My DD is 20 and recently we had a discussion about her not being attracted to men. I need guidance on how to help her. I know she is not a child, technically, but I feel this is the best place.
Anyway, DD has had three boyfriends since aged sixteen and been sexually active with all three. However, from what she has told me she has never felt sexual attraction. Maybe once or twice briefly when making out with men, but never sexual attraction. She says she has definitely never felt attraction when it moves further on, to the point now where she physically cannot stand any kind of sexual contact. Apparently she can appreciate an attractive man, but no part of her wants to 'be' with them in a sexual sense. She's had crushes before, however, from her own admissions this is more about wanting to be needed or wanting an actual boyfriend in her life- The person doesn't really matter. She also has BPD, so I don't know if this plays sort part in it in terms of the attachment. In her own words, she described it as "wanting the person to date me for the security, but also never wanting to have sex." Sorry if this is a ramble, I'm trying to get the gist of it down.
This led to DD thinking she was asexual and was just the 'broken' one amongst her friends who doesn't like sex, which broke my heart a bit.
Upon further discussion this morning, DD admitted that she IS sexually attracted to women. In films, she notices the women, she appreciates them more. She's had crushes on women, which have been less superficial. She apparently has a crush on a girl from her work, and from describing this girl, it's a lot more in depth. She actually likes things about this girl and can tell me why, whereas every time she has liked a guy it's just "I like him."
I suggested she may be a lesbian, however, DD just got upset again. (Note, none of us are homophobic and her cousin has always been out as bisexual, so she knows we would never judge her.)
The situation is further complicated by one of her ex boyfriends- I don't know exact details but I know sexually he treated DD very bad. I suspect things went down which she didn't actively want to do, or involved a lot of coercion, although I cannot get her to confide in me completely.
Hence, another element here is her questioning whether her bad past experiences make her nervous to the point where she finds sex physically repulsive (Her own words.) She also said before this happened though, that she still didn't find sex good and hated the feeling of it.
Sorry for the long ramble, I am trying to get out all the detail she has provided. For the record, I have asked her permission to post her story online (as obviously there is nothing identifiable) and any advice given will be relayed back to her. I am fully supportive of my DD if she is a lesbian, however, I feel out of my depth advising her on the confusion she is feeling. Furthermore, I don't want to 'ruin' the trust she is in by adding pointless advice which may make her feel worse.
Thank you if you got this far.