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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Concern for son

41 replies

Nowayhozay · 05/05/2020 13:33

My son has from a very early age had a love for all things girly, it's never ever been a problem for me. He would get himself dressed up in his sisters clothes at any opportunity and often ended up with a few hand me downs that he could call his own.
I couldn't see any harm in it and strongly believed I was being a good parent by allowing him to express himself.
I have never really said no to anything in this regard and as the years went on I even started to buy him the odd thing that he asked for or that I thought he would like.
It pretty much became normal in our family that he would occasionally appear in his girl clothes.
Just after Christmas my daughter had a clear out of her clothes and gave a lot of them to him, so suddenly he has gone from a very limited wardrobe to a pretty well stocked one.
So along comes lock down and of course he is now able to dress 24/7 which is really what I am concerned about.
What will the effect on his mental health be when he has to go back to the way things were. Is this going to have a lasting effect on him? Should I limit his dressing ? I would never try to stop him but I cant help worrying that I am doing the wrong thing.

OP posts:
Mucklowe · 05/05/2020 15:55

Let him wear what he likes. It's only a problem if he starts thinking he is a girl, instead of just liking clothes that are stereotypically "girls' clothes".

Finewine1976 · 05/05/2020 16:28

How old is your son

Nowayhozay · 05/05/2020 22:35

I dont have a problem with him wearing what he wants within reason, its just the way its gone from dressing now and then or mix and matching to pretty much all he wears now. As I said I really just hope he is not going to struggle when things return to normal.
He will be 14 later this month.
I guess I am just over thinking things I do that a lot.

OP posts:
Finewine1976 · 06/05/2020 06:49

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SonEtLumiere · 06/05/2020 06:54

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SonEtLumiere · 06/05/2020 06:57

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TKAAHUARTG · 06/05/2020 07:01

You are not doing the wrong thing by letting him wear what he likes. But for the sake of his mental and physical wellbeing, do NOT get in contact with Mermaids.

MadamBatty · 06/05/2020 07:07

so your son likes pink & sparkles? so what do your daughters wear jeans & hoodies?

Let him express himself whatever way he likes. It’s just clothing

midgebabe · 06/05/2020 07:10

The problem isn't him wearing what he likes at home
The problem is how other people are likely to treat him should he wear what he likes outside of the home
Which is a problem with the other people fundamentally , but not a problem one 14 year old can fix

Have you talked to him about this? Is he planning on wearing his new outfits when live returns to normal and if so, how does he think others might respond? Is he prepared for what could be a lot of abuse? Is it a problem for particular generations ? Are there looks that are perhaps more less gendered that might be more readily accepted in society?

Sexnotgender · 06/05/2020 07:12

For the love of god do not contact mermaids.

He can wear whatever he likes as long as it’s decent. They’re not girls clothes, they’re just clothes.

It doesn’t make him a girl. Just a boy who likes to wear clothes different to the stereotypical norms associated with his sex.

Let him embrace it. We should be more open to breaking stereotypes.

DollyDoDo · 06/05/2020 07:14

I would be honest with him in regards to wearing what he wants but that some people may react badly and he needs to be aware of that.
I say this not as a way to stop him from dressing how he likes but to prepare him for when he is out of this "bubble" of acceptance of home.

I would also stay away from any support group that promotes medicating/surgery for children and any which tell lies such as sex change is possible.
Mermaids do tend to follow this line so do your research.

I would also keep an eye on his internet usage and check who/what groups he is engaging with as sadly there are some who push to isolate children from their parents with promises of glitter, unicorns and a new family.

Mumdiva99 · 06/05/2020 07:19

He sounds like a boy who likes sparkly clothes. So what. Let him be. Build him up. Allow him to be an individual and have his own style.

Spiffingly · 06/05/2020 07:31

DO NOT GO TO MERMAIDS!

He is a boy, with feminine tastes. Mermaids will have him convinced he is a woman, who needs to start 'living as a woman' and ruining his life.
There is no such thing as a 'wrong body', and they will absolutely make him believe this.

0DETTE · 06/05/2020 07:44

Lots of people like to wear different clothes at home than they do outside.

One of my kids wears PJs all the time at home. I don’t care as long as they wear uniform to school ( school rules ) and half decent clothes outside.

At home I wear very scruffy t shirts and joggers, what most people think of as painting / gardening clothes, with my hair tied back. When I go out I’m very smartly dressed, hair done , make up etc.

Your son likes to wear what you call “ girly clothes “ at home ( not sure what they are ) and boy clothes outside / to school.

I’m not sure what you mean by girly because 90% of my DD clothes could be worn by my DS without anyone noticing.

We are all just expressing different sides of ourselves . I don’t see the problem myself .

I’d get very upset if someone suggested that I was weird or needed therapy because of this. I’m perfectly happy and I conform to social norms when I need to .

0DETTE · 06/05/2020 07:45

I’m a bit confused why this post is in this section BTW - is your son bi or gay?

justanotherneighinparadise · 06/05/2020 07:52

Bloody hell I can’t believe someone recommended Mermaids !!!!! OP in your position i would assume I was raising a gay son and leave him be.

DollyDoDo · 06/05/2020 07:54

I’m a bit confused why this post is in this section BTW - is your son bi or gay?

I would think that the LGBT section is more inclusive and is very much an umbrella term so the OP thought there maybe be other parents who have experienced this so could offer advice.
I dont think being gay or bi is a requirement of posting here.

0DETTE · 06/05/2020 09:05

No I didn’t think it was a requirement. More I was wondering if the OP thought her son was gay or bi as well, but had not said.

