My lovely 18yo, in the middle of giving me a hug and with absolutely no preamble, said to me yesterday, 'By the way, I'm gay.' It's not a massive surprise to me: he hasn't been remotely interested in girls, always ticked the 'prefer not to say' boxes on those intrusive forms that ask for your sexuality etc etc. His older brother and younger sister have apparently known for a long time (over 2 years), so it's clear that it took him a lot to get up the courage to speak to me.
Obviously, it doesn't make any difference to how I feel about him as my son - I still love him to bits. I am anxious, though, about the basic fact that it is more difficult to be gay than straight, even in these more accepting times, and fearful of the homophobia he may face. I don't have a lot of gay friends, so it's not a world I understand well, and the 'gay scene' (so to speak) has always seemed from the outside to be a bit full-on and 'out there', which is really not his style - he's a gregarious sort, but not at all flamboyant or demonstrative. He's very gentle and open, and I don't want to see him get hurt.
The other issue is that he hasn't told his dad. I can understand why: his dad is Catholic, and while not homophobic per se, has strong views on the legitimacy of gay marriage. (He accepts that gay people can have committed and loving lifelong relationships; but he doesn't believe that should be recognised as a marriage. Would be grateful if we don't get into husband-bashing here, but to provide context.) Obviously I in no way want to force him to tell his dad before he's ready, but it's also going to be awkward until he does, feeling as if there's a 'big secret' between us.
I haven't had an opportunity to talk to him about it in any way. He went out to meet friends immediately after he'd told me, clearly not wanting to have a long conversation. I texted him about an hour later to say 'Thank you' and to let him know that I really did want to talk to him about it, but would wait for him to let me know when he was ready.
I really want to make sure I support him properly now he's felt able to tell me, so I guess my questions are:
- what should I do to make it clear to him that I still love and support him?
- how do I deal with the issue of when he might feel ready to tell his dad?
- is there anywhere else I can look to get support around the questions I want to ask during this time when he doesn't feel ready to talk further?
I'd normally talk to my mum about this kind of thing but as he hasn't told her yet either that isn't really a option!!
Would be v grateful of advice. Thanks.