DD 15 quiet withdrawn very secretive especially during lockdown

[Splattherat]

Our DD15 is now quiet withdrawn moody secretive young for her age and I am worried she is a bit overwhelmed with school work, lonely and maybe a bit confused and depressed.

She was bullied in year 7 by 3 girls that were her friends it turned quiet nasty. Gradually she built up a small group of other quiet less popular, less mainstream group of friends.

Anyway during lockdown she seems to have distanced herself from all but one of this group of friends (except her best friend).

Anyway DD has openly said she can’t be bothered with the others (and she has put the group chat on mute) one girl in particular is a bragger bit of a show off and talks nonsense.

DD spends large chunks of time on her own in her messy bedroom and struggles to be civil to us and trying to have a conversation with her is extremely hard work.

She is tall, pretty and has a lovely figure but goes around in skinny jeans and big old hoodies even in the extreme heat we have had lately, no make up, hair scraped back in a severe pony tail. She has absolutely no interest in any new clothes.

Anyway she has met up with her best friend twice now since lockdown. DH found a crumpled up note whilst tidying up her very messy bedroom last week saying ‘please care for me X (best friends name) and please be my girlfriend’. The same sentence was repeated several times like lines but almost like a prayer.

Tonight I found an email in our deleted items (all emails on the ipad are visible just how DH set it up that way) whilst looking for something else it was from DD’s email address to her best friends email address it maybe had coded or urban language in although she is dyslexic but sounds sexual?

It was sent on Saturday and they met up on the Sunday. DD asks friend ‘may I have a Porto for like five minutes my butts gonna explode’

Then friend says something about ‘ maybe arranging something when and where?? How much are you willing to pay for a 5 min slot?’

Quiet DD then says ‘Hi bb I would love to pay £5 a minute but £20 for 5 cos u need 6 minutes cos it big’

We haven’t said anything about the crumpled note or tonights email. I do tell her I love her quite regularly, say if she ever wants to talk I’ll listen and will keep it to myself if she wants me too. I am just really worried about her as she seems really moody, down and sometimes pulls her hair (which she started a few months after the fall out with friends in year 7).

It is sounding like she is gay, thinks she is or has a crush on her friend but I am just worried about her burning her bridges with the rest of the group if this goes wrong, her getting hurt if friend doesn’t feel the same or changes her mind and or her being picked on at school.

Any advice please be kind. Thanks

Anyone apologies for the long post?

DD is a total contrast to most girls her age in terms of obsession with looks/image (in terms of lack of interest in her hair, no make up, happy in old clothing and refusal to dress to show off her shape).

But thinking back last year when we went abroad in summer she wanted to wear jeans every night and was reluctant to wear the denim skirts and shorts.

For over a year she has insisted on only wearing trousers with her school uniform and she won’t entertain a top that is slightly too short, fitted, low etc. She doesn’t wear masculine clothing and she will still wear bright red grey white or black as long as they are loose and baggy.

Could she have an eating disorder? Some of what you describe sounds like anorexia or similar?

Her diet is awful she stopped eating meat some time ago but she isn’t that keen on many vegetables either and won’t eat any fruit. She loves chocolate, cake, crisps and carbs. She has an extremely bland diet.

Any idea what the email means? Why is she having to pay her 'friend'?

Absolutely no idea. She only has access to her christmas/birthday spending money but I we will ask to see a statement tomorrow. But I think the paying part maybe some sort of in joke between them or at least I hope it is.

Could she be eating lots of rubbish and then purging? Maybe with enema kits or similar? Could be the porto? Might be way off! Sorry!

I honestly have absolutely no idea. DD doesn’t really eat that much of anything but does have a very sweet tooth and loves, cake, chocolate and vinegar crisps. I would doubt she could be bothered to be sick or take anything, be sick or buy or use an enema kit. She rarely leaves the house in lock down other than about two local walks on her own with the dog and to meet her friend twice she hasn’t left the house on her own and DH works in the study closest to the front door so he gets the post. I was thinking Porto maybe meant opportunity with it being the day before they met.
Maybe I am being naive or thinking something out of nothing. I really don’t know.

@KingCatMeowInSpace I have absolutely no idea re the email.

Don’t know whether to tackle her or keep an eye on her deleted. Although the crumpled up piece of paper with lines on has since disappeared.

I think she deserves her privacy, but equally, you need to know she is ok. Could you coax her out for a fun afternoon walk, lunch or a picnic, or an afternoon tea, and see if you can find out whats up?

Thanks she is in year 10 so seems to be always busy with homework. I work from hone 3 days a week and the forecast is awful for the next 7-10 days. I have tried to talk to her about friends generally, if she likes anyone at school (before I realised about this) asking how she is doing and feeling about lockdown etc but getting her to talk and open up is like getting blood out of a stone.
So short of saying are you in a relationship
with anyone or are you in a relationship with
X and does she feel the same way about you I don’t how to get anywhere as she sees me as being nosey and is likely to just shut down completely.

My non binary child (16) has similar behaviour if that's any consolation. Keep trying to talking to her. Go for a drive - and talk to her in the car. The sideways talking (rather than eye to eye) often helps (IMO). It might be worth posting on the teenagers talk board as well.You can never have enough opinions / ideas on this type of thing. Good luck.

Thank you. DD hasn’t shown any previous interest in either boys or girls prior to this. How do I get this post moved to the teenage posts if you think it would be helpful?

A couple of years ago she was very scathing about a girl from her primary school who had gone round telling everyone at school that she was gay and it was probably just because she wasn’t one of the popular girls and thought no one would fancy her so she’s just started saying she’s a lesbian. Then this girls other friends from primary wouldn’t speak to her. This girl has since moved to another school.

I just want her to be safe and be able to come to me if she needs or wants to in the future but I am worried she maybe won’t do this due to the way she behaves towards me (disrespectfully, mimicking me, sweary, dismissive etc).