Obvs some LGB kids are GC and some are not.

Nowayhozay · 06/05/2020 16:22

We have on a couple of occasions had a conversation about whether or not he ever wished that he was a girl and he is adamant that he does not.
He has never been able to explain why he enjoys everything stereo-typically feminine its just the way he is but he is happy and content as far as I know.
I have no reason to think that he is bi or gay in fact I am as sure as anyone ever could be that he isn't. I posted here because I believe he comes somewhere under the Trans umbrella I apologise if I have got that wrong.
When I said "girly" I didn't mean that its all pink and sequins Grin just normal fashionable things.
He understands that people would judge him if they knew and I do know that he is bothered by that.
He is always very careful if he wears anything outside, he asks if he can get away with something or if anything shows so he is very aware.
I just hope that he will still be as happy as he always has been when we all have to go back to normal.

OP posts:
Nowayhozay · 06/05/2020 16:25

I think I just wanted to share this with someone if that makes sense, just sounding off ! I know its impossible to answer my concerns but I really appreciate your opinions and advice, thank you

OP posts:
DollyDoDo · 06/05/2020 16:56

Your update makes me think your son just has style and is comfortable expressing his preferred fashion Grin

I think we always want to put people in neat boxes and we worry when they are not. No matter what that box might be.

Let him be happy and do his thing as you already are ....while also keeping a little eye on who/what groups he is talking to

Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 06/05/2020 17:14

I wouldn't rush to give him a label and please don't go to mermaids, they'll have him mediated and convinced he's a female before you know it. There is nothing wrong with him or his body.
The only thing wrong here is society's insistence that there are 'boy' things and 'girl' things.
It's perfectly ok to reject these stereotypes and wear whatever you like and it's great that your son feels comfortable to do this with his family.

0DETTE · 07/05/2020 08:57

I couldn't agree with @Dazedandconfusedpart2 more.

The OPs son is perfectly happy wearing what he does. He’s not getting bullied at school. He knows that ( sadly ) he needs to conform to other people’s expectations outside of his home and accepts this. His sister is happy because she gives him clothes.

There’s no problem here as far as I can can see, except in your head OP.
I say this Kindly and not accusingly. You have decided that certain clothes (and toys I assume ) are “ girly”. However your issue will go away if you stop labelling the clothes and toys.

So rather than saying

“ My son likes girly toys like prams and toy kitchens and Dressing up as a doctor so there’s something wrong with him” just say

“My son likes playing with children’s toys “.

That normal, that’s what toys are for.

When my children were younger I would pretty much let them wear what they liked. So if Jane came back from nursery in her favourite red t shirt with a tractor picture on it saying “ Emma says this is a boys t shirt” , I’d make a big thing of saying

“ Oh no, let me check, has it got a hole for a penis in it? Is there a label that says ‘ only to be worn by boys”? Oh my, the label says ‘ aged 4-5’ there’s nothing about boys ! Has the queen passed a law that says only boys can wear red ? Are girls allowed to be farmers or mechanical engineers?”

Of course this made them laugh. But it’s the very important point that clothes and toys are for alll children. The same as clothes jobs hobbies and music are for all adults. I hate loathe and detest the new unofficial rule in our culture that eg if you Want to work in IT or fancy girls or don’t want to wear make up and hair extensions you must be a man. Or want to be a nurse and paint your nails then you must be a woman. It’s all bollocks.

When my children were small and we went into shops and the clothes and toys were sections labelled with boys and girls we would laugh at the absurdity of it. I’d say “ ok let’s buy a toy for (newborn baby ) James from the girls section and see if the police arrest us on the way out “.

If the lunchtime helper at school was a man, I’d say in mock concern

“ Oh no, how can he do that! Serving food is too hard for men, how will he learn to do the cooking. “ To make them laugh and say “ don’t be silly, boys can do any job “.

I’d tell them that they were probably damaged for life because I used the same red and blue pram for then all and didn’t get a pale pink one for the girls and pale blue for the boys. They are not stupid - they can see it’s about consumerism and persuading people to buy more.

When they were older I talked to them about all theses restrictive rules and who they benefit and penalise. About the status and financial rewards that come with different jobs and roles in life and who gets these.

I hate this modern gender ideology . Honestly it’s like bloody 1950 again.

It’s all damaging and very wrong and I won’t bring up my children to follow this belief system . I want them to be free to choose any job, hobby or clothes they like and not have half of the choices closed off to them because of other people’s prejudices .

My kids are all teens and 20s now. They are all happy in their own skin and their own sexual orientation ( the ones who have decided so far ! ). Some are GNC and some GC, they are all lovely.

0DETTE · 07/05/2020 09:12

Sorry that was a bit of a rant Blush

Nowayhozay · 07/05/2020 17:18

I didn't think that you were ranting, you are actually pretty much on my wave length as indeed are most of the people who have taken the time to reply .
So I feel a need to protect him but he has to able to be himself, there are lessons we have learnt as a family and I guess there will be more to come as we continue.
I still believe that he is happy being a boy but I may broach the subject one more time.
I need to know his thoughts on moving forward no matter what.
I do feel that society has the problem not him.

I have looked at Mermaids amongst many other sites, I am sure its a great resource for those who really need that support but its not for us.

I have beaten myself up in the past over whether I should have enabled him but I feel he would not have stopped and if he did it would have been painful for him.
Its not the same now as when he was younger though, he puts a lot more thought into what he wears but then so does my daughter !
What can I do but give it time ?

OP posts: