a teenager.

There's no difference in the brains of trans people and other people. It is highly likely due to a combination of other people suggesting this, not feeling she fits in, worrying about her body, maybe thinking if she's attracted to girls she must be a boy.
Have a look at this group. Their first quote is perfect.
www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

My heart goes out to you. Maybe check out a couple of pages on Maria Mac's site?
www.peaktrans.org/children/
www.peaktrans.org/detransitioning/

@abc989 This is so hard.

You say she is binding her breasts, do you know how she is doing this. Some methods are safer than others.

Lots of info here in different threads, read up some people's experiences.

Good luck .

How old is she?
it’s basically the new goth/ emo/ anorexia/ self harm. Huge amounts of social contagion and a hefty dose of homophobia. Kids see others getting lots of positive attention and they are told it’s the best thing they can do.

Could she have been abused? Along with the link to ASD, being same sex attracted and social contigion some girls decide they want to be a boy because its safer, its a route some take after suffering some sexual abuse.

Do you think she could be gay?

Definitely get some help for her. She needs to talk to someone and be assessed. Like other posters said, if she is transgender it won't go away but she is young and she may be confused. It could seem that life as the other sex would be better/easier. Society has such sexist ideas and preconceptions..... could spin anyone's mind

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult brilliant post

I was in your shoes about 4 years ago. PM me if you'd like to chat.

Thanks for all your messages and support. I have been dealing with some other issues hence didn’t reply earlier. My daughter likes boys and behaves quite feminine most of the time. She also wants to have her own children in the future. She is 17. Is it a good thing to get her a counsellor? However, I worry that the counsellor may encourage her to take irreversible measures.